Can anxiety prevent arousal?

The short answer is yes.

The long answer is that it's all very complex and is all connected. OCD, anxiety and so on.

Anxiety can be described as feelings of worry, nervousness or unease about something with an uncertain outcome. Stress and anxiety may cause your sex drive to spike, or it may cause your sex drive to go down, because you are feeling upset and you are consumed with worry. It is completely understandable that you may not want to get physical or you are experiencing a busy brain or brain fog. It may surprise you to hear that your genitals are not your main sex organ, your brain is! Your brain plays a huge role in your ability to feel aroused. If you are finding it difficult to relax, it will be difficult to get aroused.

Try to speak with your partner about how you are feeling. A problem shared is a problem halved. Encouraging understanding between you and your partner will be helpful for working through the sexual issues you are having.

It is completely normal to feel stressed or anxious during this time. It is normal to not feel like having sex all of the time.

Beside therapy, if your sex drive remains low and you are having issues with erectile function for a couple of weeks, you should visit your doctor. Your doctor can carry out a physical examination to help understands the causes of your erectile dysfunction and set up a treatment plan for the next steps.

 

One thing with OCD is that it makes you be anxious and question and test. And even, when people say to you that you have OCD or that you don't have it and are gay, then you won't believe what anyone says and frankly speaking you have many of the same traits with others who have OCD on here. I've read through all of these posts, which is why I'm saying that.

Again HOCD is not a scientific term, it's all just OCD.

The main thing is to communicate with your partner and maybe pursue an open relationship, if it would be more beneficial for you both.

Edit: you can also be gay while having OCD, but this is what you must work through.

Maybe @quebec or @Chip can give way better opinions on it, than I can, since they have dealt with it all longer from me and are more experienced and know more of what you're going through.

 

detroitlouisred.....Hello! You asked for some input so I'll do my best. First some background. I suffer with diagnosed OCD. I am under the care of both a physician and a therapist to help me deal with the OCD. My particular "flavor" of OCD results in forcing me to count things. That doesn't sound too serious, but I promise you it has in the past caused terrible depression when it was uncontrolled. OCD "hijacks" your brain forcing you to do things that you would not normally do and then quite often makes you do them over and over. It can interrupt your life to the point where you can't accomplish any thing but what the OCD is making you do. An example: many business, schools, etc. have those white ceiling tiles with lots of small holes in them. Can you imagine what it would be like to be compelled to count the holes...in every tile...over and over? And if you feel like you might have missed just one...then you have to start all over again. Things like that and many others just as frustrating and useless things as well. There are medications that help control OCD...I take them! I have also worked with my therapist to find ways to stop the OCD from taking control of my brain...to be "present" enough so that it doesn't "sneak up" on me and start the counting. That is kind of how it starts with me...I'm doing ok and then before I realize it, the OCD has started. So enough about my OCD. Something about OCD in general...OCD lies to you! It makes you think things that are not true! You have been thinking that you may have a type of OCD that is related to sexuality. First of all it's important to understand that there really is only one kind of OCD...just plain old OCD! However, OCD can and does manifest or let's say affect people in different ways and it's possible that one of those ways could be in a unusual attention to sexuality. Then thing to remember that is critically important is that OCD can not change anyones' sexuality. OCD can not make someone who is straight turn gay or the other way around...it just can not do that. It can lie to your and make you think all kinds of things that are not true...but actually change your sexuality...NOPE! Can it affect your arousal? I don't know that for sure, especially as there are many things that can affect arousal. Just worrying about whether you can or can't be aroused can actually affect your arousal! I've always thought that it's sad that men don't have a little more control over what happens down there! Anyway...Iv'e said enough for the moment. If you have any other questions, please don't hesitate to ask and I'll do my best to share what I've been through and how I've dealt with OCD.
.....David :gay _pride_flag:

 

detroitlouisred.....The human mind/body can be pretty confusing! My best advice is some serious time with a therapist. I would suggest finding a therapist that lists working with the LGBTQ Community as part of their practice. I know that finding a good therapist was one of the best decisions that I've ever made! A good therapist can help you find the answers to a lot of questions - sometimes to questions that you didn't even know that you had at first. I find it odd that if we are seriously injured, we don't hesitate to go see a doctor, but when we are having emotional problems we hesitate to see a therapist!
.....David

