Hey guys! New here but have been browsing the forums and this place seems like an amazing community, just what I've been looking for. Anyways long story short. I'm 38 and Married to a woman, but over the years my attraction to men has just gotten stronger. Not just a physical attraction ( although that is definitely there) but a longing to have that shared bond, friendship, security and love. I still find my partner attractive but I find that my attraction/longing for men is very much stronger than my attraction towards women. I'm sure that has alot to with repression. I really want to embrace this side but don't want to hurt anyone or destroy lives. (My partner and I rely on eachother financially) and I certainly don't want to cheat. At the same time I don't know how much longer I can live this way. I want to come out and tell people this is who I am, but I'm pretty sure it will ruin me. Have any other guys dealt with this before??? I want to embrace this side of me, embrace another man. I just don't know how to go about it.
ShyBiGuy.....As I sure you realize, this is a tough situation. Coming out to your wife will not be easy. Sorry to sound dark, but I doubt I'm saying anything that you don't already know. Let's break this into two pieces 1) Coming out to your wife and 2) Embracing the side that wants male companionship, etc. Before we even get to #1...have you considered seeing a therapist? That is what I did when I was in a situation somewhat similar to yours. It was one of the best decisions that I've ever made. I came out first here on Empty Closets and for my first year only talked about my sexuality here on EC. That was a huge help, but it wasn't enough by itself. At that time I had sworn that I would never tell my family that I was gay. Almost a year to the day since I had came out, I started seeing a therapist. 1) With his help, three months later I was able to come out to my wife. Even then it wasn't easy, but I could do it and I am so glad that I did. Having a secret like that between you and your mate/spouse causes a "gap" that will only grow larger with time. It will separate the two of you further and further. I had carried that secret for so many years...actually decades. I could see the ill effects it was having on our marriage. Finally telling her was such a tremendous relief! She is a wonderful person and she accepted me. We have built a life together, a family together and we are staying together. That we are staying together is primarily due to the fact that I had decided that my family was more important to me than having a boyfriend or hookups. That is where we probably differ. Which leads us to the second part. 2)There are some options in a situation like yours. a) Some people have been able to make an "open" marriage work, where one or both partners are able to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. There are obviously difficulties with this as most people aren't willing to "share" in that way. b) There is an arrangement called polyandry/polyamory where there are more than two people in the relationship...usually three people. Again, this has it's difficulties as most people aren't comfortable with that extra person. If you do some searching on youtube you can find videos by people in both of those relationships. c) Most common of course is that the marriage comes to an end and the two partners go their own ways. You haven't mentioned if you and your partner have children. If there are no children, then the situation would be less complicated. You do say that you are financially dependent on each other. I have read several posts on Quora and I think I have seen a youtube video where the two partners have split but still live separately in the same house due to financial issues. So that could be a possible solution. There are a lot of variables...it just depends on the details of your particular situation. *****I don't know if any of this has helped. I've tried my best to think of everything I can that relates to what you said in your post. Please keep us updated on how this continues to play out! We really do want to help in any way that we can. You are a part of our LGBTQ family ld_big _grin: and we do care! .....David
I think it's not true that your attraction to man is stronger now. You able to accept your feelings and desires now more than in the past. Do you want to live not your own life in past? You will be happy only being yourself. Wife can't give it what you want. So... Go, go, go
Thank you for such a concise, thoughtful and honest reply. I have thought about all of said scenarios. I know we wouldn't work in an open relationship. I think we would end up going our separate ways but possibly still living together, at least until the kids are older. I am also looking into therapy specifically for said issues. Having someone to confess and help me through the process would help tremendously. I feel like I want to come out of this closet, but need the courage to go through with it.
Just a side note on therapy .. been there.. got the T-Shirt.. pick your therapist.. if you can.. don't just accept .... I started due to another medical reason as a physical rehab .. took me some time to come to grips with the fact that he was dissing me every time I bring up Bi... found a new one.. on my first day told he what I felt.. told her where I come from, that I am Bi .. and if she has any issue with it she should tell me up front.. She was great and accepting.. saw the subtitle LGBTQ tat on her arm .. all was good.. now I look forward to seeing her.. having meaning full sessions and not those wasted years with the other... Long story short.. pick and choose.. and if you don't feel comfortable .. move.. don't waste your time.. Now on a side note.. think about your wife.. and if possible.. therapy may also be a good thing.. I know they are not open to it ( out of experience ) but finally got mine to acknowledge.. she is scheduled for her fist session and hope she can work through this.. what ever the outcome may be.
