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Feeling delusional

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by redstatic, Jan 29, 2023.

  1. redstatic

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    This is a bit of a vent.

    Ftm, pre t, 20

    Ok, having that out of the way: ever since accepting medically transitioning as a need, it's like my brain is continuously tricking me into seeing myself as fully male, regardless of the fact that my body is female. It's like living two realities, and it's overwhelming. I can't not see myself as male. It's fucking weird. I am aware of my physical situation, but unless I'm forced to face it, my brain just filters my appearance and behaviour as strictly male, while my physical form is kinda ignored. And even if I look at myself, I can't not see a guy, and can't understand how others look at me and see a girl. I don't know what to make of this, I genuinely feel like I'm crazy.

    This has happened before, but now it's a constant.

    Someone please tell me I'm not going insane lmfao

    -Tudor
     
  2. Rayland

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    You're not going insane. In the beginning I actually felt, like I had two people in me. One who I really am in my mind and one who I present myself as others. It will get better. The more you get in tune with yourself. It's maybe a bit hard to me to explain well, but it will get better.
     
  3. TheLittleEnby

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    your not going insane:gay_pride_flag:, there are labels for that, its a gender expression thing.
     
  4. redstatic

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    It actually does feel like this. And the guy self from within is scratching and biting because no one sees him, even though he's right there. Like, he's not even hiding. It's like I'm invisible because of this stupid physical self that i need to drag around wherever I go
     
  5. Rayland

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    Yeah. And the guy wants to get out, but you can do little things to make him happy.

    I came up with a fantasy for myself, though it's based on how I felt. The guy who I am is a prisoner and the one who is presenting as myself is keeping me locked up, but even though there is still hope, even if I'm locked up. I can influence my guard. I control the body, not the other way around. I am who I am. I can make my wishes known and the one who is presenting is hearing that inner voice and becomes a little bit more, like I like it a little bit in tune with me, so I can break out. Sounds a bit crazy, but this is my plot anyway and it has kinda helped.
     
  6. redstatic

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    Ahh, that's really nice :slight_smile: I'm glad you managed to put a more positive spin on a not ideal situation. Maybe I can adapt that to fit with myself, it might help a lot. At the very least, it will help more than the way I envision my situation now: a ghost, inhabiting a body that doesn't reflect who he is.

    This really helped, thank you!
     
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  7. Rayland

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    I'm glad and good luck. And it really does get better. Hugs.
     
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