*record scratch* You probably wonder how I got here. No? Well, maybe slightly projecting cause I for sure am. Name: Bicchi. Age: 27. Sex: Male. Gender: Man. Sexual Orientation: N/A. (Apologies in advance for mobile users) Always considered myself bisexual or not-straight since late high school mainly due to my porn habits, didn't have the desire for same sex experiences. I came here before in 2018 whilst in college after a failed hookup with a woman I didn't find attractive (maybe I should say, aesthetically? Cause sexually is kinda the point of this post yea?). I'm not sure why this particular incident threw me into a spiral, I think I just expected to be able to participate in hookup culture in the way I saw it unfold, and my inability in the moment to perform and have sex for sex's sake made me feel something was wrong with me. In reality, my libido is not that high Anyway, led me here, and I eventually was able to reason my way out because that in itself isn't indicative of any one thing. So, let me paint a picture then. Sexually active since 16. Never been able to ejaculate through sex whether vaginal or anal(though it also takes entirely too long by myself, could be a separate issue, I do have a porn issue). Been with a man, women, transmen, and a transwoman. The sexual experiences have been.. fine? I'm not sure I care about sex much, and more about pleasing the partner, but that just may be do to not having that proper attraction that I may find with more exploration of the same sex. Also never been in love, though I did have the butterflies and all that good stuff, infatuation, etc in my earlier years with women. Anyway, I left here and came back to the real world, rationalizing my issues with asexuality, demisexuality, low testosterone (could still be applicable), etc. 2020 land myself into a relationship cause why not(I found out why not, you will too lol). 2021, this relationship becomes polyamorous, so it became MFF since my partners were bi (truly only think one of them was, the other was straight but that's not important). I'll refer to one as Purple(2020), the other Black(2021). We had threesomes, but while I couldn't maintain and perform with Purple, I could go literal hours with Black. This understandably caused friction within the relationship. And also failed to make sense to me if I am gay, an epiphany that came to me off edibles during our one year anniversary staycation with Purple. Well, few months after this and everything eventually ends in 2022 (though I was too much of a coward to end it myself, because I couldn't think of a proper reason to, and wasn't and still am not sure of my sexuality, and honestly guys, being gay in a polyamorous relationship with two women is just a silly situation to even conceptualize, like what?). 2022 was spent with some hookups, but my erection issues and ability to perform waned over time and I definitely could no longer go hours. Now, present day. Seeing this gorgeous woman, and I enjoy her and she does me. First time, had no issues performing til we took a break because I was lasting too long and then couldn't get it up. Then a situation involving potential infidelity (I can't be certain) occurs which damages trust significantly. Ever since, I've had issues maintaining/performing like never before. Don't know if this is a trust thing, or a sexuality thing. If it was the latter, why would I have cared so viscerally about the aforementioned situation for someone I hold no attraction for? Regardless (and frankly that is a can of worms itself that I already have my therapist on so let's focus lol) I'm moving in about a month so this whole thing is temporary. Y'all read this entire journal entry with no question in sight, so I guess your reward for allowing me to take your time is this: Do you feel I'm gay? Am I just that deep in the closet? Not enough details? I'm definitely queer, just not sure entirely where I land in the spectrum. I don't see long term or marriage in my future really with anyone, cause I've not loved anyone who's made me want that. Perhaps in the split attraction model, I'd be aromantic?
Hopefully this post doesn't go awry of any code of conduct. First time creating a thread outside of the Welcome Lounge.