 

detroitlouisred.....I'm glad that you are seeing a therapist and also that you are taking some meds. However, I have some questions. Taking into account that I'm not a doctor or a therapist... First, have you actually been diagnosed with OCD? If not, that would be a very good step to take. If it turns out that after being evaluated by a licensed professional who is qualified to diagnose OCD, you find out that you do not have OCD, then the path you would take to work through the problems you are having would be different. If you do get a diagnosis of OCD, then there are specific medications that have been proven to be helpful with OCD. Not just anxiety meds, which can help, but meds that are generally prescribed for OCD. I currently take two medications for my OCD and they have been a tremendous help. I don't think I should share what they are here as the job of suggesting and prescribing medications should be up to a medical professional. Second, If you are diagnosed with OCD, then your therapist should be working with you to develop ways to handle the OCD. For instance, in the case of my OCD the counting would most often start without me being aware of it. Then when I realized it was happening I would usually become very angry. I would be driving down the road and suddenly realize that I was counting 245, 246, 247, etc. I was actually counting the stripes between the lanes in the highway. I would then become furious at myself, at the OCD...just generally very angry. Of course my anger just made everything worse. My therapist worked with me to help control that anger, to find ways to let that anger "wash" through me and on out so that I didn't feel like the OCD was controlling me. It seems simple, but boy, was it hard at first. I was a very angry person when it came to the OCD as I felt it was controlling me and I really hated that feeling. There were other things that he had me do...things that he taught me to do to help work through not only the anger, but also to help avoid having the OCD even start in the first place. Those are the kind of things that a therapist who is helping someone with OCD would often be doing. Third, If it should turn out, after evaluation, that you do not have OCD, then your therapist would most likely take a different path to helping you with the problems that you have shared with us here. As much as we want to help you... and we will do everything that we can...the only serious way that you will be able to work out all of the confusion that you are facing is by working with a good therapist who understands LGBTQ situations and is also qualified to diagnose OCD. Detroit.....we are glad that you found us here on Empty Closets and please keep us updated on how this continues to work out. Remember that we do care!
.....David

 

Detroitlouisred.....It seems to me that being evaluated for OCD would be a good step. It would either eliminate or affirm the presence of OCD and that would help you know what steps to take from there.
.....David

 

I fully agree with David. I was thinking about it and thought it would be good if you'd try to get OCD evaluation, because then you can tell us about the diagnosis and you would know what kind of help you need and as well us would know how to advise you further. Right now we only know you have anxiety, but that can come from many things and other things are only speculations. We aren't doctors or OCD specialists, so we can't give you a diagnosis or further advise to help you.

 

Like everyone are telling you seek out the OCD specialist and be fully honest with them and let them help you, otherwise it can only get worse, if it's left undiagnosed. You're in therapy, but the person isn't specialized in OCD field.

There are ways to deal with anxiety. I have high functioning anxiety myself and my intrusive thoughts are not related to OCD, but trauma. I've found therapy tremendously helpful.

You are taking medication for anxiety, but there is also other ways to help you with it, like meditation and constantly working on yourself. My therapist said I've for example learned to live with my adhd. You can learn to live with OCD and anxiety as well. Two different things, but you get what I mean.

Ask your therapist how to deal with your anxiety beside medication, as well, so you can manage it better.

Deal with figuring out the OCD first, then you can move forward. Go and see your GP, maybe they can direct you to a specialist who would take your insurance.

You control yourself. Don't let anxiety and OCD be something that keep you from being happy. Get proper help.

 

Detriotlouisred.....You said: " it seems that I am very much at the tail end of the bargaining stage of the grief process of accepting my sexuality." Dealing with grief is very difficult. Accepting that you are gay also means that you are "giving up" being straight. For many people that results in a feeling of loss...a feeling of being "cast adrift" and not knowing where you are at or where you are going. That feeling of loss easily turns into grief. Before I came out I was fighting depression, self-hate and grief constantly. I was so glad that I had the folks here on EC to help me through those first months and then later on a great therapist. It sounds like you have heard of the "Stages of Grief". My therapist shared them with me and they really did help. Just in case, here they are:

The Stages of Grief:

Stage One: Denial
This first stage happens immediately. People can express themselves as "shocked." "I had no idea..." "This can't be."
Yourself: "I'm not really gay." "I don't dislike girls." "I've never been with a guy." "I don't think I'm gay." "I will feel straight if I have sex with a girl." "I've never had sex with a guy, therefore, I'm not technically gay."
Parent: "No you're not." "No one in the family is gay, and you're not either." "You don't act gay." "You don't know what you're feeling." "Have sex with a girl and you won't feel that way anymore." "You're confused." "You need therapy."
Wife: "You're not the man I married." "You're stressed/tired/angry." "You're in mid-life crisis." "You're too manly to be gay." "Let's get therapy; I know you're not gay." "You have sex with me, thus, you're not really gay."

Stage Two: Anger
The second stage is a downer for those coming out. Once the trauma of coming out is over, and you think the coast is clear, the parent/wife enters the anger stage. How much anger, when they enter, and when they get over this stage is dependent of many factors.
Yourself: "I hate myself." "I hate being gay." "I hate gays." "Why the fuck me?" "What did I do to deserve these feelings?" "Jesus! Why can't I love her?" "I want to be like X!!!" "I'm such a loser."
Parents: "You're not sleeping with X are you?" "Don't you know there are dangerous diseases out there?" "Can't you just be normal?" "For God's sake, don't tell anyone else!" "Why did you tell me that?" "Don't come crying to me when you're life gets screwed up!" "Why didn't you tell me this before?" "Didn't you trust me until now?" "Would you have EVER told me this? (if outed)"
Wife: "Why did you marry me?" "You lied to me!" "Why did you fool me?" "What did I do to deserve this!?" "You'll pay for this, mister!" "So, are you sleeping with X,Y, and Z?" "Who else knows?! Am I the laughing stock of town?" "You asshole." "Fuck you - oh no, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" "Couldn't you have figured this out before NOW?"

