I am having a bit of anxiety tonight as thoughts are rolling around my head. I figured that putting pen to paper or fingers to keyboard as the case may be to get it out of the head and this is certainly the place to go since people will understand. I only came out in April after so many years of being married and having kids and being just another boring suburbanite. I can't even say that I didn't know who I am or that I was in denial. It would be so much easier to say that. In reality it all came down to fear. Fear of not living up to what I thought were other people's expectations and fear of violence. I was a kid in the earliest days of the AIDS epidemic and saw on the news the reactions of politicians, pundits, and preachers. I saw the reports of the cruelest treatment of a child like Ryan White (if you don't know who that is, look him up and learn your history kids), and the violence against people like Matthew Shepherd or Brandon Teena. It was safer to pretend to be straight and not be yourself. You weren't about to be killed by someone else's hand. You might blow out your cardiac system by doing it, but that's another tale. I feel like I decided to come out, but have had the worst timing with the political environment and now with what happened in Colorado Springs. I feel like I have put myself in the crosshairs, literally and figuatively.
Yes, I know exactly what you mean, bsg75apollo. When I had my gender revelation back in Spring 2020, after the fear/euphoria temporarily subsided my reaction was 'oh sh**, this now means I'm on the frontline of the culture war...' Beth
I know too, this all is a big part of why I haven't felt safe at all, with coming out. All of this going on. Being in a conservative country with outdated procedures regarding transgender people here. War happening right next to my country. All the awful news and comments. It all terrifies me. Only place I haven't felt anxious or scared is, when I'm at my therapist. I'm trying not to concentrate on all the bad things (I will still be aware of things happening), but see hope for the future and give my part in order to educate others about it, even though I'm scared, what I have taken as my goal to help create a better future for us all. Every little step counts.
Still cant believe that happend I might be in a straight passing relationship since im married to a women but I am still concerned and scared for my safety I been on YouTube watching the Colorado event on different stations and the comment sections are absolutely sick and disgusting.
I'm affraid and anxious too, there's a lot of people I haven't come out to because of that. I have saw and heard so many homophobic stuff in my middle school, now I am completely paranoïd, affraid of what can happen to me at any time. I feel like anybody can be an ennemy and if I havent' got any problem yet it's just because I'm not out to everyone. I wonder if I will be killed if I openly love girl in the future. I really hope that things are going to get better. I don't want to live in fear and I don't want to live in a place where my existance is political.
I'm afraid our existence is political. It's naive to think we can avoid it. I mean, politics is part of life anyway. But in a wider sense in that there is a massive long term shift happening worldwide from a human society in which white cis men hold all the power to one where that power is more widely dispersed amongst all of us. The right wing backlash which some denote as 'populism' (I refute that term because quite often these populists aren't actually that popular) is part of this and - like it or not - it's going to be part of our lives for quite some time, for a generation at least I'd say. In time we will win. Why? Because the demographics are on our side. In the meantime how should we conduct ourselves? Without fear, by living as out as we possibly can be, with pride in who we are and by not apologising for who we are. Beth x
Your fear is understandable, given both the environment/time period you grew up in, and the current climate in certain areas. But I think it's also important not to dwell on that fear; we can't live our lives in a constant state of hypervigilance--it's harmful to both the body and the mind. By all means, of course be cautious and alert regarding your sexuality in public places, but don't let that fear rule you. We're meant to live, not to just simply exist.
I hope you feel better and find safe people in your area. Are you in some gay groups, PFLAG or others that have progressive people in them? You've come so far and will keep making progress I think. I didn't have the cover of a family and no one really cared or targeted me, so who knows, dumb luck and probability?
As as matter of fact, I just joined a social group and went to one of their mixers. The next one is on the 10th. It is having the opposite effect on me. I'm trying to live more openly. Fortunately, I live in a major city that's not in the Bible Belt.
You are not alone. I also grew up in the beginning of the AIDS era and it was scary to say the least. Everyone dying had a big impact on my decision to stay in the closet. Hell I think I even put extra locks on the closet door to keep me in. I came out as Bi in 2015 to my wife because I do finally feel safer. But now that I came to the realization that I'm gay, it's a but scary again. I live in a different State than 99.9% of all my family so I don't really hide who I am when I'm in public anymore. But my orientation can be more obvious now and I've gotten some threatening looks etc based on what I'm wearing or acting. It can be intimidating for sure. I've had to just leave a couple places because I just didn't feel comfortable. Some of what I'm feeling I'm sure is from being newly out though. But when mass murders of LGBT+ people happen it's heart wrenching and scary. Makes me not want to go to places where there are large crowds. I live in Idaho which is a horrible place to be gay, I'm still married though so that "cover" is still there. I just hate using any cover at this point in life I just want to be me and live like I did when I presented publicly as straight.
