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Struggling to see way ahead after coming out to wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Highlander2, Oct 19, 2013.

  1. Maldoone

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    Hi Rejected. I've thought about your post over the past two days because I'm trying to frame an answer that doesn't just refer to me all the time. All of our stories are so much part of us that it's hard to forget sometimes that there is a big world out there and for the most part, they're all so busy getting on with their own lives tha they don't have time to think of others...

    Suffice to say, my journey so far has been very much like yours, only 10 years longer. It's been more than 40 years since I slept with a guy and why these feelings are growing so strong in me I don't know. It could be to do with the free availbility of porn, but I think it's more than that. The films I see and the books I read stay with me when the relationships go beyond sex. Anyway.

    I have come out to my wife and as that crisis passed I decided I needed to come out to some close friends at a party over New Year five years ago. Only one of them partly believed me - in these days of "some of my friends are gay, so I'm OK with that" people, I feel, they think they now know what Gay looks like. So my friends judged me delusional I suppose because I'm straight acting. That's changed since then btw. I don't know why no one's noticed me looking! So, like you, I stifle a groan when a beautiful guy wa;ls onto the screen - and Timothe is way out of my league anyway! Gay rights though: I'm making more of a stand about that, even sending off a donation to the cause to find safe houses for Ugandans in fear of their lives just last week. I'm terrible at donating to good causes normally.

    One of those friends confronted my wife on the New Year's day. Later, in a very terrible car journey home, my wife quoted what our friends had said. "Oh my God, I'm so sorry to hear that your husband is gay. I will support you in any way I can". Great. I lost count of the number of times I was told to pack my bags and go during that trip home.

    I didn't want to become a troll living under a bridge, so I fought to stay. My gay brother (yes, I'm sure LGBT is genetic) told me to say anything to smooth over the cracks. I put on my best act and I 'won' my staying on. All the while, I knew that it's not what I really wanted. And I still want out. So I'm at the point you were just before you had you liason. I've contacted someone and we'll see where it goes. I have been very careful with my identity.

    I'm way too chicken to make the jump. Financially it's a total no-go. Conversations on gay issues are a nighmare best avoided. I'm planning to get to Pride this year but I know the questions she might ask about that would lead to the inevitable casting out. So I don't go there. I'm just too scared. But if not now, then when?

    You've had that choice taken away from you. I understand so much more about what it is to be gay in 2023 than I ever did before and I know that your right to come out at your time should be inviolate. I have often thought about what to do if it happened to me. The crazy thing is, as time goes on, I think I'm getting prepared. Back in 2017 when I fanally stopped putting the lid back on my sexuality, I made contact with LGBT help. They'd all made the leap and they all said, just as 74andhome as well as others say here - it will get better. A great woman and new mother in Edinburgh told me she'd left her husband and got a new place with her new partner. She told me about the in between time. She and now many others have told me about that time. To me it's a black whirlpool I daren't get near.

    Sorry, it's a ramble through my mind, as I promised I woudn't do, but just saying "it'll be fine" doesn't cut it. I have read so many stories where families now reengage after this because their is a lot of learning and acceptance that happens there. For me, I know the vehemence with which the word Gay is uttered by my wife in spite of how accepting she purports to be. I am sure she is worried about her social circle's reaction more than anything. I hope (and pray) that isn't the same for you and that you can, just can get there.

    I'm thinking of you. Will you come back and let us know how things go?

    M
     
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  2. RejectedAt8

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    Thank you so much for the earnest reply, Maldoone!

    I also get strongly impacted by gay characters that involve a love story instead of simply physical sex. Yes, sex is good! But for me sex is better when it is the result of a relationship, not just the result of lust.

    You said you were straight acting back when you came out to some friends at New Year’s. But that has changed. Tell me how if you don’t mind. I’m already feeling freer to look, speak, and react more truly since coming out to my family on Friday. But, I am wondering if that is only because I am separated from all of them (haven’t seen them and have only texted overly simplistic messages since then). Am I feeling freer because nobody is nearby to judge? Or because my heart has been unlocked by my revelation?

    Also, I am so sad that your friends didn’t take you seriously. I hope that has changed and that you have some close friends that know the realm you. So far, I have only told 3 friends. One is a fairly devout evangelical Christian. His response makes me think he is going to try to ‘fix’ me. I am also a believer, but not as devout and definitely more open minded - especially over the past week! I hope our friendship survives his sure to come counseling. My other 2 friends are work friends. Known them a long time, but mostly good acquaintances rather than a close buddy. They both are extremely open minded and very liberal with people’s differences. So, they are supportive and excited for me.

    How long ago did you come out to your wife? The gay sex you had; was it before you married her? So you haven’t physically/in-person cheated?

    I’m glad to know you have shelter, but I wish you were able to have more of a living home environment. Yes, my choice in the matter was stolen. Pretty sure I never would have come out otherwise. It’s an odd feeling to be somewhat thankful for my extortionist. Very strange.

    I believe my wife and family will come to accept me. Question is how long will it take, right? I’m definitely trying to prepare for a long period of time before I can ever see my soulmate look at me with her sweet blue eyes in any way near how she did a week ago.

    Maybe eventually I will have enough posts to be able to PM you. But meanwhile, I hope we can continue talking via this thread.

    I pray for bravery and an opportunity for you to get free of your chains!
     
