I'm at the lowest point in my life and I've got nobody to turn to. I've been dealing with same sex attractions since I was 21. I've been diagnosed with hocd. I do all the testing rituals etc but there's no denying I feel attracted to the same sex. I don't like the feelings, and I've never been aroused by a man but I do believe now that suppression is to blame. I don't want to be with a man, but I don't really want to be with a man either. A couple of years ago I used to get aroused to women but now nothing. I'm deeply depressed and actually quite suicidal. I need help but it can't afford it anymore as I've lost my job over this shit. It's crazy isn't it? Letting something like this dominate your life? I feel weak for not being able to handle it and accept who I am. I'm scared and alone and I've got no one to talk about it with.
Why do you have to be with anyone? It's not for you so do what they say and make good friends and get your human companionship needs met like that. Volunteer somewhere once a week. Join a group for boardgames, dining out, walking or whatever you want. Suggest happy hour or going to lunch with work peeps. Get really close to your family for social needs. It sounds like that's all you can do unless Dr. can help.
I love mnguy's response. I mean, a great many problems in life get resolved by the mere passage of time. It sounds like you're at this crossroads, or penultimate moment, and yet you can just sit right down in that road and not go anywhere with this until you're good and ready. So as mnguy said, maybe distraction from the whole topic is a good way to go for awhile. Get obsessed with a hobby that has nothing to do with orientation or attraction to others. Eventually someone will probably come along and capture your heart, and then it won't really matter anymore. The suicidal thing is something you should seek help over, and it could be that free help is out there. At the very least suicide hotlines are free and they can link you to other more sustainable options. I hope you start to feel better. There is no shame in what you're feeling and going through. *hugs*
I am sorry that your conflict has made you think of suicide. PLEASE take those thoughts and bitchslap them to hell. LIFE is amazing either with or without a sexual partner. You stated that you have been "dealing with attraction to men" since the age of 21. How was your teenage years? Were you sexual or repressed? I offer you my experience: I was a good little Catholic boy who repressed the HELL out of his sexuality. I was also dealing with severe & deep self image issues (body dysmorphia) which made matters worse. I felt "attractions" to guys since kindergarten, and in high school I had a crush on a guy but I processed it as a physical attraction to someone whose physique I wished I possessed. I did - and still do - have an attraction to women but not in that passionate lust way that most horny teens do. At the height of my hormones and when I had a bit of positive self image feelings, I met my ex wife and had children. But the sex wasn't spectacular and got worse and worse with time. I am now over 50, divorced single dad, and chaste. Much like you, I don't think that I really want to be with a man but I also don't want to be with a woman either. I get aroused by handsome, powerfully-built men - and fantasize about wrestling/being dominated - but I'm not really into penises. I have been to gay strip clubs but don't really get aroused - as much as I love feeling those muscles. However, I also love female bodies and would go down on a beautiful woman in a heartbeat, but the thought of vaginal sex terrifies me (performance anxiety). SO... with sex being such a source of stress and anxiety, I have pushed that aside and am focusing on personal enjoyment. I travel, I eat, I volunteer, I enjoy concerts, and I hang out with friends A LOT... I fill my life with enjoyment. There is beauty in this world. We deserve to enjoy it. I am determined not to be a slave to sexuality. It's not easy, and I am in constant conflict. But I have survived a decade without "real sex" and will take my time figuring things out. I urge you to do the same... relax, take your time, enjoy the sunshine & the rain, eat good food, book a cruise, go to a live music gig... and purge your mind out of any harmful thoughts. You are more than just a sexual urge. Much more!
Hey I’m sorry you are struggling. Have you spoken to your GP? In most areas there are LGBT charities, perhaps you would be able to access some help through one of those?
Thanks for your replies everyone. I really like the suggestions and it's made me have a little bit of a different perspective this morning!
This is really beautiful and I needed to hear that today. My younger years were fine, had and enjoyed sex with women, never once did I think about having any form of intimacy with a man. I was depressed when I hit 21, quite severe, and that's kind of carried on to this day (I'm 40 now). I'm a bit of a hermit and don't really like meating new people. I've got a good group of friends though - I just haven't made the effort recently. Do you feel like a fraud around others/friends etc.
I can relate to you on the hermit front. I know how hard it can be when you feel totally isolated. You say you have a good group of friends which is amazing, I have a few friends here and there too, but I also feel like a fraud and question my connections to other people a lot of the time. And meeting new people is hard for me. This probably isn't 100% relevant to your original post, but I just wanted to chime in with this and say that obviously you're not alone. Introverts and socially shy people can find things harder sometimes, but that doesn't mean the support and potential connections aren't out there, and even though I have feelings of being a fraud I know that there are people out there who appreciate me and there are people who appreciate you too. I know you know this is true since you say you have reliable friends, but I guess I wanted to state the obvious because writing it down and actually verbalising that I'm appreciated has weirdly helped me at times.
