Sorry this is long: took a lot for me to get here, but I’ve been reading all of these stories and advice to try and figure my own stuff out. I’m biologically male. Since I was a little kid, I always wanted to have a woman’s body. As a kid, I tried on shoes, some clothes and underwear and it always felt good. Even to this day I prefer form fitting clothes. When I got to puberty, I was jealous at times of my friends that got to develop female bodies. I never hated being a man, I dated girls and genuinely was attracted to them, however, but there were times my body parts aggravated me. I’ve never been able to shake the feeling that I am a female in some way. I’ve also never been able to shake the desire to have a female body. I am a very sensitive person, but I hide it. I think I have some natural feminine characteristics and some male as well. I have hidden those characteristics at times due to societal norms. I get along with both guys and girls really well, and I’ve been attracted to women my whole life. I’ve dressed up as female before, but never totally (no makeup, just clothes). The one or two times I did, it felt great. i keep having this urge to be a female, and I don’t know why, or what is wrong with me, if anything at all. There’s lots of “guy” stuff I like to do as well. I don’t want to be with men. . I have a desire to look female and be female but I’m terrified and horrible ashamed. Im confused because I don’t hate my body and I don’t loathe being a male, but it’s not my favorite. Over the last few years, I’ve given thought to the fact that I may be trans, and there are times that I think I am, and others where I don’t feel that way at all. I’ve gotten along well with my own gender incredibly well, but there are times where I “just didn’t get it” and was trying to be something I was not or could not. Doesn’t happen all the time, but it has. Maybe that’s more normal than I think. It’s something that I think about very often now, and I have for a long time (since I was about 8). I don’t know what this means, if it means anything at all. thank you for reading this and for any advice you can offer.
Hello and welcome to the EC! there is nothing wrong with you. I was scared and ashamed too, when I first discovered it, but it's alright. It will get better, when you figure it out. If you feel happy with being referred as a female rather than male, then I'd say there are big possibility of you being trans, but of course I can't tell you what you are or are not. You can't deny it either as much as you try. You will figure it out eventually. Take baby steps and do your research and experiment as much as you can. I like to do this introduction, so maybe you've already read it, but here it is anyway: I am biologically female. I came out to myself at my 30th birthday. It has been almost 2 years. I have known I was different since kindergarten, but I didn't know how to put these feelings into words and feared peoples reaction, if I acted differently, so I stayed in denial. I stayed in this box society had formed. When I came out to myself it all hit me pretty hard. I was terrified, because when I looked into mirror, then I saw my true self stuck inside my female shell. My body had became a prison to me. I was shaking inside and I cried a lot. I started doing research online to give these feelings a name and then I discovered EC. By talking others and reading other peoples stories made me trace all of my experiences way back to kindergarten and it felt like all the puzzle pieces fell into place. The me who was lost had gained an identity. The fog was lifted and I experienced euphoria, like I had never experienced before. There has been lots of doubting and self denying. At the beginning I tried to deny all of it again, because of my environment. My country is conservative and people here value traditional beliefs. My own father is a homophobe too and he said therapy is pointless, but I go to therapy anyway, because it has helped me. Because of it all I haven't felt safe to come out yet. I have told my best friend and luckily she was fine with it. I told her through email and that took a lot of courage. It all has given me pretty bad depression and anxiety. I am seeing a psychiatrist regularly and am on medication that helps with my anxiety and panic attacks. I also get dysphoria and it makes me very emotional, so I just try to distract myself. I do have plans of coming out eventually, but first I need to let go all of my fears. My dysphoria wasn't clear at all at first, because I didn't understand what was going on at all and didn't felt real disgust to my body parts either. I just experienced euphoria, but neither euphoria or dysphoria is required. You just have to feel it, that things don't match up. I hope I helped, but don't be afraid to ask any questions. It all can be scary and confusing. Rain
Rocksalt233.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. I'm sure that you have watched trans youtubers...but just in case, here are some favorites of mine that you might like: MtF: Victoria Rose, Riley J. Dennis Renna Williams, Alexamarilla, Robin jaspers. Some info on how to navigate EC: When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can always send me a Private Message. .....David
