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Will I ever feel fully okay?

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Rayland, Mar 23, 2023.

  1. Rayland

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    I have been taking medications for depression and anxiety for 2 years. The one I'm taking now is the second one, because the first one that was prescribed to me stopped working and now I feel like this one isn't working anymore, because I get the same depressive feeling again. It's like your energy is getting sucked out. I have been consistent taking it as well. I haven't forgotten either. I get the depressive feeling, but no intrusive thoughts, so I don't know what's going on.

    I wish I could already stop taking them, but I feel like I'm still not okay enough to not take them, because it does seem to keep my intrusive thoughts under control. There was just once, where I forgot to take the medications for a few days and I got suicidal again, but since then it haven't happened. I'm terrified of it coming back though. The depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts were what made me search for psychiatric help in the first place, beside wanting to transition.

    Will I ever be well enough to get off of the medication?

    My overall health is improving, but there are still things like my mental health and my dysphoria, that feels like is getting worse and worse, because all of this waiting is also frustrating in order to just get on hormones and it feels like time is moving forwards, while I'm still on the standby.

    I want to feel okay, yet I don't. :frowning2:

    I'm just feeling gloomy and wanted to vent. I also feel like I don't want to sleep at night, because I have to wake up in the morning, what results me being up as long as I can at night and I keep being tired in the mornings.
     
    #1 Rayland, Mar 23, 2023
    Last edited: Mar 23, 2023
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  2. chicodeoro

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    Hey, you and me both Rain. I've now been on antidepressants for three years. I hope to be able to gradually come off...perhaps later this year.

    But first I've got to come out to everyone in my life and get myself out of legal jeopardy. Once I've done that, I can think about weaning myself off them.

    It doesn't sound as if you're ready to come off yours yet, Rain. Perhaps once you start your medical transition and (hopefully) when things are starting to look up, that might be a good time?

    You will. Like everything in this life, it just takes time.

    Sending hugs to you, Beth x
     
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  3. quebec

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    Rain.....It would be nice not to have to take meds...but even if they only help a little, it's still better than nothing. I know how hard it can be...been there and had those same feelings. Just remember that you can always talk to us and share how you are doing and we will Always Be Here for You.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  4. Rayland

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    I'm hoping to get off next year, because then I'm going to get committee appointment and hopefully be able to get on T. I don't think I'm ready to get off either, because my intrusive thoughts come back.

    Hugs back to you. I hope you are doing okay.

    Thank you. I appreciate it. Hugs.

    It's just that it feels like I have been meds on my whole life, because of been sick all the time as a kid and was put on antibiotics so much, that my organism created a resistance to some, but for a while I didn't get sick at all thanks to it and now I'm on meds again. I hate taking them so much.
     
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  5. mnguy

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    Hey bud, I hear you about not wanting to be on meds, same with me. I'm glad they've helped you when they could. I probably need another type or add on with current one to help as I'm skeptical if the ssri is doing anything. I suggest sleeping more if you can but that's what I enjoy most. I hope you feel better most of the time soon! :hugging:
     
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  6. Rayland

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    Thank you. I think the not wanting to awake thing in the mornings is my depression talking, but I do feel actually a lot better somehow thanks to all the venting. :slight_smile: I needed it. Dysphoria is still present (I'm certain it won't go away unless I get on T) and not feeling fully healthy, but talking does help a lot.

    I would talk about it to the psychiatrist about the meds. Maybe you just haven't found the kind that helps you yet. I had the other kind, that helped in the beginning, but later the depression got worse, so my psychiatrist described me something new, what I can take higher dose, without getting side effects.
     
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  7. Wanderlost

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    *Big hug* I'm sorry you're going through this with the meds. Listen to happy music or do things that you enjoy to get your mind off how they make you feel? Exercise can help, maybe a walk outside. It gets the endorphins going which are mood enhancers. Sunlight as well. Are you into gardening? I hate it, I kill most things I touch, but I've heard that can be very therapeutic.
     
