Hello everyone, It’s been a while since I last posted. I’d like to share some things hoping people can relate to it. I lived a double life for about 20 years, living life as a heterosexual (including a couple of long term relationships with women) while secretly dating men. I never came out because I was incredibly scared of how my family, friends and others around me would react. I rejected myself for a very long time. My last relationship ended September ’22, after my ex wife found out I cheated on her. We divorced December ’22. Currently I’m doing a 12-steps program because I struggled with a sex- and love addiction; I tended to sexualize feelings of stress, guilt, loneliness and anger and so forth and used it as a way to escape from my feelings and true self. While I hesitantly identify myself as gay (I came out to friends and family in December ’22), I still have sexual/romantic obsessions for pretty women. As no relationship with a woman has ever brought me complete happiness and satisfaction, I cannot imagine that my obsession with women is genuine and is a genuine desire of being with them. My wife ticked all the boxes, and I considered her to be perfect for me. I’ve been thinking about this a lot, and came to the following conclusion: as I haven’t acted on my desires and wants (having sex or being with men) since I’m in the 12-step program (6 months abstinent from any form of love, sex or romanticism), and even more importantly, as I still suppress my feminine side (which I have – although I look quite masculine), I project these desires and wants onto women that I see. Which means that I don’t want to actually pursue them, but I look at them in a way with envy rather than wanting them, or in a way that satisfies my feminine desires or needs. I cannot think of any other conclusion. I do have feminine desires: e.g. I'm quite submissive sexually and have fantasies about wearing women's clothes. But would like to know what you think and if there are other gay men who are / have been obsessed with women? It can be part of my addiction as well, having lived in the closet for so long and having created a really distorted and false image on love and sex. Any feedback it welcome and appreciated!
seems to me, like you have a problem in the way you see and interact with women perhaps. at least from what I've just read. do you have any female friends ?
Thanks for your response. No I don't have any female friends, although I occasionally meet with my ex-wife. But I wouldn't call that a friendship. I often feel pretty intimidated by pretty women, and put them on a pedastal at times as well. Their beauty seem to amaze me somehow.
I'm no doctor so please take it with a grain of salt, but it might be some "internalised misogyny" blurring it all and preventing you to have a healthy relationship with women. If you see a therapist with your 12 steps it might be something to explore.
Thanks Aeola, interesting point. Although I can’t really see the correlation. What do you mean? That I envy a women’s body? And resent her for having what I don’t have?
I mean more like, going just from what you've written (I don't know the full story, so please a huge grain of salt) that women are "achievements" or "objects of lust". Meaning that even though you aren't really "into" women, you may still pursue relationships with women because they're exciting in that way, like a jewel. the fact you call it an "obsession" and not an "attraction" makes me think it might be the case. that's why I asked if you had any female friends, because it sounds to me like you may have an unhealthy relationship with women as a whole. or it may just be, as you said, that you're living own femininity by procuration. I just thought it was an option worth exploring, perhaps in a more general way. as for myself, rereading your original post I noticed you asked something more specific at the end, I wouldn't call it an obsession at all but I have found some women to be "attractive" and "exciting" though not in a way that made me want to be in a relationship with them. also, have you given some thoughts to the option that... you might be bi ?
Desire and being obsessed about someone's beauty are two different thing. Maybe you want to be with woman but you are simply attracted to men.
if you have sex with men —it's called having sex with men. It could be called gay activity. If you identify with being gay, then be gay. If you are gay friendly, be gay friendly. If you are fluid be or identify with fluid sexuality. But, if you are only !!aroused!! by men and their parts…dude…lol — You are GAY. So be gay. Just be proud of who you are.
" Gay but obsessed about female beauty? - think of all the gay men who work in the women's' fashion industry. This is pretty common.. I had/have the same 'obsession' but minus the sexual arousal, though for years I told myself otherwise. It kept me rationalizing that I wasn't gay for a long time. Well I look at women and even their butts sometimes, I must not be gay! I still think women are beautiful, I still sometimes say 'wow, she's hot' . I am not and few people are 100% kinsey scale gay. Maybe I am 80% but I realized that any sexual arousal or attraction to men was 100x more intense than any sexual desire for women. You list your orientation as 'questioning' but ask what other gay men think - so maybe not so hesitant When I was in denial, a girlfriend was giving me oral sex - and I realized I was jealous of what she was doing and that she could be so intimate and feminine with that body part. I don't have desires to wear women's clothes but I am jealous sometimes of femininity. So there is a lot of repression and denial and shame which is very common.
