1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

My traumas

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by Rayland, Jan 18, 2023.

  1. TinyWerewolf

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 1, 2021
    Messages:
    754
    Likes Received:
    489
    Location:
    Rural USA
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Hey Rain, I know I'm late to this thread. I've been wanting to say something but didn't know quite what to say. Except for these three things: the trauma you have experienced is not your fault, being trans isn't your punishment for that, and I'm proud of you for all the progress you've made. Things are hard in the transition process, especially in Estonia- but you will get there I have no doubt. You are a man, and that will just make others see that too. That's the life you were meant to have if you ask me- one as a man. I'd tell you to reach out and grab that life you want, but you're already doing it. :slight_smile:

    About your family though, especially your grandma, you can't help how they react and they could surprise you. I know how much you love them all, but don't make excuses for them. I have problems with that too, so that's rich coming from me, but you're the one who controls you.
     
    chicodeoro, mnguy and Rayland like this.
  2. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    2,112
    Likes Received:
    1,586
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you. I'm trying. I know they might surprise me. I will tell them eventually, but I want a little bit of security first. At least neither of us is alone in this and it offers me a lot of comfort too. Hugs.

    I will try and not make excuses anymore. I just tried to explain my side though and not make the excuses, but it just didn't turn out well. I will try to stop that and think of my own well being more.
     
    TinyWerewolf likes this.
  3. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,175
    Likes Received:
    2,348
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Rain & All.....There are so many sides to looking at your family...good vs. bad and everything in between. I did not have a happy childhood as I mentioned in other posts. I've no memory of a favorite meal that my mom cooked, no memory of favorite toy that I played with, etc. No best friends at least until the seventh grade. What I do remember about the boys in my neighborhood was how much they bullied me. I've never mentioned this before, but there was a time when I was in the 6th grade (about 11 years old) that I had reached a breaking point and took a rifle out in our back pasture where we kept the cows and focused in on the one boy who tortured me the most...the rifle had a scope so I was not going to miss. I couldn't take my anger out on my parents, but I could take it out on him...what made it worse was he and I had the same first name. Fortunately I couldn't focus the rife through the tears that I was crying and that gave me time to think that what I was going to do was very, very wrong. I put the rifle away, but I kept the bullet for a very long time. It took me many years to understand that my family and that boy where actually much worse off than I was. My step-father was verbally abusive and I grew to hate him quite quickly. I wanted to be with my real father, not him. However, after five or six years of my biological never making an effort to come see me, call me on the phone or even send me a birthday card, I figured out the he didn't care much either. I came to the conclusion that I was the only one who was going to take care of myself. I also decided that I would marry and have a family and show my children what a real, loving father was like. This was before I realized that I was gay, although that actually had nothing to do with it. I've rambled on about all of this to make a point that we all don't have a wonderfully accepting family....a family that completely accepts their son when they drop a bomb on you by saying "Guess what dad I'm Pansexual" My middle son did that to me! Of course this was an unusual situation as I was able to not only accept him and hug him, but I was also able to come out to him as gay at the same time! Now that I am a "senior citizen"...I really dislike that term! :old_frown: I can look back and see the problems that my mom and step-dad had to deal with. I always knew that we were not rich, now I realize just how poor we really were, how little we had. I feel a lot less angry about having to work everyday after school and never being able to play sports. I'm not saying that all parents are justified in treating their children like slaves, but maybe my mother didn't cook meals to be remembered because there just wasn't much to make the meals with. I hated getting up at 5 am to milk the cow.... then use the separator to spin the cream off the milk...and then shake the cream to get the butter. Because now I understand that if I didn't do that there would not have been any milk, cream or butter. I have forgiven my step-father for his verbal abuse. It was horrible...but in its' own way it made me become the scholar that I am to spite him. I guess you can say that there are always more than one side to things and we can become better persons if we can look for the other side of the things that seem to be terrible to us.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    #23 quebec, Jan 27, 2023
    Last edited: Jan 28, 2023
    mnguy and Rayland like this.
  4. quebec

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 25, 2014
    Messages:
    4,175
    Likes Received:
    2,348
    Location:
    U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Traumas again..... I'm sorry that I was so negative last night. I had several quite bad days in a row and I can sometimes get negative if I'm not careful. In the end, it really is up to us individually how we live our lives and how we act towards others. We have to make our own choices and we cannot blame everything on our parents/lack of parents/being poor/etc. There's no doubt that we sometimes need to reach out for help...goodness, I've said that so many times here on Empty Closets! So in the end we have to make our own choices. If what we are dealing with is just too much to bear, then we need to find someone who can help us...a friend, a therapist or a parent if that is what works best. One of the wonderful things about Empty Closets is the ability to "talk" to others that have gone through the same kind of things that we are fighting in our own lives. I cannot even guess at the number of times the wonderful folks here on EC have helped me! So I'll try to be a little less negative and hope that anybody who reads this will understand that no matter our background, there is a path to a better life. We just need to remember, it's rarely a solo trip!
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
    mnguy likes this.
  5. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    2,112
    Likes Received:
    1,586
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Thank you for sharing your story. Actually you said a lot of the things I was thinking about, but couldn't properly explain it.

    You ended it on a positive note too:

    At first I had no idea what victimizing means, so I was confused what people wanted from me, but I now I understand it all better.
     
  6. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    2,112
    Likes Received:
    1,586
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I've told about it all to my therapist and working things through, but this whole family drama left me feel bad. My therapist didn't see that I'm victimizing at all.

    I will no longer discuss about my family. I know it can be a sensitive topic for many, so this is why. It's not a great option for me, because there are times I do need to vent, otherwise I would just go nuts and would bottle everything in and this have been the only safe place for me where I've been comfortable venting and it has helped me analyze my own feelings better, if you don't count therapy, but this is for the best. This is all I wanted to say.

    I will be taking a two week break. One, because I have a week of winter break left, what I'm going to use it to focus on my mental health and second week I can focus on university. I will be on break from 02.02.2023 until 15.02.2023.

    I hope you all stay safe and be well. Love you all. Hugs.
     
  7. zuice

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 9, 2015
    Messages:
    147
    Likes Received:
    30
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Not out at all
    Thank you for sharing your traumas. I have had traumas in my life, but don't reflect upon them. Now, I will review my traumas for healing myself.
     
    Rayland likes this.
  8. Rayland

    Moderator Full Member

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2021
    Messages:
    2,112
    Likes Received:
    1,586
    Location:
    Estonia
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I'm happy, if this all is helpful.

    I just hope I didn't cause anyone to have too many bad memories to get resurfaced. I just needed to talk about it all, because I never analyzed or reflected about myself either.

    Aftermath:

    Talking about your traumas really helps and I encourage everyone to do it, if it helps you anyway at all. It's not good to bottle things up and in the long run it just destroys your mental health further.

    Now I feel relieved about it all. I feel so much lighter, so thank you all for putting up with me. Beside your physical health also take care of your mental health. It's more important than you may think.
     
    mnguy likes this.