I'm back from a brief hiatus, I hope I haven't missed anyones messages or notifications. I'm still catching up with everyone. I was hoping the next time I posted here I would have something more positive to share. At the end of the summer I had my first date (ever) at 29 years old, my first kiss, my first boyfriend. I had finally asked out a guy I kept seeing while I was out jogging. We fell pretty hard for each other, spent a lot of time together. Polar opposites, but it worked, at least for a little while. I eventually broke it off after 3 weeks when we had a conflict, and I thought the way he was communicating was unhealthy. Maybe not toxic, but at the very least immature / passive aggressive. That was almost 2 months ago. And I'm still crushed. He hasn't messaged since, and he was a constant texter. I've wanted to text him almost every single day. Every time I think I'm feeling better, I go back to feeling like shit. For a couple weeks after, I had slipped back into a lot of "old routines" that rear their ugly head every few years: a lot of very hateful, anti-gay thoughts and feelings. Exercising to an unhealthy degree, lots of heavy metal music.. I almost started drinking again. I enjoy being angry (even though I don't like it) because it gives my life purpose and direction: It's better than being sad. I'm painfully aware of all these things, and yet I feel powerless to stop it. Right now, I'm back to sadness. I was supposed to spend Tuesday applying for new jobs, but I couldn't even bother. Because when I think about what I want for my future, all I can think about is how I just want to get back together and make things work. I feel like I'm trending towards something like codependency-- that I feel like I absolutely NEED this person. The last week we were dating, this incredible weight was lifting. I was happier, taking care of myself better, stopped stressing out about little things. Because I felt LOVED, for the first time since I was a very young child. And now it's gone. My parents kept up a codependent relationship for 30 years. I swore I would never be "dumb" enough to make that same mistake, and yet here I am. I've had this issue for several years of feeling unloved, unwell, but now it's becoming even more acute. Nothing is making me feel good right now. Work, exercise, meditation, overeating, pills.. nothing is working right now, and it's starting to become unsettling. I don't think there's anything that can be said here that will help me, but if you've read all this, from the bottom of my heart: THANK YOU.
I've felt similar in different ways. I fell hard for a guy earlier this year and could barely sleep thinking about him for literally months. And when I was in a relationship for a couple of years, I became very dependent on him to the point where I didn't speak to anyone outside my family for almost a year after we broke up. Although maybe we feel and deal with pain in different ways, I can definitely understand how you're feeling and I'm sorry for it. All I would say is self care is vital. Self love, as much as you can muster, is vital. The way you felt with this guy, you'd be able to feel the same way with another. But if you don't feel love for yourself, then relationships will be tough. A relationship should be a bonus to your life, but not your sole focus and purpose. It's important to live for you too. So apply for those jobs, even just one per day if that's all you feel up to. Do things you enjoy, even if you have to force yourself to do them. Keep posting here, keep talking to people who'll listen. Be upset, be emotional, as long as you keep on going which is the most important thing you can do.
Hey, hugs. I wanted to ask you, since you said you tried everything and don't remember, if you've mentioned it or not before, but have you ever tried seeing a therapist/psyhologist about it? They could give you more ideas on how to help yourself with the codependency and I have felt that talking about my worries often help me to analize myself better and come up with solutions in order to heal.
I'm sorry you're feeling so horrible. I think it's normal to feel better when you have good social connections, like you did with him for a while and your brain/body wants more of the endorphins to feel better? I hope until your sadness eases that your family/friends will be supportive. The quote about anger jumped out at me. I know what you mean and I think is very human for anger to "feel better" than sadness, fear, apprehension and such. Anger can be used for good, like standing up against injustice, discrimination, protecting self and others. Then again people can think they're doing good with their anger, like an armed attempt to overturn fair elections, so who knows. I predict you'll claw your way out of depression and try again with another guy. You did it once so it is possible. Apparently finding compatible guys is not easy so you have to be willing to endure this pain over and over. It's all too much for me so I've given up, but that's what I've heard.
It sounds like what you are going through regarding your boyfriend is pretty normal. You're still very new at the whole dating/romance game, so my recommendation would be to really examine why you think you want to get back together (after you broke up with him), and if you honestly conclude that it's because you made a mistake (and not just longing for something that had become intense but possibly unhealthy) then reach out to him and tell him about it. If he doesn't reciprocate, then let it go and put yourself out there to meet and date other guys (maybe via a dating website).
