So basically my dad is a good guy really. He tries I think in his way, but sometimes I think he just doesn’t get certain stuff, and that can often leave me in the position of feeling either I have to explain it to him, sometimes more than once, or I just don’t bother because when I have tried in the past he doesn’t always remember. Basically outside of basic stuff he doesn’t know or understand much about the lgbt community despite us having family members who are gay. He doesn’t know that I’m bisexual and part of why I haven’t come out is because I don’t think he will understand what that means. Last week I had to explain the difference between non-binary and bisexual because he thought they were the same thing which obviously they def aren’t. I explained the difference and how someone could be one or the other or both but that they weren’t the same and were about completely different things. I think he kinda understood after I explained but not really. The point though is, it’s conversations like those that make ME not want to come out. I think because of the way he was raised he was taught that bisexuality is not common and like a lot of people he seems to also not even be certain whether he thinks it’s a real thing. He’s from the generation that perpetuated the idea that all bi men are really gay, and I don’t think he even considers women being bi as a thing that happens. I’ve watched shows with him before with bi and gay couples before but for some reason I get the impression he doesn’t quite get it. I’ve had moments where I wondered if he knew about my sexuality because he’d make comments about me “meeting the right person one day,” “meeting the right man,” and sometimes he’d say “or woman,” tacked on more like an after thought. But lately all he’s been talking about is how I will finally meet a nice guy eventually to be my bf one day. The thing is despite being bi I love women more than men. I don’t want a bf and unless the guy was the most amazing man in the entire world I don’t think I’m going to end up with one. I don’t know how to communicate any of this though. I have already been out to several people for a couple years now but not him because I just don’t know how to explain how I feel. I’ve thought about just waiting until I have a partner and introducing him and hope further explanation isn’t necessary. I wish he’d make more effort to learn about the lgbt community.
Hello, @AnxiousReader! I get how you feel--dealing with those who don't really give credence to bi people existing. It's frustrating, to say the least. But I will say that I think, at the very least, your dad is trying in his own way, just like you said. It's hard for people to change their views on things, even with evidence; specially when they've been told something contrary their whole lives. In his defense (of the enby thing), I have a friend who's step-sister uses non-binary to mean bisexual in her case, and...well, when even people who are part of the community don't know the meanings, it does tend to set up everyone else for failure. ^^; Aside from that... Well, you might be right in deciding to wait until you're with someone. I'm sure if you told him beforehand, he would do his best to be supportive, even if he doesn't really get it. But I think seeing it for himself would make a much greater impact, in his case. Has he always had memory problems? Is it common regarding things outside the LGBT as well?
Yes, he does have trouble remembering a lot of stuff in general. And anything that’s outside his lived experience he really just doesn’t go out of his way to learn more about even though he’s not discriminatory. It’s why having vulnerable conversations with him is something I don’t do much of because I get exhausted feeling like I have to explain things all the time. I sometimes get jealous of people with parents that are more involved in general with the community and their kids who are part of it because neither of mine are, despite not having anything against gay people. I am out to my mother and though I don’t regret telling her and I think she tries to understand I don’t think she really does either. She wants me to meet a man I think so I can live an easier life. I also don’t feel I can talk about women with her really in general. I used to be able to talk about guys I found attractive as a teen but I don’t feel I can do that with women and most of the time it feels like she’d rather forget I’m bi. I feel like part of the reason I’m as closeted as I am is not necessarily by choice but because I don’t feel supported enough to be out to the rest of the extended family even though I’m not ashamed.
Anxious, it has occurred to me that for your age you’re a very courageous person. Might I aso add you seem to have amazing insite into your situation. We’re all rooting for you!
He sounds open minded enough to me and maybe it takes longer to sink in or he learns in a different way. I think the Kinsey scale is simple like a ruler that is 0 to 6 and everything in between. See how he does with that. Sexuality can have a measurement, like your height and age. I think you will be just fine coming out to him and let us know how it goes!! Who else are you out to?
My mom and sister, and my friends except for my childhood best friend cause she’s very religious unfortunately. I’m hoping to kinda soft launch my identify on social media for pride month by posting some stuff on my Instagram story. I already posted a little video on TikTok with bi colors and imagery but I don’t know how many of my relatives will have seen that. I’m not someone who normally posts on TikTok so they may not have seen it.
Hi. I read the whole OP. I can sense your frustration but I see a little bit of glass half full, too, and not all glass half empty. He sounds like he doesn't have anything against people in your extended family who are gay. That's how the tone of your explanation came across. If that's the situation, that means he's got some built-in tolerance. Right. There is that split viewpoint on bi men and bi women. It automatically throws bi men into one bucket and it makes for the erasure of bi women. I don't use the word erasure all that much. Some people look at it this way so they don't have to work too hard at understanding complex issues. My head could get to spinning if I had to think about all the sexual and relationship possibilities out there. I hope that he is a nice guy. I mean in the good way and not where people use that term to mean weak or friend zoned. He jut might be more traditional and stick to black and white thinking that many people are comfortable with. I was at the eye roll stage with "right man" and "right woman" comments I'd hear people make about single people a long time ago. I don't know if this helps put some positivity and humor into your situation. Keep in mind that you may be in a fairly good spot because it sounds like your parents are genuinely nice folks.
