Through processes beyond the scope of this post it's been identified that for decades I have associated human intimacy, pretty much the full spectrum, with punishment. In a nut shell, if I exhibited human intimacy with another human I was going to be punished. (And punished severely.) This tragic scenario was programmed into me via "conversion therapy" when I was 15. (I was forced into conversion therapy at 15/16. Yup against my will) Me being unable to exhibit affection towards another human being means I was unable to form mild, deep bonds with another human being. . It's mind blowing that clues for this punishment scenario (resultant) were right in front of me for a very long time. I'm simply blown away by this eureka moment. (It should be noted that punishment scenario is on top of my thinking that sex is dirty" feeling(s) which I've posted about in the past.
I'm sorry man, that's horrible and personally I want to delete all bad memories and ways we were taught to hate our basic humanity and others'. Are you talking about liking guys when you talk about punished for exhibiting human intimacy, or any need or want to have emotional connection and support, from family too? I didn't get the anti-gay message at home so much except on TV, but I got it elsewhere that being gay, showing interest in guys and looking at a guy in the locker/shower would surely get you beat up or killed so I never would. I hope you're making progress on all the ways you were mistreated too!
Hi @brainwashed - Nice to meet you. I am so sorry that this happened to you. It is hard to believe that the concept of conversion therapy even exists. I don't know if you've posted other details about this experience, but have you spought therapy from a counselor who specializes in lgbtq/coming out issues? I myself have certainly benefited from therapy in the past year. It might take a while to get re-programmed from the cruel and inhumane process that you described, but I'm sure it would be worth it in the end. And there are probably many people on this forum with experience in this area that can give you better advice than I. I wish you the best of luck in dealing with this. --CatsAndDogs
This is heartbreaking. I'm so sorry you had to go through that torture. I hope your journey to healing is working out for you. All the best!!
It's devastating how many LGBT people have been forced or pressured into conversion therapy. I haven't looked into it but hopefully there are resources available for people who've gone through what you have