  3. Maldoone

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    Thank you R8. It's late here so I'll take stock in what you've said and get back to you tomorrow. You've hit a few soft spots in me with your comments and I'm quite touched. Sometimes it hurts to hear what is elusivly hiding from me. Anyway. Never mind me, you have a more immediate situation. Speak soon.
     
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  4. Highlander2

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    @RejectedAt8 I've read your post, and I am touched, and I say this with all sincerity - humbled by what you've said about my posts. I know this is a good bit of time after you've posted so I hope that the last few months have started to give you some space and time for everything to settle. It can feel like you're in the eye of a tornado and all you want to do is go back to feeling safe and discomforted with the feelings you had before, while everything is torn up around you. I hope that that feeling has started to calm.

    It's coming up for 10 years since I came out and posted the first post on here and the volume of posts since I put an update on a few months ago, of guys in similar situations - well, it breaks my heart to see so many decent people so torn up inside.

    I can't give advice - I can only tell you how things have gone for me and how I tried to make my life work for me, but also make my ex-wife's life and my children's lives work for them too.

    For me it was consistently showing up - literally and metaphorically. Those early years were hard for my ex-wife and me, and she was angry and frightened. The future she believed she was going to have was just wiped out and she was scared about so many things - and I was the last person she wanted to confide in about what they were. Often it was angry accusations made to make me feel guilty. But I did the responsible things, made sure my children didn't go without, paid my money every month, was a constant and present father and supportive ex-husband. I didn't stop loving her, just stopped loving her in the way she needed me to.

    We are close friends - it has taken work, me demonstrating that even though we're not together I'll still be there to support her when or if she needs it, always there for my children. Has it all set me back? Definitely. My future isn't what I had envisaged it to be, but I'm living authentically. I find pleasure in things all around me. I don't need to spend huge sums on exotic holidays - a week with my kids coming to live with me is magical.

    It can work - it isn't always easy. Know your values and the principles you want to show your kids - that just because a marriage ends and two people separate, it doesn't have to be war and hatred. My ex-wife and I agreed that we needed to put our kids first, to set aside any animosity she had and anger - my commitment to her was to make sure they were all taken care of, and I've done that solidly ever since.

    Have I found love with a man? I did, but as I've discovered, insecurity and anxieties affect everyone and gay men - I suspect - carry more of these than their fair share. So, I've been single for the last three or so years - not really that interested in rushing to find someone, so I date selectively, and have boundaries and know what I want from life and what I don't.

    Sometimes in the early months or years, just looking to the next few days or week is as much as you can manage. Then it might be the next six months, and then it might stretch to the next year. Be kind to yourself, try and see where there are, as one of my friends told me, "pockets of happiness" every day. For me, that could just be a cup of coffee I had, ten minutes writing down my thoughts, watching some tv, getting an early night so I slept well, cooking something for dinner.

    I still practise that. Every day, being grateful for what I have, and yes, sometimes I'm still grateful for the cup of coffee I make.

    I know I'm not on here much. If you, or anyone else has questions, I'll dip in and out and do my best to answer as quickly as I can.

    It does get better.
     
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  5. Maldoone

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    That was extraordinary. Thank you. I'll read it again tomorrow and try to say something useful!
     
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  6. Markieg64

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    Hi highlander2
    I understand what you are going through I went though what your going through now and it is very hard , and to put it blatantly without trying to sound harsh the answer to your question is no .
    Once you exept that you are gay it does not go away belive me I tried to the point of wanting to end my life ,but I got help from ec and the people's on here .

    Yes you can live with you wife still being married for mutual and financial reasons to you both . I do I sleep in separate bedroom and we have a agreement that we have an open marriage we're we go and do our own stuff and meet people , but still do family stuff yes my family know that I'm gay but my kids were older .
    It was not plane sailing at first but kept talking and you possibly can find that salution you are looking for that suites you both .

    Highlander2 I hope this helps you keep coming on ec they really do help take care and I'll keep my fingers crossed
     
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  7. Highlander2

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    Thanks Markieg64, I appreciate the advice you’re giving. The post you’ve replied to his about 9 years old though, and my life has turned around significantly since then. I’ve been living as a totally open gay man for 10 years and am now living a life I’m actually happy with.

    It’s really helpful advice and some of the guys who find themselves in the position I was in back then - and you too - will take a lot of comfort from how you’re navigating your own situation.

    It sounds like you’ve found some kind of balance that is working for you all, and that’s not an easy thing to achieve at all.
     
  8. Maldoone

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    Hi Guys

    Oh yes this is a journey! Latest push ywo months ago saw me sign up to an infamous G app and have met many people on there...some I will not see again after I blocked them! I met guys on there who want more than hookups, and our conversations have flourished. What a surprise, it took me a year to screw up the courage to get on, and wish I'd got there sooner. As a way to move forward, if you can handle the traffic, it's well worth the free version. One other thing I found is because I live in a rural location it's hard to connect with others. G has shown me I'm not alone - far from it. And that's very comforting.
    And - for a lot of the time I've been on this journey, I've been questioning my presence on it. I mean am I really gay? Could I be wrong? So I took myself off to the local gay sauna and; well, I'm totally happy now! (NB if you do decide to do that, read up on it first)
    Still, Markieg, I am so impressed that you have managed to come to an arrangement with your wife. I don't sleep in another room, but the lack of any initimacy and indifference she has for this what I think essential part of life is almost the same thing. Financially I can't leave, spiritually, I'm already gone. The pressure builds and it's coming to a head now. Sometimes I just want to throw it all in the wind.