Thank you all so much! I've been feeling a little bit better the last couple days. Got a good thing going on with exercise and it's finally starting to help. Thanks Cinnamoon... it's something I've known, intellectually, for a while now, but I can't put it into practice, that "self love." (Don't really like the term, but I don't know what else to call it!) Best I can do is not being completely crappy to me. I used to have a much more adversarial self-relationship, it's quieted down a bit in recent years. No, I have not. There were a couple of points last year where I was seriously becoming less functional for a variety of reasons (not wanting to get up, difficulty working, not eating, not showering) and I was starting to seriously research getting help, but that realization was enough of a wake up call that I was not doing enough to work on my problems, and I finally started tackling some of them. It's actually why I came back to Empty Closets! Thank you for the kind words. Totally agree with what you said about anger. If I was in my early twenties NOW, I can't imagine the dumb sh*t I'd be doing, with everything going on right now. I certainly hope I can get out of the depression, although I am not convinced. I will say this about our journeys: I had actually given up the whole idea of having a relationship, when this person quite randomly came into my life. Maybe the same can happen for you? I'm personally convinced that sometimes the best things can happen when we just let go a little. It's happened enough times to me. Intense but unhealthy. That is the perfect way to describe it. It was great! But something just felt.. unwell about it. After I broke up, the internet introduced me to the term "Lovebombing," and it very much felt like that. I was absolutely being spoiled and was honestly pretty overwhelmed with all of the attention, the time spent, the texting. If I haven't already referenced it, I come from a rather unhappy home, and have had my own issues obviously as well, and it's been very difficult to figure out what exactly a healthy relationship is supposed to look and feel like. I read a prompt somewhere that asked, "Do you miss the person, or do you miss being in a relationship?" It's mostly the latter, but I really did like the person too.
I'm so sorry you've been going through a rough time again. I won't pretend to know what the right course of action is, but I can completely understand how hard it is to decide whether someone's good for you or not and above all, whether it's healthy to be with them even if they are. It sounds like it wasn't healthy, that perhaps he came on a bit too strongly and whether he meant to or not, he was manipulative. Love bombing is something that narcissists do, usually to keep you in their grasp or to have leverage on you when there's something they want or need. Oftentimes, they don't even realize they're doing it, and like anyone else, their actions are often borne from desperation. I don't know enough about your ex to say whether this was the case or not, but if the relationship is what you miss most and not the person, I think it's best to move on (however hard that may be). If you do miss him and think that it's worth another shot to work on whatever issues the relationship had, then you can always try reaching out to him--but just be careful. You're in something of a fragile state of mind, and it can be devastating to want someone back, only to have them potentially reject you. Take some time to reflect on what you want and need, and even if it seems pointless, to do nice things for yourself. You can't draw water from an empty well, and so it is with people; if you're not in the right frame of mind, don't push yourself. I know it's hard to ignore that nagging sense that you should be doing something more, but sometimes the minimum is all we can give--and that's okay. As long as you find your way back to a positive frame, the things you need to do will wait. Be patient with yourself. I'm sorry if this isn't much help, but I hope at the very least, you find comfort in it.
Hey glad you're feeling better recently and I hope the exercise keeps helping your mood. I'm also unsure if I'll get out of depression enough so the prospect of living a few more decades like this is super sad. Another tactic is to sleep as much as you can to reduce hours awake. That's great you had those random encounters as I've often heard about and hoped I'd experience too. It's confusing tho bc others say dating is hard and it takes lots of time and scores of people to find a match. I also hear what you're saying a lot too, about finding friend/love when not expecting it, at the grocery store for example. I'm friendly when I'm out and about, just haven't been at the right place/time I guess. There you go, you've had nice encounters enough times so you will again
You've only experience your first date. Dating is a numbers game to a degree, you aren't going to find your one and only forever person in 1 date. It's just not going to happen. It's not likely going to happen with your 2nd either. You moved on from someone that was likely toxic just based along on how they communicated with you. Don't settle!! Find the person that makes you happy, keep looking and don't give up. You need to realize that the person for YOU, IS out there. You just need to be patient and as you date you learn from your mistakes and misunderstandings. You are only getting stronger. You will find him!!
Yes, this was definitely very comforting to me! Thanks so much. Yeah, I think you described it very well.. he and I were both pretty desperate I think, and it really just made the feelings worse. Been there, definitely not healthy. I haven't talked to you at length, I don't know your story, but please don't give up! Sending you all the virtual hugs I can. Thank you all so much, again. I really am starting to feel better finally. The more I look back at my texts with him, the more I feel like I'm coming off a bad hangover... Man, what was I thinking?! I feel a little silly saying this, but it's really, really nice to be able to talk to you all. I came out to a couple more people over the summer, and I told a couple more I was dating this guy... but I'm not a teenager anymore, I can't like, cry to my parents about it (not that I really could back then either). In the beginning it just made it suck so much more... having my real huge crush, my first breakup... and no one to talk to. Thank you!
Hi @PrettyBoyBlue - I've been on a bit of a hiatus from here too, but I just read this thread. I am sorry to hear what you've been going through with your first significant break up. Boy, can I relate to the inexperience. (See basically any of my previous posts ) I wish I could offer some good advice for you, but I'm kind of a dumpster fire myself right now. But I do subscribe to the belief that there is someone out there for all of us, and we have to be patient (easier said than done, I know). Best of luck and I'll be thinking of you!
Sounds like you're starting to heal, which is such a positive thing. Obviously there will still be some hurt, but maybe you could take this as a learning experience. Now you know more about what kind of person you do and don't want to be with. Life unfortunately throws situations like this at us a lot, but with an attitude like yours we can take these experiences as lessons and grow.
Hello and happy new year. I was wondering how you've been. I really hope you're doing great. I understand you perfectly, as I've been there myself. I know what it's like to fall for ''unavailable men'' and it really sucks.
