Fear that it's too late, fear of being alone forever

Hi, Galaiah. I know the feelings very well. I came out late, too. A little later than you. A little older than you.

I was in a very religious family and upbringing. I always knew I was ‘wired up’ differently, but didn’t know what to do with that. With my religious background, I was a virgin when I married at age 24. I thought “Maybe I don’t like women because I’ve never been with a woman.” But I couldn’t be with a woman until I was married. HUGE error. I married this woman in the early 1990s. It didn’t take me long to realize it was a mistake. I have two amazing children, and do not FOR ONE MOMENT regret my choices, because if I changed a single thing, I wouldn’t have my kids (or my grandkids). I do wish I had found the strength earlier.

But yes, there’s this underlying feeling that life has passed me by. My experience where I live… if you’re over 30, you’re ‘gay dead.’ Are there gay people over 30? Yes. Is there age discrimination? HORRIBLE age discrimination. Gays over a certain age are viewed by others as old and creepy. At 54 years old, I feel like I have a lot of living to do.

And I’m not fully ‘out.’ I’m out to my friends and my kids. But my mom (80), and my siblings, I can’t come out to them. They are terribly right -wing conservative, with political leanings diametrically opposed to mine. I don’t want to kill my elderly mother and give her a heart attack so I don’t tell her. I’m sure she probably suspects. (Family always suspects).

For me, I do fear I waited too long. That I will never find someone special to share my life with. That I will die alone. A good friend of mine told me, “Hey, we ALL die alone. Married or not. Single or not. When the time comes, no one can go with us.” And that is true. I am just doing my best to focus on simpler things. Make friends who identify and understand my truth. Spend time with people. Enjoy the moments, even the little moments. Build my ‘Tribe.’ That’s really important. Even more important that family, in my mind. Your family is your origin. Your Tribe is your circle. They battle with you. They defend you. They identify with you. They understand you.

I hope you find that. I’m slowly finding mine. If you need someone to vent to, message me anytime.

C

 

Your brain was ‘wired up’ by society …. and your earliest upbringing and experiences of homophobia. It doesn’t sound like you have gay friends or people as a support network? If you could change that you may be amazed!

 

You're definitely not too old to start living the life you want, although in my experience finding a partner in the gay-male community can be very difficult. But even so, I would suggest that using your current time to rehash the past is not productive. Maybe you should move away from your family if being near them hinders your exploring what it might be like to live openly as a gay man. Good luck!

 

Galaiah, what the hell, 37 IS YOUNG! You're obviously educated and eloquent - someone would want you. (I mean, somebody already did, apparently.) BUT you need to get out of that town. You're stuck mentally and you need a change of scene. I think you should move to a city. I know you said you're introverted and so moving and socialising in a new place would probably be a challenge for you, but it's better than staying where you are.

About the job thing - could you retrain / take evening classes? Or even just move to a slightly different kind of job in the same field? Or work the same job part-time? It sounds like you might have the financial means to support yourself while working towards a new career. You're certainly not too old to change career entirely.

 

Hey I'm sorry you're feeling stuck in such a deep hole. Have you heard of Cptsd, freeze, collapse, stuff like that? I was reading some pages about that recently which sounds like me and your post reminded me of it too. Other information about trauma responses are out there too. Chronic trauma can often seem like no big deal to others which makes it that much harder to work on it. But to the person and when/how whatever happened, it can be debilitating to a healthy fulfilling life. Being highly sensitive (hsp) brings other challenges that most people don't understand and think it's our fault. No advice really, unless you might relate to that stuff and can get proper help with it. I hope the right medications and therapy will help you get out doing whatever you want and meeting kind people. Take care!

 

I have come to believe that we all come out at the right time. Some early some late. What’s important to me is finding a way to follow your truth. I’ve started coming out in my 70’s, you’re a youngster to me. Yes, it’s much harder but it’s the age at which I couldn’t deny it any longer. Here I am doing my thing. You’re okay and you’re right on time. Remember there’s a lot of support here and your never alone.

 

I think your sentiments probably resonate with all of us who accept we're homosexual late in life. Like you, I too knew I was gay from an early age but couldn't accept it, rationalised it as a phase that I would eventually grow out of. I didn't. The signs were clearly there that I wouldn't. Once I accepted I was gay many years later, I too feel I missed the boat relationship wise, especially since there was a man who I was very sexually and mentally compatible with but because I wouldn't accept myself, the boat left without me. It annoys me because I know it's mostly my fault. I say mostly, I blame the rest on society. The period I grew up in there was no way I could be openly homosexual, it would've been absolutely miserable and potentially dangerous. This lead me to suppress my homosexuality and live and outwardly heterosexual life and before I knew it, I was in my late thirties and still single. My turning point came when I had a very strong sexual attraction to another man. I had to accept what I always had known. I was gay and it felt great to finally say it, however, after years of denial, I found it even more difficult to tell other people and as he didn't want to keep it a secret (and why would he?) we went our separate ways. To this day, only a couple know and that's because they worked it out. I like some people knowing, it validates it to me.

