Hello My name is Brigitta. I’m a (closeted) trans-woman in my mid 30-ties on a journey to set my life straight and be who I am… But old habits die hard and decades of desperately trying to conform to other’s expectations, self-doubt and loathing most unfortunately get in the way all too often. The whole story started in early childhood, when around the age of 5 I realised that there is something different in me than in other boys of that age, something which made it very hard for me to fit into their company, more often then not, I found myself amongst girls - and it felt right. Later, however, much has changed. When I was 8, my father left and a year later, mother married another man. When I was 10, they decided that it is time to begin to raise me as a proper manly man that I was supposed to be, according to them… Needless to say, it didn’t go well. Despite my best efforts to conform to their wishes and standards, it was essentially an act I had to put on in order to avoid punishment. During school years I have mostly learned to keep my feminity hidden, but still I was effeminate in both behaviour and appearance, which led to being bullied and harassed in school on a regular basis, up until high school. Eventually, those experiences have led me to believe that there is something fundamentally wrong with me, that I shouldn’t be like that, that I should strive hard to be a classic ideal of masculinity, which led to quite a lot of poor decisions being made, luckily most of them didn’t have lasting consequences. Fast forward to 2019, just before the covid pandemic, one day at work I was absent-mindedly browsing a local news website, stumbling upon an interview with a transwoman, who was widely known after participating in a makeover TV show. Reading her story I couldn’t help but to notice similarities with my own… And suddenly every piece of the puzzle started to gently fall into place. I realised that there was nothing wrong with me in the first place, I was just a woman in a man’s body, not a pervert or [insert your favourite slur]. So began the long and turbulent journey towards self-acceptance, countless nights spent researching every single article I could find on the topic and lurking on various forums. Recently, I also started visiting a therapist, who has suggested that I should try and find a safe place to communicate with like-minded people, so here I am. Sorry for the long post and thanks for reading
brigitta.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. In particular you may want to check out the forum that is titled "Gender Identity and Expression”, there are people there who have dealt with some of the same kind of issues that could be challenging you. *****When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message. .....David
Hello and welcome to the EC! I realized everything when I turned 30 on my birthday too and it was like a lightswitch went off and I known since early childhood, just never knew how to put it all into words. Whenever you need any advice, then my PM's are open.
Thank you so much I’ve realised it pretty early on, but I spent years in futile attempts to change and be “normal”, until one day I finally gave up on that useless endeavour.
You're very welcome. Yeah. You can't really deny who you are, even if you try. I tried since kindergarten. Now I'm slowly taking baby steps to get there.
