Do gay guys get erections because of women?

Yes, very similar to me. I’ve only had a couple of occasions in the ‘real world’ where my brain flipped and allowed me to think in those terms. On those occasions I was in a safe space and another man had showed interest in me and my mind said yes this ok. It’s a strange thing and still working on it.

 

The brain is a powerful organ. Years of hetronormative programming is not easily undone. It's an ongoing battle.

 

Not that I’m an expert but based on the OP, unless it’s a hypothetical, it seems as though this is more representative of bisexuality rather than being exclusively gay. Now with that said, you wouldn’t have to act on this arousal if you don’t feel inclined to do so.

Like others have said, ever since my questioning began I have seemingly lost the ability to be aroused by cisgender women. I make that distinction because I do get aroused by trans women. However, I don’t really experience much natural arousal with men, in terms of erections, in public or private. I usually just feel anxiety. That said, it does seem on a certain level that I’m more attracted to men than I am to cisgender women. I don’t know, I’m still figuring things out.

What I’ve learned from all of this is that sexuality can be confusing. However, you seem to have clear evidence of attraction to both men and women so you can choose to pursue which is more appealing to you or just leave it up to the universe to decide and see where it takes you.

 

I had the same issue, always thought there was something wrong with me. I had buried my same sex attraction so deep however it still lurked close to the surface. Once it surfaced and I was with a man it all made prefect sense. With a man it felt totally right and totally arousing.

 

Exactly the same with me. When I was young, I could get aroused by women but always worried about achieving/maintaining arousal. Once I accepted that I was gay, I completely lost the ability to get aroused by women but found everything with men so natural and amazing.

 

Very few men are 'fully' 100% gay. Many men who were in the closet or repressed were able to have sex with women and get an erection.

Erections can be caused by all sorts of things - sometimes just excitement. I am guessing that what you fantasize about is a more and more intensely likely indicator of sexuality.

 

There is a very well informed poster here - @Chip who says Lisa Diamond's research is flawed. But even assuming it's not, if someone was 99% 'gay' would they still be gay or 'bi'? Or 10% or 20%? Many men who identify as gay say the are able to have sex with women -many before they were out had girlfriends are were even married. But sex with women is not as intense or enjoyable and their romantic and sexual attractions for men are way higher.

Its also something that can shift a little over time, many men rapidly lose attraction and desire to have sex with women when they finally admit to themselves they are gay.

So you have sexual fantasies about women too? What % of the time and how intense are they compared to men?

 

I am sure Lisa Diamond is a creditable researcher and scientist, but according to the poster I mentioned there is no creditable scientific data about romanic /sexual attractions being split, though many people on this forum say the experience that.

I am gay. I can have sex with women, I had girlfriends in the past, and sometimes I enjoyed having sex with a woman. But my fantasies about men are 100x more intense then my attraction towards women, and since I accepted my sexuality I rarely get fantasies about women and the fantasies about women are more curious than arousal.

As soon as I had my first sexual experiences with men I realized how low my attraction was to women. Also with men I didn't feel any revulsion or disgust but I realized when I had sex with women I had to overcome that.

So though it's possible for me to have sex with women, and I love seeing beautiful women and occasionally (now very rarely) have a fantasy about a particular women, I identify as gay.

It sounds like your fantasies about women are more often? How long have you had them?

 

could u be bi?

 

This was my experience as well. Being with a man was so incredibly more pleasurable and felt so natural. I had none of issues of disgust or revulsion I felt almost every time with a woman. I can admire a beautiful woman as I can admire a beautiful piece of art but sexually it’s grosses me out totally.

 

I wonder if this is the same for me. I look at women and appreciate their beauty. Sexual interest is becoming less and less frequent with time. I still have sex with women and sometimes enjoy it. Performing oral grosses me out.

 

The point that makes me think I may be gay is that I found that I had to imagine a man when having sex with women to get/stay aroused.

 

So back to the OP’s original scenario if you get a roused to the point beyond erection and you are stimulated by the presence of a woman or fantasy of a woman it is unlikely that you are gay but may well be bisexual to some degree. I married a woman and produced kids to her while being attracted to men. Often I would have to fantasize of being with a man while having sex with her.

I am not able to become aroused to women. I am extremely attracted and aroused to men. Therefore, I eventually had to accept my homosexuality. If I had even some attraction to woman beyond appreciation of their physical beauty I would have satisfied myself by identifying as bisexual but that is not who I am. I’m not in any way trying to tell you how to identify but you shouldn’t feel forced to feel that you’re gay any more than you should feel forced to feel that you are bi or straight.