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  8. Rayland

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    Big hug to you too and thank you :slight_smile:. Sadly I also kill all the plants, though I love nature. :frowning2:

    Can't bring myself to exercise, but would need it. Depression sucks out all the energy. I'm trying to keep busy by focusing on university homework and I do listen music. I do need more sunlight. It's been just raining here.
     
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  9. Wanderlost

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    Yeah same. I'm bad for plants but nature is good for me. And I do love being out in it.

    I don't suffer from depression but I do get down, Melancholy I think, and at those times I end up listening to the most dreadfully depressing music. haha. it's really dumb I know, but it's like I'm a moth to the flame and want to just drown in my own self pity and misery. It might be my body telling me I just need a good cry? Then I snap out of it when common sense returns and I'm like, "what the hell am I doing?!"

    It's raining here today and yesterday. I think I even saw some snow. The weather here is really strange to me. it can't make up it's mind or something.

    I think I'm diverting from the topic now, but I hope you're mood picks up and that you get good news from your doctor. And thanks for the hug back. I love hugs!
     
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  10. Rayland

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    I do it too. :sweat_smile: I'm down in the dumps and yet listen most depressive music, but it somehow helps. When I discovered being trans I listened to songs about leaving and good bye's, just depressive stuff, but it also somehow helped to accept it all more.

    Nature is good for me too. It helps to clear my mind and think more clearly, though there were times I dreaded going outside, because of bad thoughts.

    I know the feeling. Been there too. Crying can be good. It helps to relieve your feelings. When listening sad music I also cried and it all together helped. It's never good to bottle feelings in.

    It promised snow here too. Some days it's clear and sunny and birds singing and now it's raining and snow is supposed to come back, which I hope it don't.

    No it's okay. It's in topic. I do feel better right now, with all the venting and talking. I wonder how I ever survived before without this forum and without venting.

    I haven't really told what kind of health issues I have, which is why I haven't been feeling healthy beside dysphoria and what else beside depression I've been taking medication for.

    Right now with the doctors I've been to dermatologist. I had quite a few skin issues, but it's all better now. Things are improving.

    I have issues with my kidneys still (doctor suspects it's chronic) and my stomach has been hurting, so I'm taking medication against kidney inflammation.

    I have hypothyroidism (it's when the thyroid gland doesn't make enough thyroid hormones to meet your body's needs), what I'm taking medication for. The medication has helped here and does make me feel less tired. Tiredness is one of the symptoms.

    I have appointment to endocrinologist in may, because I have hormonal issues and issues with periods and hoping to find out, if starting taking T is even suitable for me. And hoping to get something to regulate my periods too.

    So there are a lot of issues, but am trying to get better.

    I love hugs too. There is never enough hugs.
     
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  11. quebec

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    Hello All..... This may sound a little weird...but watching videos of puppies and kittens always makes me feel better. Somehow I just can't stay unhappy when I watch puppies or kittens frolicking around! :old_big_grin:
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
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  12. Rayland

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    Not weird at all. I love animals and do it too. I also like watching nature cams. It's relaxing and helps to distract. Humor is sometimes the best medicine too.
     
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  13. Rayland

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    Yesterday I had the most awful dysphoria ever, that I cried. It caused an panic attack too. I was wanting to create an anonymous post, so not to make people worried, but i decided to wait and go to sleep and see how I felt in the morning. I feel now less dysphoric.

    Last night I was thinking of things like why me and what did I do to deserve it and I hate this. I was able to vent a little, where no one can read it all. And it made me feel better. Though no one sees it and the vent dissapears once you send it in.

    I'm a bit scared of who will I turn into. I don't regognize myself at all. 2 years ago I was a different person. Even my orientation seems to be changing and I'm not even on T yet.
     
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  14. 74andHome

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    Ryland I’m thinking you need to spend some pampering yourself. Seriously… time to remind yourself about who you and let the voices from the ghosts past who ruin your day take a hike. Complicated I know but doable. You get to choose who you turn out to be. I’m thinking that’s what the point of EC is kinda. Right? You got this! We’re here for you too.