Very much in denial

Not trying to sound mean you dont get to choose to be Gay or Bi you either you are or aren't.

 

I get that part I used to feel like being Bi was wrong especially when I hit 13/14

 

Hello @ElleInParadise, and welcome to EC!

I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. @Chiroptera has made some excellent points, so all I can do is add on to his statements: even bisexual people struggle, and while we choose partners, we don't choose sides--we are who (and what) we are, and there's nothing we can do to change that (no matter how much we may try to convince ourselves otherwise). I don't say this to negate your own struggles--the struggles of gay/lesbian people are every bit as difficult, and every sexual orientation has its unique set of obstacles to overcome. I say these things though, to give perspective, because should a bi person struggling with their own issues see your statement, they may feel they have no room or place to discuss their own problems.

It's okay, though. I know you didn't mean anything by it, and I know you're come from a place of fear, self-loathing, and desperation.

I think the environment you've grown up on has had a large, negative impact on how you view yourself and your attractions: I'd bet my life savings on this fact if I had to, because everything you've expressed--the shame, embarrassment, wishing you could live up to others' expectations--all ring true of those who grow up in intolerant homes/towns/etc. Under those circumstances, it's understandable if you struggle to find self-acceptance; it's something, unfortunately, you just can't force, either. It's something that has to come with time and patience, with a deeper and more profound understanding of yourself (and the world around you).

But the good news is, you've come to the right place to discuss your feelings. No one here will judge you for being attracted to women. The more you see it normalized around you--even if only online--the easier it will be to overcome these negative feelings.

 

Hey Elle,

You might want to consider doing some research on the term "Compulsive heterosexuality" or "comp het." Many people suffer from this who are raised a certain way, and grow up in areas where the culture is not open to same sex relationships. I've heard of people who fight like hell with themselves over not wanting to be gay. I won't lie, it can be a lonely place, but you are here, and you will only received love, support and understanding in this place.

Btw, I am very strange and weird but it has nothing to do with liking girls, which is probably one of the most normal thing about me.

Also, I don't think you can reply to anyone who leaves a message on your profile until you reach 10 post count. You need one more to do so.

 

I understand what you're going through. I didn't want to be gay, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't be straight. Eventually I came to a place of accepting myself and loving myself for who I am. I am gay and that is a beautiful thing that I am no longer ashamed of. It took me some time to get there, but it was the best thing I ever did for myself. There is only one you, and you are perfect just the way you are as a beautiful, bad ass lesbian. Focus on loving and accepting yourself who you are and not on what you think you should be based on other people

 

Hey welcome to EC, I totally understand where you are coming from. I come from a liberal accepting family and when I realised I was gay I still didn’t want to be. It is possible to move past how you are feeling, I am not going to say it will be easy but it will be better and easier in the long run than living a lie. I’m sure EC can help you it did me.

 

Hello, welcome to EC. I know this feeling, I used to think exactly like you (still kind of do). I really hope you will find the help you need and that you will be capable to accept yourself.

 

EllenInParadise welcome to EC! Sounds like you got here at the right time. It’s not at all strange to go to through the dysphoria you’re experiencing. Personally I was dysphoric for decades but had that conflict buried deep inside my consciousness (except when I got drunk and had sex with guys). A few months ago my consciousness said, “Time’s up Bub! You can’t hide anymore.” stick around and keep asking the questions and exploring the site. You have definitely come to the right place. We’re here for you.

 

Hey there! First of all, congrats for joining us all here. That’s a courageous step. You should be proud. Secondly, acceptance unfortunately I know from experience is something that isn’t immediate. It can be hard especially if we have thought of ourselves for an extended period of time as one thing to change how we (and others see us). I know it’s probably not easy to believe this now, but there’s nothing wrong with you and you have nothing to feel ashamed of. You are perfect the way you are and should never change. If women are who you want pretending you want to be with men when you don’t will only make you miserable. You deserve happiness and to feel fulfilled in your relationship.

 

Hey,

I found myself in a similar situation when I realised I only like women too. I’m not masc at all either and that’s okay! There is no one way for lesbians to look. Have you heard of something called ‘compulsory heterosexuality’? A lot of lesbians experience it before embracing their identity, including myself. But I promise it gets easier! I am extremely out and proud now and nobody in my life cares and i’m sure people in your life will probably be the same. The world is much more open to LGBTQ+ people now and I want to reassure that there is absolutely nothing wrong with not being attracted to men. You deserve to be your true self and live a happy life.