Stage Three: Bargaining
Bargaining is usually a welcomed respite from the Anger Stage. But, it can be equally annoying.
Self: "I bet if I have sex with a girl, I'll find out I'm hetero." "Maybe I can get married, and have a fuck-buddy on the side that no one knows about but me. What would be the harm in that?" "If I don't tell anyone, then it's not really real." "God, if I promise to be good, will you make me straight?" "God, please make me straight. I'll do anything." "I bet if I lose weight and tone up, I'll be more attractive to girls and then I won't like guys." "I bet this will pass when I'm 20, no 30, maybe when I'm 40?"
Parents: "Let me set you up with X. If you only had a girlfriend, you'd forget about guys." "God, I'll do anything if you make him straight." "I"ll buy you a car if you don't date boys." "Maybe we were too strict. If we relax our rules, will it make you feel more comfortable and feel like dating girls?" "I bet if you had more confidence in yourself, you'd feel more comfortable with girls. I'll set you up with a counselor/prostitute/assertiveness training class."
Wife: "I"ll forgive you if you don't divorce me." "You can have your discrete fun on the side as long as it's safe and you don't leave me." "Look, honey, I bought this new lingerie. Isn't it sexy?" "If I lost weight/had a face lift/tummy tuck would you find me sexy again?" "Dear God, get him through this midlife crisis. I'll do anything." "We can have separate bedrooms and separate lives, just don't leave me alone."

Stage Four: Depression
This stage occurs when the preceding stages did not alleviate the grief, and the loss is not yet accepted. it is the brain's last-ditch attempt at not accepting the truth.
Self: "I'm screwed." "I hate myself." "I'm not good at anything. I can't even make a baby." "Why am I here? What's the purpose of my life?" "My future is empty and hopeless." "I can't compete in the cut-throat gay world, I'm just not up for it." "I've ruined everyone's life around me, including my own." "I know I am going to burn in hell." "I want to die."
Parents: "He's hell-bent on being gay. I'm helpless." "I guess if he wants to ruin his life and make me miserable, he's going to." "I give up." "I am so sad that I can not make him straight or be interested in girls." "I don't know what else I can say or do." "Why did I have children? Such heartache." "I can't imagine a future without grandchildren. What's the point of living?" "I thought I did better than that. Where did I go wrong?"
Wife: "My life is over." "I will never love again." "I will never trust again." "How on earth will I cope?" "My future is empty." "I now feel nothing - for anyone." "I want to die."

Stage Five: Acceptance
At long last, we reach the final stage of acceptance. If achieved, depression lifts and anger subsides. This doesn't mean that we forget the sadness and anger, it means we don't feel it anymore.
Self: "I'm gay." "I'm gay, and that's fine. Now what?" "I'm proud of who I am and the person I've become." "It's alright not to marry and have kids. I can contribute to society anyway - in other ways." "I am more than gay. My sexuality does not define me. I am 3-dimensional and have interests." "It's time to find a boyfriend." "It's time to get on with life."
Parent: "OK, he's gay. I hope he finds someone who makes him happy,." "Have you found a boyfriend yet?" "How are you doing - really?" "I love you." "Be sure to tell X [boyfriend] hi for me." "I want you and X to come for dinner." "Tell me all about him." "I'm so proud of you." "I'm so happy for you." "You know what? His being gay isn't that bad. It's not like he's a murderer or dying or anything. Now, THAT would be tragic."
Wife: "He's gay, but he's still a good person/father." "I need to let go." "I need to have a life." "Life goes on." "It's OK, we'll get through this together." "This is not a reflection on me - this is his issue." "That's the way he is; he needs to be happy." "I wish he'd figured this out before we got married, but sometimes it doesn't happen that way." "OK, my husband is gay. That's a reality. Now, what do I do?"

Finally...
One thing to remember - or recognize - is that frequently we come out to others when we have gotten to Stage 5: Acceptance. And, sometimes this has taken us years to do. Thus, we can't be impatient with those closest to us who just found out. It would be great if we could rush them through to the Acceptance stage, but we can't. The best we can do is anticipate these phases and help them adjust to this information, just like we adjusted.

Lastly, this isn't advocating coming out. Many men get to the Acceptance stage, and do not share this information with anyone or perhaps just a few people who are very close. And, there can be compelling reasons for doing so. Thus, this piece is not meant to get everyone to Stage 5 and then bring as many of your closest people around you through it too. Rather, it's offered as one view point on how people deal with what they perceive as a "loss" and if it's helpful in your situation, then it was worth writing down.

I know that this was long and perhaps a little confusing...but I do hope it helps as you consider whether or not you actually are gay. We are here for you so don't hesitate to ask questions or just plain ol' vent if you need to!
.....David