Friend said she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me. Really hurt and confused

So the last 48 hrs or so have been very rough for me emotionally. About two weeks ago I posted on here about how I finally told my friend that I had romantic feelings for her. We hugged, and it felt like a really intimate hug, (it was so amazing I almost felt like I was in a daze), and I also held her hand. I was on cloud nine and felt incredible. Nothing in my life has felt more right than that moment. Next day we met up again and held hands in her car. She told me she was confused about her feelings though and didn’t know what she was feeling. She did say though she wanted to take things slow and see how things went, go on a few dates etc. Life got a bit busy so we weren’t able to meet up but two days ago I asked if we could go on our first real date next weekend. I was going to take her out to dinner. She ends up texting me back and saying she feels like she confused platonic feelings for romantic ones and that she doesn’t think she likes me romantically despite all the things that happened. Needless to say I was shocked because things seemed to be going so well and I was devastated because I have loved this girl from afar for a while and frankly I feel a bit used. She has apologized profusely but I can’t seem to understand what happened. After it happened I spent the entire day off and on crying. I feel really confused and I don’t even know what to say to her. She’s not straight so I know this isn’t about her sexuality because she’s been with a girl before but I just don’t know why she would let me think I had a chance only to completely change her mind. I also will add I did not initiate any of the things we did. I told her my feelings but both times we held hands and the intimate hug were things she did and I followed her lead. I definitely wouldn’t have presumed to hold her hand if I thought she only thought of me as a friend. I know some people do this as a friendly gesture but for me that’s something I only reserve for romantic relationships. I just am feeling really lost and heartbroken right now and I don’t know what to do. Despite feeling hurt I still love her and a part of me hopes maybe she just was scared and pulled away out of fear? She did say that she tends to have attachment issues and she has limited experience with love.

 

I did ask her the next day via text to help me better understand her thinking but honestly I’m still really confused. She basically said that she knew she felt positive feelings toward me and cared about me a lot and that she thought these feelings might be romantic, and since she knew I enjoy romantic gestures she wanted to do these things because she thought if she liked me romantically these were things she should do. But apparently when I asked for the date she said she realized she didn’t actually like me as someone to date.

 

I guess in all this what hurts me the most is that if she had doubts about liking me, I wish on some level she hadn’t done the things she did. I wish instead of giving me a hug me that basically felt like cuddling it was so long and letting me stroke her back with my fingers and then holding my hand for extended periods twice on two different occasions, she had just kept more distance. Because for her those things maybe didn’t mean much but I assumed they did because they meant more to ME than anything in my life. I had an ex before several years ago but we never met in real life so we only had an online relationship. This then was my FIRST TIME ever holding anyone’s hand, being that close to a girl in that context etc. And honestly it felt like a movie it was so right. I have never felt that way before and it felt like a light bulb went off. I still think men are attractive but damn I’m pretty certain I’m gay and the way I felt sitting there with her confirmed it. So this hurts on multiple levels for me because this was kinda a huge moment and now I feel like it’s all just disappeared.

 

Yeah. it just sucks because this happens to me every time with women and I finally thought someone actually liked me. I’m always just a friend to everyone I’ve ever liked almost so it feels like I’m friendzoned constantly. I also really felt bothered by her being touchy with me after learning she didn’t like me. I’m not someone who goes around touching my friends so it only confused me more. I am rarely comfortable enough with someone as it is who isn’t a family member to touch me so the fact that she did and I really liked it made her special in my eyes.

 

I appreciate all the supportive comments so much. Thank you all.

 

Thank you. That’s extremely kind. I really appreciate it. It’s def still a struggle. It’s been about three weeks and unfortunately for me my feelings haven’t changed and I still care about her and love her as much as ever. :/ I don’t really know how to go from here.

 

We haven’t seen each other in person. We also have barely texted because last week she was dealing with a ton of anxiety she said so she kinda didn’t respond for a while.

 

I’m just really sad because I miss her. I just feel like I love her more than she cares about me or thinks about me. I feel constantly shut out a lot by people and I always question why I’m not worth thinking about to people.

 

She does deal with anxiety a lot yeah. I do also but we cope in very different ways. She tends to shut everything out when she’s upset. At first I didn’t want to see her initially because I was upset enough I was worried it would be too hard. Now though I just miss her to the point where I’d be happy to be with her regardless of the circumstances.