Hey, I'm sorry about feeling suicidal, I didn't read all of the op so I was only replying to what I had read. I'm glad you have friends you can cultivate those bonds if they're good for your health. Some old friends might be very unhelpful, even pull us down so let those go. I'm an even older hermit so it's possible to do, but I don't recommend it. Wishing good things for you!
What do you mean by 'feel attracted' ? do you have sexual fantasies or you THINK you might one day have them? If someone said this to you, what would think they were? Gay? Straight? Something else?
I am so confused by this as he says he has being diagnosed with Hocd but all therapists say that means someone isn’t gay? I have also being diagnosed with Hocd and told it means I am not gay or bisexual. i am very confused by this. sorry to jump on your post
Hi silver hal0 hope you’re well, I am so confused by this as you once responded to me saying I have ocd and wasn’t Gay or bisexual. So can Hocd mean some is gay. so confused right now as my therapist said someone with hocd isn’t Gay. have I got this wrong
The term HOCD is not a recognized scientific or diagnostic name. Instead, it is more of a reference name or “title” that is used within the OCD community. It all is just OCD. This term defines the mental anguish that brings forward obsessive thoughts. It can make you test and have obsessive thoughts about possibly being gay and no answer satisfies your confusion. OCD is a mental condition and I reccomend seeing a specialist. Being gay is just sexual orientation. OCD does not cause people to be gay. They are not the same. Of course someone can be gay while having OCD, but OCD isn't what is causing being gay. Please seek professional help!
As previously mentioned, HOCD is not a diagnosis recognized in the DSM. There is only OCD. The symptoms the poster describes are consistent with OCD. There's no actual attraction to people of the same sex, but there's constant testing, and an obsessive thought that there must be some attraction, despite the lack of any credible evidence, hence the compulsion to constantly test. And the tiniest indication of anything that could support the false hypothesis is taken as truth, while, meantime, the overwhelming evidence pointing to the opposite is ignored. Again, this is a hallmark of OCD. OP, it would be strongly advisable for you to see a therapist specializing in OCD. One who does not have a specialty in this will not be well equipped to help you. Additionally, given the severity of what you describe, you may need medicaiton to manage the OCD symptoms. Talking about it in a message forum won't help much, as no matter what anyone tells you, you won't believe it. That's the nature of how OCD hijacks the brain. Please get professional help with this. It is very treatable.
OCD and being gay are not connected. Having OCD is something that needs treating with therapy. In most cases the gay thoughts are all related to the OCD and so once that is under control it is no longer an issue.
So in my situation, I married and enjoyed sex with her... but I will admit that it was not phenomenal. I just never had that primal, animal instinct when it comes to sex. I would say that "fraud" is not at all the correct word for this conundrum. I have confided with exactly two friends about my struggle and lack of sexuality. Mostly. There's details I will not discuss with anyone but a therapist (which was useless for me). When it comes to my other friends, I have been leaning on my "busy single dad" role to excuse my lack of partner. Now that my youngest is in college that mask is wearing thin.
disclaimer: This response isn't about yours or anyone else's specific situation, I'm speaking here in generalities because of mere curiosity. I'm also no expert on the subject, though I have done a small bit of my own research here as it pertains to my own sexual orientation. You brought up something that has had me wondering about sexual desire and drive, or lack of it, being attributed to ones orientation, as apposed to hormonal changes as a person ages. It's well known that sex drive, desire and lust are things that are driven, in part, by androgens as well as chemicals in the brain. We often read or hear stories where men or women's desire for their spouse, or the opposite/same sex, have shifted over time. Could this be because of biological changes rather than fluidity in orientation? I'm not saying or claiming that sexual orientation is determined by hormonal imbalances or changes, that's another thread topic in and of itself, I'm just wondering if the two are sometimes confused.
I often wonder about the hormonal aspect as well. I was that nerdy, artistic, bookworm kid who sucked at sports and spent most of his time buried in a book (or sketch pad). I couldn't run fast, couldn't catch a ball, and just generally sucked at sports. I suspect (and this is just a opinion) that perhaps during puberty I missed out on the physical activity that generates muscles, (I was scrawny up until my mid 20's) and thus set myself up for low testosterone. My sex drive began to wane in my 30's and by 37 I was clinically diagnosed with hypogonadism (it took 5 years of badgering my doctor to finally get tested). The doctors don't know WHY my body stopped producing testosterone, but it did. So then add into the mix a repressed, Catholic upbringing (sex is taboo!!!) and here I am, early 50's with a hormone therapy induced "sex drive" (yes, I lust and I masturbate) but when it comes to the act it feels foreign and gives me anxiety. When my marriage was dissolving, I went full-force with the Viagra and weed and jump-started the sex life (slightly) but by then she had moved on emotionally and the subsequent (lasting) depression killed whatever remnants of a sexual being I had left in me. So to address your hypothetical question; for ME, I believe that it was a complex mix of upbringing, trauma & biology that altered my sexual orientation to whatever mess it is now.