I also watch homosexual tv programs now, such as Heartstopper, which I thoroughly enjoyed. I guess I live vicariously through the characters because they got to do something I didn't, grow up openly gay. I would've never done this prior to my homosexual acceptance, but my interest in the homosexual lifestyle skyrocketed after this momentous occasion. Accepting I was gay was the best thing I have ever done and even though I truly love being gay, it's still not easy telling others. In saying this, I now accept that if I find that certain man, I will come out because I won't pass up that opportunity again. Until then, I don't see the need to rock the boat. I need a reason. He will be that reason. This will happen in time and I believe in your case, you too will find that special man.

 

Hi zgaynz. Great response. I totally hear you. Something else I did was find a support group here in Austin. I go to my first meeting next week. I’m really hoping to not only tell others about who I am, but hear about others experience. This is a huge step for me. I sooo looking forward to being there though.. Like minds, like experience and to be with others who are like me instead of spending all my time with people who don’t have a clue. My only fear is that the group will not have anyone there over 30. The age thing makes me feel sort weird that I’m coming out so late in life, but that’s the way it is. Take good care and remember your supported here and others like who you are and what you are.

 

Like you I wish I had had the chance to grow up gay. It’s wasn’t in the cards for me. It took years until I finally able embraced my homosexuality. I can tell you for certain I will get old as an openly gay man! Perhaps if you were to finally and totally come out it might be easier to find the man of your dreams. For me it was meeting that first gay man that started my evolution towards being openly gay. I realized in short order that my road to happiness and sexual contentment was to embrace my homosexuality. Living vicariously through media might be ok for awhile but the real thing is so so much better. I encourage you to allow yourself to embrace the gay you openly. Mr Right might be right around the corner. It is never too late!

 

I think no matter when you come out there will always be a sense of having missed out, of time wasted--because that's what the closet is. I came out 30 years ago right after college and still one of my biggest regrets in life is not being out for college. I grew up in Utah in the 70s and 80s. I get why I didn't come out earlier but in hindsight I know for me it was the wrong decision and I regret it. What's important though is where you go from here. So many people virtually miss large portions of their lives. Some never do snap out of it. If you've reached the point where you have, then it's time to do something with it. It's never too late.

 

This is probably even more true than "everything happens for a reason."

 

No worries about your post being long. At 37, you are young. I don't know how you came to think that this is "old." It's not! When I was in my 20s, I was sometimes checking out 30 and 40 somethings.

I have a few questions after reading your post. Since you mention some bullying in grad school, did this sort of experience skip over your first university studies? I would almost expect this to be the other way around. Don't be too specific with details. I'm just trying to understand this.

If someone is in therapy, even for a long time, I would not suspect that, but some of your relatives seem to have done that. A lot of people are in therapy for different things, and the same things that send people to ACOA and experiencing trauma can also have someone enter therapy. Like you, my parents didn't care too much about my relationship status but other people sure did, like I was on some kind of clock.

I will say that I am on the same page with you about having regrets. I think this is normal. These would be about different forks in the road or asserting myself more around certain things, not related to relationships and sex, earlier in my life. I would say I almost kick myself for these things and friends tell me not to do it.

Like others have asked, can you make minor modifications or movements that would make your situation better and make you feel better? Just about all of the members here are trying to do just that - feel better. We all have than in common.

 

Yes, that's extra hard and I'm sorry. So many families are shit at raising kids, especially if the kids don't fit the expected box they want you to fit into. They make it out like we are wrong to want to be ourselves, we're bad somehow? Makes no sense in reality but they think they turned out fine so they'll do the same shitty parenting to their kids. Parents need to figure out what each kid needs to develop into their best selves, if they actually care what's best for our future. Otherwise we'll keep repeating the same dysfunctions that lead to so much needless pain and trauma.

 

I didn't realise I was gay until I was 50, 7 years ago, and I have no regrets.

I am mostly sexually attracted to younger guys, and fully realise I have missed out on having a loving relationship with another equally young guy. But I also consider how I may well also have missed out on catching HIV or even dying from AIDS, as happened to so many promiscuous gay guys when I was young.

I immersed myself in my local gay scene pretty much immediately upon realising I'm gay as I mentioned in my earlier posts on this forum, and am thankful for what I have had, rather than regretful for what I haven't had.

 

The "nuclear family" is a relatively new thing in the evolution of our species. For most of our history, children were raised by their hunter-gatherer tribe.

Parents might well be to blame, but that doesn't mean it's their fault. My parents made a better job of raising me, than their parents did of raising them.

 

I'm in my seventies. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, as this is something I tend to say when I post, you still (probably) have half your life ahead of you.

Okay, so you don't go to bars. But you need to put yourself out there in some way(s), because at its most basic, finding a partner is a numbers game. You can't fall in love with someone you never meet.

Best wishes!

 

Blue Horizon said, “I'm in my seventies. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, as this is something I tend to say when I post, you still (probably) have half your life ahead of you.”

2 quotes from above. You have time and btw, we all come out at the right time for us. Time to put yourself out there. I did it when I was in my 70’s. Scared like a child, but I couldn’t lie to my wife or myself any longer. Why did I wait so long. Cause that’s what it took. Your lucky. Go for it!