I apologize for not being able to contribute more over the last couple weeks... kind of having a hard time taking care of myself. I'm not completely distressed today, so I can finally write about this with a clear head. Over the summer I was having another rough patch, and I finally realized what connected all of my bad feelings, thoughts, and choices together: That I don't feel like anyone loves or cares about me. I started calling it the "big problem," because once I identified it, I couldn't help but see it in every aspect of my life. (To be clear, I am NOT trying to hoard internet sympathy, I'm trying to figure this out once and for all.) The only way I can describe it is just this feeling of constantly being stuck in place, paralyzed. It's been this way for the last 4 years. I can't go to bed, can't get out of bed, can't eat, can't stop eating, can't get off the internet, can't go to work, can't leave work.... I am constantly STUCK doing whatever it is I'm doing that keeps me comfortable, but not happy or well. Nothing I believe that people would probably label this as depression / clinical depression, but I really don't feel it applies to me: I think I have very good reasons to feel the way that I do given the things I've experienced. For these reasons I also don't think I would respond well to medication or therapy. I don't think that can "solve" whatever the real issue is. I do meditate, but it's often hard for me to just sit down and start, because of what I described above. The "big problem" ultimately seems like it's a spiritual issue, but I have no idea how other people who have gone through the same thing handle it. The worst thing right now is that I want to reach out to my ex-boyfriend, because he was the only one who made me feel loved, even though I think it would be selfish and manipulative for me to do so. I really don't want to drag him down too, although I am worried about how he made out after we broke up, and really want to check up on him. I hope this isn't inappropriate to ask for help here, but I don't know where else to turn. I feel like I can't do anything without this love. If anybody out there has been through this, or can help me, please.
I feel very similar to you, generally. I crave love and affection more than almost anything. I'd rather wake up next to someone who loves and cares for me than winning the lottery - some people have told me I'm dramatic etc but that's just my preference. I don't think much can beat a loving relationship, personally, although I haven't had much luck with those and it's debatable how healthy my mindset is about all this. But I wanted to write that to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this kind of way about things. I'm in contact with my ex. It's not easy, but he's one of my closest friends and he provides a lot of emotional support. He's in a committed relationship now, which is hard because some of my feelings haven't gone away and will never go away. But I get more from him being in my life as a friend than him not being in my life at all, at this point in my life anyway. And I get how you feel with the medication and therapy. Personally therapy has helped me, although due to the cost I'm not in therapy right now. Medication has never really helped me, although for people who have clinical diagnoses it can help if taken under the supervision of a psychiatrist or doctor. Keep posting here for starters. I've made friends and had questions answered on here by people who have literally kept me going this year. Even just venting and asking for reassurance can help in my opinion. So even by posting you're doing the right thing. Also just wanted to add - never apologise for not contributing enough or whatever. Nobody expects you to and if you can, that's a bonus. I always appreciate your thoughtful posts and questions on here anyway even when you're not actively giving advice, it helps me know I'm not alone in some of the ways I feel about the world, so even by posting today you've helped me too without realising. A couple of things I would say though - I care. Others on here care. People DO care about you even if it might not be obvious all the time. Also, love is great and amazing and all those things, but despite what I've said - it's extremely advantageous if you can live if not happily but contented in your own company too. While nobody is ever perfect and I don't agree with people who say "work on yourself" indefinitely before you get to that better place, depending on love alone to see us through isn't a sustainable way to be unfortunately. While you can certainly keep looking and being open to love, you must love yourself too. As cheesy as that sounds.
Thanks Cinnamoon, I really appreciate it, I've been thinking about your post all week. I really appreciate all your posts elsewhere too. It's tough because I know people care, I know people on here care, and even if my family situation is less than ideal, I have a couple of lifelong friends that quite frankly, I probably love more than anyone in my family. But I liken it to a broken radio receiver--- at this point, people can transmit their love all they want, but I have no way of receiving it, of feeling it. It's very strange to me. I think it's because so many people already have broken their trust to me. What you said about loving yourself isn't cheesy; Heck, I may have already given similar advice to other people at some point. But it just feels like I need some sort of baseline now to even function. When I was dating a couple months ago, I could feel myself slowly becoming a normal, functional person, but it's gone now. It's like, how would I be able to lend somebody money if I was never given any? How am I supposed to love myself if I was never given any? If I don't have any? And I know, intellectually, that's not true, but right now I just can't feel anything else. Thanks again for listening.
I wouldn’t think of therapy as a solution to your “problems,” big or small, but more of something that can help point you in a direction for solving them on your own. Self diagnosis can be incredibly validating, too, but working with someone with experience in the field can also be really exciting—and provide a lot of useful tools. I know for me, finding out about ADHD really helped me unpack a lot of the stuff you’re describing in your post. I still struggle with that stuff a lot—even though I’ve managed to carve out a life for myself around it—but it’s there. Some days worse than others. Some days so bad it is almost unbearable. I’m going through some severe burnout right now, actually. You may have ADHD or you may be dealing with something similar or something else entirely—but there’s an underlying factor that’s contributing to your symptoms and it’s an unknown right now. You may find that having an official term, something beyond “the big problem,” can provide a useful framework for understanding your own inner workings. It may also help you to feel less isolated learning about people who are experiencing very similar things to what you are. It probably won’t be a panacea—I’m not even sure if such a thing exists—but it may be incredibly comforting.
Oh jeez, thank you so much for this thatasher... that was really good to read. I hope you can get some rest and make it through your burnout! It's really interesting that you can relate to my experiences with your diagnosis. I just typed in "ADHD" online and read a really quick blurb that also kind of describes me rather well. It's funny (funny?)-- I never really thought about ADHD until recently, when I saw some memes about ADHD online, and I thought, "Hey, I know what that's like!" I've just never physically been a "hyperactive" person though. I have almost no energy at all these days, so I wouldn't really think it's that. I just really don't know. Maybe you're right, maybe I should check in with someone professionally in that case then. I read so many things online that I relate to... but if I were to believe them all, I would have ADHD, major depression, bipolar disorder, and who knows what else... I just can't imagine. I mean, for the most part, I am a functional person in polite company, I'm just kind of constantly falling apart behind the scenes. Thank you again for this-- What you said about therapy has been really eye opening for me. I've always been very doubtful of therapy or medicine, but you've given me a new way to at least just think about it a little more.
There are a lot of stereotypes about what ADHD is, and the biggest one is probably that people with ADHD are hyperactive all the time. It’s actually the opposite. One of the biggest symptoms of ADHD is fatigue/burnout, and it’s brutal. ADHD also includes a lot of mental paralyses that makes life really hard. In my case, it can be the smallest stuff that feels impossible. My roommate and I were just talking about this because he doesn’t understand why simple things can actually be really difficult for me. Like…I’ll sit next to a phone charger until my phone is almost dead and not charge it…because I don’t even know why! Usually, it’s because I become hyper focused on a task — even if it’s just a random internet rabbit hole — and I feel like I literally can’t do do anything else. Now you may be dealing with something completely different. That’s why I think a therapist would really help. You may find out you’re dealing with something you never would have considered because you didn’t know enough about it or saw it reduced/simplified online or in movies. Food for thought!