I relate to this but in the reverse. I am attracted to men aesthetically a lot. I think plenty of men are gorgeous in terms of physical appearance. However, despite thinking this was an indication I was straight for the majority of my life, I’ve come to the realization in the last five years or so that I’m actually gay and I’m attracted to women in a way I’m not to men. Emotionally I don’t feel attracted to men the way I do with women. If I were to date a man I would not feel attachment to him or miss him if we broke up whereas with women I have loved I have been emotionally devastated. Sure I think men are hot and the idea of making out with one sounds fun and sexy but I don’t want to be with one.
It has the name: internalized homophobia. When I read the comments I can clearly see how big is this problem. Homophobia makes gays often want to form relationships with women even though they are not sexually interesting. They are willing to choose unrealistic expectations and visions rather than live their lives. It's very sad.
Empty closets Thank you very much everyone for your answers and views. @Searching2022 I relate to your post so much. I told myself so often and so long that I am straight and then bisexual, because I was able to have sex with women, had a relationship with one or could get an erection when lying next to one when touching. While my strongest and more intense fantasies were fantasies having sex with men, which I just played in my head or when I was alone in the shower e.g. This genuine desire never had any place in the light, only in the shadows. I had this weird view that women are a lot cleaner and purer than men, and almost idealize women and assign magical qualities to them. Which of course is complete nonsense. I relate to the part you write wishing you were your girlfriend too. I often wished I was being the woman when having sex too and always identified with the woman while watching straight porn. I’m in the process of accepting myself and indeed trying to accept that I am gay, and that my 20 years of dating and being with women was just a lie - something I at times find hard to accept still. But it does give me the opportunity to finally express myself and explore this part of myself - without shame, guilt (for cheating), disgust and to finally accept and love myself.
I think this is part of the madonna-whore complex. Its very common. Same here. i think the difference is that gay men found women beautiful, especially clothed, but the idea of sex with a naked woman was a turn off.
“I had this weird view that women are a lot cleaner and purer than men, and almost idealize women and assign magical qualities to them. Which of course is complete nonsense.” This is really interesting to me because I’ve done this my whole life only to men. I think I conceived of men as these idealized romantic figures or saviors somehow that would rescue me and sweep me off my feet. I think it’s prob part of how women are socialized and as a woman I was surrounded by this idea. Never would have realized I was gay prob if I never considered the idea that just admiring men in theory wasn’t enough.
I think this experience is very common for those of us who didn't fully realize our sexual orientation until later in life. We think that if we find women attractive and even enjoy sex with a woman then we must not be gay right? We ignore what our fantasies are telling us and we rely on the power of denial. It works for a while but eventually we just get really depressed from all the guilt and shame. When I finally came to terms with my true sexuality, I was able to admit that I was gay and not bi because even though I find women attractive, I no longer have any desire to have sex with a woman. The thought of kissing a woman and taking our clothes off makes me uncomfortable. I identify with straight women in some ways because we both are attracted to men. I can enjoy friendship and companionship with women and there is no concern about wanting sex. This is why a lot of women enjoy having gay men as friends. I don't think that there is anything wrong with you. It's just that discovering your sexuality can be a process. Be kind to yourself.
Great way to put it! For years I rationalized that since I wanted to like having sex with women, I must not be gay. As soon as I admitted to myself I was gay interest in women rapidly faded to nothing, not even the 'theory' of liking them was there anymore. I rationalized that discomfort for years "well everyone must feel this way about sex". Especially with oral sex on women, I really had to 'work' to do it.. but when I finally accept myself and started performing oral sex on a man for the first time I didn't feel that it felt so natural I didn't want to stop! Before I came out, I felt 'unmanly' because I had so many women friends and it seemed to natural, but I also felt awkward because they might think I was sexually interested.. now I really enjoy my relationships with women who know I am gay.
