Hi all. well, it took me some time and over-thinking to write on this forum. So first of all, I didn't choose my Avatars name/appearance because I'm trying to hide anything or trying to appear extra mysterious. I just feel (sometimes) like a ghost. I'm there but no one recognizes me. I'd be "that guy" you talk at a party ... maybe the whole evening ... but the next day you wouldn't remember my name nor if I was there at all ... But anyway, that's not why I'm here. So all of my life I was always way more drawn to woman than to men. Not just sexual but also on sole friendship level. It's really hard for me to form male friendships. (Sorry,I don't know how to describe this better ...) Even today my circle-of-friends consists of 95% woman from which are aprox. 30% lesbians. Now 4 yeas ago a (male) friend of mine disappeared from Facebook. No one knew what happened. Then, after 2 years he came-out as a transgender (she's done full surgery now). This was a first time that I got "in contact" with the topic. Then, just last year a long-time (lesbian) friend of mine also came out but as a trans-man. I always had the felling - and we were openly joking about - that he's just a man trapped in a woman's body. Not because of his physical appearance but from his mind-set. I'd never thought he actually would become trans Now this made me question my own sexual orientation. While several lesbian woman also have suggested that a "woman live inside my body" no straight girl ever did. They called ma a "lesbian identified man" - which is a term used in "the L-Word" series, but I doubt that something like this really exists ... Now ... there's the Kinsey-Scale that is basically saying: No one is 100% straight nor gay, but something on a scale of 1 to 10. I couldn't find something similar for transgender people. So if there's one, I'd put myself at 66% male and 33% female. But the real question (for me) is: do I already qualify as a transgender person ? I mean ... where do you draw the line ? 25%, 30% 50% more than 50 ? ... this is all confusing to me
I don't know about precentages, since for me there is no 95% or 100% male. I just know that I am one. It's how I feel in my soul level. Something similar like the kinsey scale I feel like don't apply here at all. There are Nonbinary people and gender non confirming and so on, where people sometimes feel like a man and other times as a woman or feel like they are neither or both or it fluxtuates. It's all a very individual thing.
hmm ...ok ... but there must be "one point" in your life where you admit/confess-to yourself that you're different. May I ask what was your point/incident that made you realize it ? Yes I'm aware that this was surely not a single piece ... but such pieces accumulate to a threshold ...
Yes there were several things that pointed to it, since early childhood. As a child I noticed that I just didn't belong with the girls. It made me start depersonalizing and I felt like I was within a thick fog and I didn't really knew what or who I was. I just acted like others expected. Then there were a few instances, where I felt awful, because I was treated as a woman and that brought me distress, but I still didn't realize it. When I actually acknowledged it to myself, then it was this lightbulb moment. It felt like this entire fog just lifted. I was just simply thinking about it, what it would feel like to be in another body and then it changed into what it would be like to be in a mans body and then it just clicked and I thought what if I was a man and that thought didn't left me alone. I felt confused, scared and like a monster, when watching myself from the mirror. Like I was watching a stranger through this strangers eyes. I started doing research and thinking back to my childhood and it was like puzzle pieces falling into place and I started feeling this euphoria, when imagining myself as male and it made me incredibly happy.
gh0wst7.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! Empty Closets is all about making connections and giving LGBT folks a voice when they otherwise don't have one in their day-to-day lives. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression”, there are people there who may have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. I'm sure that you have watched trans youtubers...but just in case, here are some favorites of mine that you might like: MtF: Victoria Rose, Riley J. Dennis, Renna Williams, Robin jaspers, Gigi Gorgeous. You have found a great person to talk to about this when you connected with @Rayland. He will understand a lot of where you are coming from. There is another staff member that you might want to touch bases with also who could give you some insight: @Hawk So glad that you have found us here on EC! Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
Hello Ghost, if your question is 'am I transgender?' then only you will truly know the answer. I'd start by looking into your heart - what are your deepest wishes? What do you really truly want? How do you want to live your life? You mentioned about feeling 'different'. I knew I was from a very early age. In fact, my mother used to proudly say her eldest son (me) was "different." But what was the quality, the source of that difference? From about the age of 6 I can remember wanting to be a girl. Girls wore prettier, more colourful clothes, and were just nicer to each other. But this was Britain in the 1970s - I knew I could never tell anyone my deepest wishes. If I ever voiced them I would be an outcast forever. Like most people, I wanted to be loved and accepted. Like most kids, I wanted to be 'normal'. There wasn't even the language to describe what I was feeling - we were decades away from words like 'transgender' being part of our vernacular. All I knew was that the only solution was to forget all this rubbish about wanting to be a girl. So I tried. For over 40 years. But I couldn't outrun these feelings. Every time I thought I had left them behind, I'd look behind and they were still there. Until 2020, when I finally accepted myself. Anyway, Ghost, that's just a truncated version of my story. I'd encourage you to read around the subject, have a look at old threads on EC and try to feel your way towards an answer. Let your feelings be a guide - does the idea of being a girl make you happy? Maybe the idea of being genderfluid does..? Good luck, my friend. Beth x
