Internalized Homophobia is so Awful

I know this is a term that gets thrown around a lot but it’s a very real reality for me and I’m sure a lot of other people as well unfortunately. I’m convinced it along with internalized misogyny to boot are what allowed me to go my entire teenage years completely unaware that I was capable of being attracted to women. It really upsets me how powerful a force it can be in society that we’re taught that boys like girls and girls like boys and that’s it, no other options.
Like a lot of other people I was basically taught that if you’re attracted to the same sex you know you are right away and if you don’t then you must be straight even though this is far from reality. As someone for whom that was completely untrue I definitely understand how you can go your entire life and have no idea that you have any same sex attractions in large part because of this myth. Especially if you have any sense of teenage body dysmorphia like I did that further compounds things. (How can you recognize attraction to the same sex if you’re constantly picking apart and hating your own body and anyone who has a body like yours?)
I really feel sad that I lost my teenage years essentially and never got to explore my queerness then. I figured it out at 21 officially but even now at 26, I still feel I can’t enjoy fully being comfortable in my identity. I’ve never dated, (not by choice, it’s just never worked out with anyone I’ve been interested in) and my lack of experience only contributes to my discomfort about myself. I *really want* to be with a woman and crave that kind of relationship so much but with all my mental baggage I’m terrified. Thinking about being with a woman fills me with joy but other times I feel literally nauseous and anxious about being with a woman or doing anything with her even though I have loved women before who didn’t return my feelings. I hate that I feel this way and I’m scared it’ll ruin any relationships I have. All I want is to be able to be with a woman who loves me as much as I love her. Fuck society and the damage it causes.

 

Thank you so much for responding. It’s so weird because I can go through periods where I’m find and feel totally okay about myself and my attractions and other times like today and yesterday where I’m incredibly scared. I’m so worried this will happen if I finally get a gf and that I won’t enjoy being with her physically.

 

I hope the same goes for me. Because honestly even though I’m bisexual, I really like women so much more even though I didn’t know I liked them until much more recently. The idea of being with a man makes me feel sad and that’s why I’m always worried that maybe I’m actually straight after all because then I wouldn’t get to be with a woman.

 

I think my family would be fine with it. Thankfully they’re fairly accepting of most things. Which somehow makes it worse because I know so many people have it worse so I don’t know why if my family is accepting that I struggle so much. I mean, I’ve always had an anxiety disorder so that’s nothing new but I hate that it has impacted mu sexuality so much.

 

Thank you. That’s very kind. I hope that things improve for you as well. I know anxiety is terrible.

 

Thank you very much. Honestly your words made me tear up. It really helped.

 

Wow thank you so much for responding! It’s so validating to hear that someone else feels the way I do. Sometimes compared to people more confident in their queerness I feel so weird and insecure because I’m internally so uncomfortable still and it’s a relief to know that I’m not a complete rarity. I definitely am hoping that by just putting myself out there more I can heal from this.

 

Thank you. I definitely agree that I should be seeing a counselor. I am not in a position to do so right now unfortunately but it’s something I def want to try.

 

Thank you very much for this response. I often feel so isolated by my negative feelings that hearing someone else share that they feel the same is such a relief. And it’s true, I have good days and bad. Today I’m doing much better than yesterday thankfully and I hope it will be a bit before I have another rough patch. I really hate feeling the way I do. Being bi and accepting it is honestly one of the most difficult things in my life I’ve had to come to terms with even though I’m happy that I am. It’s worth it though because sure, I could have never bothered to explore my attractions but then I wouldn’t have the privilege of feeling the positive feelings I have toward women which are so amazing. I do admit I feel jealous of people a few years younger than me a lot, (I’m 26) because I think if I were their age now I’d have prob figured it out in high school rather than at 21, but I can’t change the past so I have to live in the now.