They are nice. I definitely am extremely lucky I know to have parents who are so kind and accepting of others’ differences. I think you’re right in that their outlook is just a bit more old fashioned in that they stay out of things and mind their own business for the most part. They aren’t really the type of PLAG parents who go to pride and stuff like that but they’re definitely not unsupportive. I don’t know why I wish they were more involved. Maybe I would just feel like I could talk about my feelings more. I don’t know why I don’t currently feel comfortable now but it just feels awkward.
With regards to your mom, your situation sounds a bit like one of my husband's cousins. She's in her early 20s, is engaged to a woman, and I know her mom is supportive--but also worries about her daughter. I think she's afraid that her daughter won't be taken care of by her fiancee the way she could be by a man, but this cousin also has dated several men before and basically wants nothing to do with them now, with or without her partner (traumatic experiences, unfortunately). I get the sense your mom just wants what's best for you--but like many parents who feel the same, she's going about it the wrong way. It's hard to watch your kids make mistakes (or what you perceive to be mistakes), because if you've been down the same road or one like it, you know the pain and the struggles that comes with them. I'm sure given enough time and calm communication, you will get through to your parents on this. I totally get your current frustrations, though. It can be pretty isolating, not being able to talk to people about things that matter to you--even something as simple as talking about female crushes as easily as you would male ones.
There a couple of things I believe are very important. Like all loving parents, they want what’s best for you and like most parents, they know what is best for you - they think. That’s what parents do. The most important part of this is they love you. It may be hard to believe, but in the long run they will still love you and they will come to accept your choices and support you totally. It takes time for them to understand and accept. Your patience with them will help them through their internal conflict. We so wish you the best.
That's cool you have lots of support then so I think you'll be great. Parents need to do what their child actually needs to be themselves, to enjoy being alive and be self-confident. Unfortunately very few follow that most critical rule or care to learn how to be a good parent, thus we're stuck with the ongoing toxic dysfunction. The majority of parents of my age and younger should be supportive of their LGBTQ+ kids but still so many who don't, it's so sad.
I've been struggling with how to respond to this so I waited until I had a bit more time to think it over and settle in my brain. Your parents are better than most when it comes to accepting, but maybe in your mind lack in the supporting department. The question is are you justified in your feelings about it, or are you being unfair? I think it's a little of both. I know you a little bit now and you appear to be level headed and fair, so I do think you should talk to them about how you feel. It could be they are not remotely aware of the level of impact being queer has on your day to day existence. Heterosexuality is not something people wear on their shirt. Straight people live in a world where it's presumed, and it's settled somewhere in the back of a subconscious mind. It's rote, it's an after thought. Not so true with queer folk. We wear it on our shirts, and if we don't we feel guilt over it and wonder if we should. Our orientation is more front and center, and most straight people don't get it. Your parents might want to place the topic of your orientation on a high shelf in a seldom used back room. Maybe not on purpose but in an absentminded, or misguided attempt at teaching you something, or keeping the queer daughter "in her lane." Lip service support is not the same as active support. They should be fine with talking about who you like without it making them feel uneasy, not even around other people. They should be aware of how this makes you feel. As their daughter you might have a difficult time escaping the "parental vacuum" that often exists in that relationship. But they may want to support you and not really know how. The other side of this is that they also have their lives to live, their own interests, passions, focus, and hobbies, and things that occupy their activities and minds. My parents are people too, they are even the children of other people. It's okay that they are not like me, and it's okay that they don't think everything that I see as important in the world and my life is something that they need to be passionate about as well. So I do think you should talk to them, but maybe with the mindset of someone who is okay and fine with their own rights to individuality. Sorry this is long. I probably thought about it too much.
Yeah I don’t think they do it with bad intentions. I think my mom just doesn’t think how it impacts me always. And my dad doesn’t even know. I guess I just sometimes feel frustration a lot because I feel like I’m hiding and I don’t want to. I feel like everyone including my relatives see me an a non entity. Occasionally they used to ask if I had a bf which of course I never did. Now they don’t ask about anyone at all. I don’t even know if it could have occurred to them I could be gay. I just feel so jealous of out couples. I look at couples on Instagram who can actually hold their partner’s hand in public, kiss them, feel normal. And the girl I like doesn’t even know I like her and she might never like me back. I guess I’m really just lonely and sometimes I feel invisible.
I don't think I can unpack everything in this message without writing a novelette. Trust me, you're not alone, and you're definitely not alone in your thinking. I'm almost afraid to give you advice because I don't want to see you hurt more. Just don't hide okay? "Light up, light up."
Wanderlost is right. You are not alone! The great thing about advice is you take the parts that you believe will work for you and leave the rest. Personally I believe Wanderlost has some awesome advice for us all. Give yourself all the time you need to set it all out. You have the time.