I'm gonna throw in my story too, maybe it'll help in some way. I hadn't always known, or had very obvious signs as a child that I was trans. I liked boy's toys and clothes more, but I didn't really mind that my parents made me wear or play with girly things. I was just a child, whatever, I just wanted to be comfy and have fun. I only started feeling weird when puberty hit, I think at 9ish years or so. I suddenly started feeling out of place and I couldn't really understand why. I kept telling myself that I was just insecure and I'll grow out of it, because that's what my parents told me. From then on to 17 I just kept presenting more and more masc without the express purpose of looking male; it just made me feel more confident, so whatever. I'd already learned what trans meant, but I kept telling myself I wasn't trans. At 18ish I started experimenting more with my friends. I had like 3 years of being a guy within my friend group, when I kept asking myself 'Am I really trans?' before finally admitting it to myself at the beginning of this year. The moment when it clicked for me was in last late December. I had gone out with my cousins, who I was completely out to for about 2 years - everyone treated me as a guy. We'd gotten at my place and were deciding what movie to watch. I was sitting down and watching them as they were arguing and at that moment I felt some sort of peace for the first time. And I just had the thought of 'I fucking love being a guy'. Not 'i love being trans', not 'i love being a trans guy', just 'a guy'. It was then that I was sure that transitioning would be the right path for me, that I indeed needed to take that path. I'm still pre-t, but the wheels are in motion. I didn't have an 'a-ha!' moment regarding being trans or not, but I did regarding being a guy.....if that makes sense. For me, the trans label comes with a lot of controversy, so trying to answer the question of 'am I truly trans?' kept sending me into spirals, which are very difficult to escape. Things like 'am I 100% trans?' 'what's the threshold?' 'what makes someone trans?' cannot be answered objectively. The only thing you could definitely say is that 'a trans person is someone who identifies as another gender than the one assigned at birth', but i doubt that'll satisfy you. This is your own journey, and it's something you need to define and figure out for yourself, ultimately. Of course, support and advice is definitely needed, but 100 people can tell you the same thing and it won't fully register until you've reached that conclusion yourself, organically. I'd spent 3 years (actually I think it's closer to 5) wondering if I was trans, if I was trans the right way, if I was faking it, if I'd brainwashed myself, because in my head there was a correct way of being trans, but I never applied those same standards to other people. And as humans normally do, we tend to validate everyone else apart from ourselves, even if we equally deserve it. The questions in Beth's answer are very important, and I think you should reflect and them. It's more important to understand your own needs and wants than to adhere to what's socially correct or expected. Also, you mentioned being part male part female gender wise, why not take a look at nonbinary identities?
Puh ... Hi all. Thanks a ton for your (very supportive) answers ... and sorry for my late reply. Well, more easily said than done. One reason why I came here is that "I don't know" and that I don't have a clue. That's why I started this thread. I was/am looking for indicators, clues, landmarks to find out. Am I just exaggerating or just being hysteric at myself. I don't know. My backstory is a bit like Chicodeoro's. While I'm more a kid of the 80's rather than from the 70's, I felt quite strange as a kid "that something was wrong". But I'd never link that to a misgender affiliation. Back in the day "there was no such thing", and noone would ever think about it. Not me not my parents not society. I remember my mom took me to therapy because I told her that I'm feeling "sad and kinda misplaced ... but I didn't know why" So I was diagnosed with a "mild depression". Looking back this "might" have been something else ... But I accepted it and would go on with my life ... Now, (almost) 40 years later I'm beginning to question all of these decisions. Yes I enjoyed the dressing game at a pre-teen, yes I had a "girlfriend" when I hit 2nd grade, I didn't had male friends till 6th grade, yes I had been bullied for being "not manly" enough and yes I always adored woman for their looks, their stuff (clothes, shoes, jewellery ...) and the way they treat others. It was not that rough, dominant or mean as their male counterparts. Ok, there were some exceptions - LOL - but overall ... As a boy/man there were some pretty "carved in stone rules" on how a real man had to look and act. And I can remember that not following them (as a kid) would often cause some "irritation" to grown-ups which were happily to correct you ... So after a while you not just simply adapt but also promote them: telling others what's it gonna take to be a real man. Or, in more modern terms: toxic masculinity. However my "inner girl" could never be silenced completely. And as I grow older it became louder and louder. Still I'm not sure if I just overreact nor if I've "the right" to call myself a transgender. See, I've two TG friends and know what they've been through ... mentally and physically (GAS) and I'm nowhere near that. I never felt their urge or anxiety nor the pressure to change. With me it was more of an itchy feeling back in my head ... like: there's something and it's not right ... but I'm ok with it (At this point I hope I'm not writing complete nonsense ...) So I don't know maybe I'm not a transgender woman but more a non-binary person. But that's even more confusing for me. Nobody is 100% female nor male ... That (again) would raise the question: where to draw the line. I personally would put myself at 33% womyn and 66% man. But what's your suggestions ?
I was a straight male until one day at a nude beach . I saw a man that I just wanted . My girldriend and I had a very long talk after that . I decided I was bi. I got to enjoy loving both men and women. She even encouraged me and help with arranging dates. Sometimes for us as a couple with others. We got to talking because she knew i had an eye for fashion and many other things. She didn' nt want to be a lesbian , but want a friend as woman to do things with. With me loving breasts , I decided I wanted my own. My girlfriend was all on board with this. So I started taking hormones . Since her passing I came out as a pure gay man but with a nice large B sized breasts. There is nothing better than dating men. I am living my life as I always wanted to .