You may in time find that you are more fluid than you think and find women more appealing. That’s ok too. Take this advice from someone who tried so hard to force myself straight when I wasn’t. Allow yourself time and space to find out if it’s one gender or the other or both without being pressured to define yourself because you think that you have to fit into a category.

 

I agree. An erection can come from excitement or just body cycles, but if fantasizing about women occurs to any degree beyond curiosity then bi is more likley.

When I first had sex with women at a very young age I was able to just 'do it' I think purely on physical stimulation and excitement of someone 'wanting' me. Though I denied it for years I now realize that most of the time I had think about a man in some way.

 

@Beezy and @Searching2022 I don’t mean to hijack the thread with my own situation. Perhaps it might shed some light for the OP as well but both your previous posts stuck out for me. In particular @Beezy you said something about being “aroused beyond an erection.”

I understand that many of us slept with women because we thought ourselves heterosexual or denied ourselves other attractions. For many, myself included, we lost our ability to get aroused by women once we accepted our other desires/ attractions.

I’ve been confused as to what I am and who I’m attracted to but I have this overarching feeling that I’m gay. Porn, regardless of genre, doesn’t arouse me anymore. My mind can hardly stay focused on a single thing for me to evaluate my fantasies and what arouses me, usually not much. In the beginning of my questioning I began seeing a trans woman and she is very arousing to me. Obviously certain things like kissing can be written off as physical stimulation but sometimes just looking at her is enough to get me aroused. I’ve never been intimate or physical with a man and have yet to achieve the same level of arousal by one in public or private as I have with women the past or the trans woman I’m seeing now.

I’m not asking you to tell me my orientation or why I don’t get aroused by men although I feel that I might be gay, which has nothing to do with being with a trans woman. But based on both of your posts, it seems as though you’re saying that even though I’m aroused by someone, in this case the trans woman I’ve been seeing, it’s possible that the arousal I’m experiencing is not a reliable indicator of attraction?

Sorry, I hope that makes sense.

In terms of the OP, it sounds like your saying that in addition to be aroused by touch, which I know can be more stimulation than attraction, being aroused by someone visually might not be a reliable indicator of attraction?

 

Detroit, there’s a lot to unpack there. If we take “aroused by touch” I would have to assume that a man beyond early adulthood would have to be attracted in a more meaningful way than just proximity or touch to be aroused. When I was a young dude a strong wind could give me a hard on but if you’re old enough to pay income tax erections follow attractions more deeply.

In regard to relationships with trans-women it is difficult to say from afar precisely what it is that attracts you. To some it’s the excitement to something different or exotic to others it may be cloaking a same sex attraction (assuming that you are talking about someone who has not gone through bottom surgery).

I’ve heard some gay men say that you’re not gay if you are attracted to trans-women. That may be true in general but not always. I think that some men could wrap male attraction into a package that they consider as passable female and therefore socially acceptable if a man is deeply suppressing male attraction. However, you said that that you’ve never been aroused by a man as you have by a woman in your past or even the trans-woman that you are now seeing. The trans-woman that you are seeing is still a woman in your mind though perhaps with conflicting genitalia. That makes me wonder why you think that you’re gay. The very definition of homosexuality revolves around sexual and romantic attraction to one’s own gender. Perhaps you can explain your sense that you could be gay a little more fully.

 

Essentially your last paragraph is perhaps what is going on or at the very least what I am fearful is going on.

It’s true that I have never gotten aroused by men, in public or private, but there’s just something within me that’s telling me I’m gay and I’m lying to myself by being with the trans woman I’m with. Again, it isn’t because I’m with her, as she is non-op and admittedly that’s something I enjoy. Like I said before, there is arousal with her when we kiss or are close but also at times just being in her presence.

I don’t know how to describe it but there is this identification of something I feel when I encounter “generically attractive” men out in public, on social media, etc. It doesn’t feel like attraction to me, at least how I’ve experienced it, rather anxiety and never arousal. So I don’t know if I’m just so repressed and fighting the “attraction” in a way or what but whenever I try to engage in homosexuality, which for me means porn or fantasies, I don’t get aroused. However, as stated above, porn regardless of genre doesn’t really arouse me anymore so that’s not really much to go on.

But again, something within me (my mind?) keeps telling me I’m gay. It makes me doubt if my being with her is genuine.

 

Only you can determine if being with her is genuine. I wouldn’t overthink things if you are truly happy in your situation or make other assumptions. Perhaps a therapist is a good idea if you still are concerned.