Here I am, posting again. I've tried hard to enjoy 'gay stuff', I really have. But I never feel enough for other gay men. Gay men aren't supposed to look or act like me. They don't have the same interests or views. I'm not rich enough, experienced enough with sex or drugs, I don't drink enough, not knowledgeable enough about gay culture or history. I'll never be enough. I hate that I have no connections with anyone who isn't straight, although my straight friends and colleagues are more accepting of me than any queer people I've met. I don't know why I made this post. I suppose after a failed attempt at enjoying dating. I still can't seem to find anyone attractive, apart from straight men (the sensitive, 'is he gay?'-types, NOT the typical masculine guys). Guys who will never return my attraction. Why are other gay men so cold to me? I don't know what to talk to them about anyway. Maybe they're put off because they think I'm too desperate to be friends? Maybe I'm too old at 29. Maybe I'm not cool enough. How can I signal that I'm gay to someone at work who I think might be, who I'd like to be friends with. I'm sorry this is a ramble. I don't want to live the rest of my life alone, terrified of relationships and intimacy.
If you're too old at 29 them I'm fucked at 34. ''Gay men aren't supposed to look or act like me. They don't have the same interests or views. I'm not rich enough, experienced enough with sex or drugs, I don't drink enough, not knowledgeable enough about gay culture or history. I'll never be enough.'' Can to expand further on that because from my perspective that can also apply to non-gay individuals, people are different from different views, interests, looks and so on. ''Why are other gay men so cold to me?'' People can be total pricks to be honest mate, sometimes that's how the dice roll. ''How can I signal that I'm gay to someone at work who I think might be, who I'd like to be friends with.'' I'm inexperienced with dating but what I would try is being subtle about an interest or view and try to gauge their response.
I'm 31 year old, virgin, transgender and never been in a relationship, though been through heartbreaks. In this case I'm even more in trouble. I think most of us do none of these things, most of us aren't rich either. I live from month to month and I know other lgbt+ people that do. I barely know much about the lgbt+ history or culture. Most I know comes from the comic books. I only drink at special occasions. Never done drugs and you shouldn't do them at all. Now I wonder what kind of crowds you hang out with. You just haven't met the right person yet and you will. Be who you are and everything will work out, though sometimes they don't work out or are impossible to work out to begin with, but you should never give up hope and keep thriving. And I think @FireFox recommendation on being subtle and trying to gauge the response is a good one. Maybe you can invite him to have lunch together and chat to find out more about him.
You should meet my brother, Lottaotter! He's the straightest gay man on the planet. Doesn't have a clue about gay culture or history. Hilariously, one year on a Saturday in late June he and his partner met me for a meal in the centre of town. He expressed surprise that there were loads of scantily-clad, 'out'-looking, obviously queer people prancing around Soho. He had no idea that it was Pride weekend. Anyway, you're comparing again!! Lottaotter - you are good enough. You don't have to fit in to some preconceived idea of what a gay 'lifestyle' constitutes. Just be yourself. That should be enough. How about just be friendly with him as you would do with anyone? If conversation heads that way then of course casually slip it in. Whatever, don't go in with massive expectations. If a friendship emerges out of it, fantastic. If it doesn't, well, it's not the end of the world. Beth xx
As someone who just came out a year ago and is turning 50 this year, I am going to get on an airplane, fly to the UK, and smack you upside the head repeatedly. Since I have spent most of my life living as a "straight" person (and not doing a very good job at it) I feel so out of touch with the LGBTQ community (to the point that I don't even know if I can claim membership), yet I don't relate all that well to heteronormative stuff either. Yet, here I am joining an LGBTQ group and going out to social events, I am also trying to meet people in the dating realm as well. While I do have a better handle on gay history and gay culture, I am still educating myself. Maybe you aren't cool enough by some people's standards, but neither are almost 50-year-old, suburban fathers of three, who spend their weekend evenings watching Marvel movies or TV shows on the Smithsonian Channel. But, for some people you will be just the kind of person they want to be with. No matter what, you are enough just as you are. If someone has an issue with who you are fuck 'em. Literally or figuratively, your choice.
Hey I'm glad you vented here as you should always feel free to do and lots of great replies already so your struggle is quite relatable. I'm sorry you're feeling bummed out again with the very real frustrations of trying to socialize, but you're trying which is big imo. Maybe take a break from it this week and focus on work, eat well, exercise, sleep and enjoy your fave shows and music or whatever usually cheers you up some? Talk to the guy at work more to see what he's like. If he seems chill after a while and maybe common interests, see if he wants to go for lunch or tea or whatever. If you weren't sure about asking him to lunch, you could offer to pick up something for him if you're going out to get food or a snack. If it sounds good to him he might offer to go with you or his positive reply might give you the spark to ask him. At the very least I hope he can be a good work friend as that makes it better. Hang in there buddy and wish I was your work friend!
Thank you @FireFox , @Rayland , @chicodeoro , @bsg75apollo and @mnguy . I will reply all in one, which seems a bit lazy... It feels better to have had a rant. I am seeing my friends from my hometown next week, who are all straight, so maybe I won't feel the need to appear to have lots of 'quirky' and 'interesting' queer people in my life as much once I've been with them for a few days. I don't have a huge social circle, and none at all in the city I live in now (my one friend is ignoring me [and everyone else] now she is in a relationship). I came to the realisation lately that it wasn't that I was lonely, but that I wanted to be seen to have lots and lots of friends. It was such a big goal of mine last year to inject myself into the gay community here (which is very visible and vocal) that I felt like I'd failed, when maybe instead I just didn't enjoy it. I have come across a few things like that recently- things I thought I 'should' push myself to do because I thought I was scared... when actually they're just things I don't have an interest in. With the guy at work, I'll just try to be more chatty with him. I don't even know if he's gay yet. I am not going to make the mistake of asking out a straight guy again like I did once last year! I am certain he doesn't know I'm gay either. If it comes to it I can go down the route of wearing a small pride flag, maybe it'll make me more visible to other people at work too. Maybe it'll help someone else see that not all gay people fit the mould! Thanks again everyone
I’m 23 and came out four years ago. But I’m still learning how to navigate that space too. So I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone.
The only criteria in order to be a gay man is to be a man attracted to other men--that's literally it. I know what you mean, though; there's this pressure to conform to a certain stereotype, a certain culture of ideas, beliefs, mannerisms, etc. that it can feel incredibly isolating when none of those things mesh with your natural interests/behaviours. I'm glad you're coming to realize you don't need to do what other gay men do, dress how they dress, talk how they talk, or engage in the same hobbies/self-destructive habits. You are your own person, first and foremost; your sexual orientation is merely incidental (even if it does have a major impact on how you experience love and life).