I can't speak from a man's perspective, but I definitely struggled with this for some time after I came out. My husband and I discussed it off and on, and one day, he put the offer on the table: I could seek out a one-time (or short-term) experience with another woman. For quite awhile, I wanted to do just that--though I was incredibly nervous and certainly didn't want it to just be a hookup. Eventually though, I've reached where I am now: however attracted I am to other women, I no longer feel the pull towards having a same-sex experience. Somewhere between finally reaching a level of comfort and self-acceptance, and the mere fact that the offer was on the table, I realized I'm happier without experiencing someone new. Maybe I'll feel differently five years from now, maybe I won't... My point is, this feeling might pass--or it might not. Whatever you choose to do, I encourage you to give it a lot of thought (though I'm sure you've done plenty already), and really weigh the pros and cons of either staying in your relationship as is, or breaking away to experience this side of yourself. The first step is honesty--with yourself, and when you're ready, with your partner. Because @quebec is right: as long as there are secrets--especially ones of this magnitude--between you, that chasm is only going to grow bigger. And with it, resentment. I'm sure this is overwhelming, and if so, I'm sorry. I wish I could give you the answers, tell you what to do and how it will go... But this is something you will have to work out for yourself. I just hope the input you receive will be of benefit.
Hey welcome ShyBiGuy. Hope you find all the answers you seek here. It’s an awesome platform and the help here is real from real people . I’m always amazed at the understanding and thoughtfulness of everyone. So many of us have the same issues one way or another. I came to realize very late in life that I was Bi. I could not deny it and had to come to grips with what that meant. I outed myself to my wife and she tired to understand, had tons of questions after a while and is not sure where to find her own equilibrium now. I totally understand . She does know that I’m not afraid of who I am and am sure of what I am. She’s still not sure what means for her and doesn’t want to talk about it. Lots of tension and fear in our home. All our kids are adults, so that’s not a significant problem thank goodness. I’ve deciding I think to just let it settle and see where it all goes. it amazing what comes at us sometimes, but what an amazing reality change. In my case - finally. Finally I’m home!
I’m in the same position as you. Love my wife, long to be in the arms of another man. Men constantly on my mind. You’re not alone.
I experienced the same as I aged. My attraction to women diminished as I began to accept myself and I eventually arrived at the point where I am today. I identify as gay and not bisexual. I found myself questioning whether or not I had any attraction to women in the first place or was I faking it to put people off the scent of who I really was. I decided it was the latter. I've always felt a strong sexual and emotional connection to men but nothing really when it came to women. I've always felt gay and deep down I knew I was, even from an early age, it just took me a long time to accept. it did turn out to be the best thing I ever did for me. No more internal conflict. I was also lucky at the time I had no significant other to consider. It does make things a lot easier. I wish you luck on your journey.
I can relate... love my wife to bits, but my eyes do wonder. The weird thing is that the wife like opposite type of guys, although we would both comment on a sexy guy, some times I realy have to bite my tongue and keep quite, while that other side of me peaks out of its cage... hets me into trouble..
It is still so very strange to me that I could have such strong (and seemingly unshakable) romantic/loving feelings towards my (ex) wife while having little to no sexual lust. The mind is really a strange contraption.
I am in exactly the same boat. It took me a while to accept that I was gay but once I did I lost all attraction to women and once I had experienced gay sex I knew that I had never in fact had any attraction in the first place, it had been a front to put off accepting my sexuality. I realised that I was and always had been a Kinsey six and, now since coming out and living authentically, I feel so fulfilled. I likewise wish you all the best on your journey.
If I were you, I would think about the future and your choices in more specific terms. Do you want to leave your wife? How would you deal with it if your wife left you? How about your kids and your family finances? Can you let you compromise within yourself by letting your sexual desires for men remain fantasies that you use to enhance sexual pleasure? The answers to these questions may help you figure how your next steps.
So, “you want to come out.” Nothing wrong with that. “Pretty sure coming out will ruin you.” Curious what ruin means. You said, “I want to embrace this side of me, embrace another man”. Does embracing this side of you have to involve embracing another man? Maybe not? And you said, ‘I just don't know how to go about it.” I’m wondering, don’t know how or or maybe just not ready? ShyBiGuy it looks like you are so close. It also sounds like you’re really scared. Patience with yourself might be in order. Nothing wrong with being scared. I was cared sh*tless when I told my wife, but it had to be done on my timeline. She already knew, just didn’t know the depth of what that meant. We’re still slowly working through that. I’m guessing you will too. We’re here….
O... working through things.. got the wife to also go see my therapist.. so she had her first session.. and some follow-up ones already.. so its going good.. that is what I meant with that.
