Hi all. I’m 34, married with three kids. Both of which are my world. That being said, I have come to accept that I am bisexual. I’ll be honest, I’ve always known but never accepted it and ignored it. I’ve hidden it well. My wife obviously doesn’t know. However, just recently, I feel as though I need to come out as it’s a big part of me and don’t feel as though I can go the rest of my life without being true to myself. I know I should’ve told my wife beforehand but I didn’t. It wasn’t what I wanted to be in life but now as I’m getting older, I’m realising it’s very tiresome to keep hiding it. We have had chats recently about crushes etc and I’ve told her mine is Jason statham. She didn’t bat an eyelid. I’m a man’s man apparently. Very masculine in most senses. So she wouldn’t expect it I don’t think. I don’t want to break her heart or ruin our family dynamic but don’t feel as though I can give her my all without acknowledging my sexuality. I don’t want to act on it, just acknowledge and be free to celebrate this side of me. Any thoughts?
Mybistory.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When I first joined Empty Closets I was in need of a lot of support and encouragement and I found it here…EC is a safe place. I hope that you'll find good things here too! Folks here will talk to you and share...you don't have to be afraid of asking questions...we're glad to have you! In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Sexual Orientation" here are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
Mybistory.....Now that the welcome is out of the way...if you don't want to "act on it" I assume that you don't feel the need to explore sexual experiences with men, then the "threat" to your marriage is not great. Many women, when they discover that their husband is bisexual feel threatened by the unknown of what will happen to their marriage. They are worried about how the future will work out for their children and for their financial stability as well as what family and friends will think. When I came out to my wife I assured her that I did not want to change anything about our marriage...I just needed to be free of the secret that had tortured me for so very long. Being free of that secret was the first step to the end of the depression and self-hate that I had suffered for such a long time. I had found a therapist that worked with the LGBTQ Family and with his help I was able to come out to my wife...easily the most difficult thing that I've ever done, but at the same time, the most important thing that I've ever done. We had built a life together, built a family together and I did not want to give that up. She is a wonderful woman and we have stayed together and are actually closer to each other now than we were before I came out to her. One of the most important parts of a marriage is communication and by coming out to her, I opened the communication channel more than it had ever been before. Of course, every situation is different and there is no guarantee that your situation will work out the same way that mine did, but I do know that honesty is always better in the long run. You will have to make your own decision, but if you truly love your wife, being honest with her is absolutely a way to show that love. Please keep us updated on how this continues to work out. You are a part of our LGBTQ Family and we do care! .....David
Hello @Mybistory, and welcome to EC! I've pretty much been where you are now: the March before my 32nd birthday, I could no longer lie to myself about what I am. I had grappled with the question of whether I was bi on and off for years (since my teens), and I spent a lot of time either in denial, or convinced that I couldn't be and that any draw I felt towards other girls was a phase I'd grow out of. It wasn't. It actually became more demanding each passing year., harder to ignore until it consumed my thoughts almost entirely. Hence, in the time I mentioned, I came out to my husband. He wasn't the least bit surprised, even teased me for getting myself so worked up about it, and since then, we've had some discussions here and there about whether it would impact our relationship or not (to make a long story short, after about a year of being out, he gave me a hall-pass to seek something short-term with another woman; I considered it strongly, but in the end, I've made my peace with my lack of same sex experience). In your case, there is no threat to your relationship, and like @quebec said, many women are often afraid of what it might mean when their partner comes out as bi. It seems to be one of those double-standards in the bi world, wherein men are usually more accepting of their bi female partners than the other way around--so for you to come out, you'll need to cover all of your bases as quickly as you can. When you come out to your wife, the next thing you need to say is that it won't affect your relationship; you aren't looking to explore anything outside of what you have with her. That the only reason you're coming out is because you want to share all of yourself with her, very facet of who you are that you can. It's about accepting yourself, finding peace, and through it, being the best version of yourself you can be--and in so doing, the best husband you can be. It might still take her time to digest the information, and that's okay. It may not seem like big news to you, but for her, it might change her whole perception. All you can do is continue to reassure her that this in no way changes things between you, and above all, that it doesn't change who you are--you're still you, you're still the man she married. You're just more complete. Take as much time as you need, and only come out when you're absolutely ready. But when you are, don't beat around the bush--that will only serve to make you both more anxious.
For me the issue is the same as the quote from BiGemini87. I’m in that space after telling my wife a few weeks ago. What a fantastic note. Thanks BiGeminni87!
The fact that you are not looking to explore anything outside of your marriage might make this a bit easier on your wife since that eliminates any possible insecurities sharing your truth might raise. Sharing your truth is not easy and you can't predict how people will respond, but if you feel like this is what you need to do to feel more free then you should do it.
Part of what you have to expect is your wife always looking for signs of anything that might indicate you’re not being honest. At least that’s my case. I know she’s gone through all my drawers to check for signs I’m cross dressing. She doesn’t want to be embarrassed by others finding out. Like I wouldn’t expect that right. My cross dressing clothing is well hidden. Looking forward to the day that won’t be an issue. Maybe I should just tell her. That’s not going to happen for awhile though. How can I tell her and convince her that’s it’s not about anything but expression?
Maybe it would help to reframe this as an opportunity to get closer to your wife. Being vulnerable and open can make your relationship richer. Your wife loves you and if I were her I’d be so honored that you shared this with me. Seeing a new side of someone you love can be a wonderful thing.
Well, if your wife didn't have an immediate reaction to admitting you have a crush on Jason Statham, I can only assume it's safe to come right out and say it. You said yourself you don't want to pursue anything and your kids and marriage are your entire world, and your wife loves you, so I think it wouldn't hurt to tell her.
What I am experiencing .. and I don't know if others would consider this... is that coming out to my wife is putting her into the 5 stages of grief Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and finally Acceptance. Critically looking at my relationship and reading previous posts of others, it seems that this is a valid trend of thought to follow.. Your partner is faced with possible loss and experiencing grief.. even through they would not admin it. Now, I have been through denial, working on getting through anger .. (only came out 6 odd months ago) Even if you think that your wife would accept your coming out, it would still be a shock ... Our house hold is a LGBT zone (kids) .. so my wife is accustomed .. but still.. she has not accepted the truth... I also like guys... and girls ... and basically any one else , and I am fine with it .. I agree thought that pushing through this is worth it... You will probably find that you will still be hiding .. but at a different level where you are comfortable with the possibility of coming out on a larger scale.... and I believe with time, that wall would also finally crumble. The cool thing is that you are not alone..
The grief model is a great opportunity to understand what’s happening. I would caution against using it as a tracking model for how someone else is doing though. It can be all over the board or all at one time. But the stages are good guides to help you understand. For instance my wife is all over the board since I told her. If you look at from the 10,000 foot level it can be pretty clear but if you look at from ground level it can be totally confusing. We both need time and patience. We both need to keep connected in anyway we can. This is a really tough time though. Hang in there, be patient and let them know you love them. Easier said than done.
I think you have it all nailed, frankly. Unless your intention is just to make a point, and unless you think she is bi, I am inclined to leave it alone. You love and have comfort with your family. If your wife is not accepting you may lose the important component you call family. How old are you? In another life I would be bi but I am so rooted in all pieces of my life I choose willingly to keep it to myself. I do enjoy fantasizing about men. Just choosing to not act on it. you are a well-rounded decent guy it seems; good luck.
