Hey Everyone! I'm not sure what to say, I suppose I should introduce myself. I'm going by the name VioletStar It's kinda a combination of one of my favourite Hole songs -Violet and the Star part is taken from a favourite book of mine where the main character has a pet called Star. So I thought it sounded good but it may also be the name of a "adult entertainment" actress a quick Google may have revealed lol! (It turns out my first post is super long, I hope it doesn't annoy anyone :-/) So with that out of the way, I came here because I don't get to talk to people in the real world about something I've experienced since as far back as I can remember. I think (as I understand it) I am what would be considered gender fluid. I am I guess you'd describe it, biologically male. But there have been times going back to perhaps 3 years old where I just didn't always feel I was a real boy/male. I just thought, one day I would just metamorphosise into a girl one day. I'm pretty old now I'm afraid to say. It's taken me until my 5th decade on this planet to really acknowledge this in myself. I don't really express my, I guess, female side very much. It's something I have hidden for the most part. There are times where I maybe do feel a bit more on the male side than female side. But I would say I'm probably feeling like a girl in disguise rather than a guy. It's weird to be talking about this so openly right now, but it's also kinda empowering too. I have talked a little about this elsewhere but not quite like I am now. Sadly I don't think I could really express my true self in the real world without all kinds of stuff hitting the fan and upsetting people. I've learned to mask pretty well and "butch it up" enough that I don't get teased for being a "big girls blouse" as my mother used to put it. Time passed so quickly but it doesn't feel like 5 minutes ago when I was physically very fit and lean and somehow felt that my body shape had taken on a more androgynous appearance. I was able to wear some clothes that I felt gave some subtle hints about my gender fluidity. It felt good, like I was expressing myself in plane sight. Now sadly due to a lot of maladies, I've put on loads of weight and I would just look ridiculous wearing my "gender bending" attire. I liked feeling androgynous. I felt like I could dress a little cute and not give the game away I suppose. Even though I got a bit of teasing on nights out by doormen saying things like "good news it's gay night!" and that sort of thing. I'm not gay. Well, if I identify as female sometimes, and I'm attracted to women, does that make me gay sometimes?! I guess it's a bit confusing as far as that goes. To be honest that part confused me growing up. There were times where I thought "huh? If I'm a girl, then I should like boys right?". I went to a Roman Catholic School, and I don't mean to disrespect anyone who is Roman Catholic, but I have to be honest, it was a horrible experience. It was a kinda "don't ask don't tell philosophy" and I'm pretty sure that when I was in "girl mode" this was interpreted by teachers as "this guy is gay" which just made me mask more. I hid myself because I saw how gay friends were subtly or even overtly treated like they were "disgusting" and "defective". There was no positive support for people like us. This was the way it was at my school. If others had a better experience at a RC school, then I'm really glad for you! It just wasn't my experience and it damaged me. It made me fearful that I might be gay when in retrospect, that really didn't matter. I was confusing gender and sexuality and on top of that I felt like a freak that had to hide. There were lots of other things that went on throughout childhood. A large amount of bullying, abuse and violence. So that just kinda made everything a lot more miserable. I've really hated having to put on this act my whole life, where I've had to pretend to be this tough guy at times because I was treated as a failure if a showed and "sensitive female traits". I have a really nice girlfriend now, who I think accepts me as being a bit of a mixed bag in terms of how I express myself. But she doesn't know about my gender fluidity (I really hope that's the appropriate term?). I find she isn't judgemental though if I like something cute and girly, she just thinks it's sweet! She bought me this cute notebook with a unicorn cat (caticorn?) on it. It's pink and pastel and I think it's just adorable. She knows I love cats! She doesn't seem bothered at all about her boyfriend liking these things. I guess I'm very lucky in that respect. Well, I think I've probably written a novel by now. I guess I just need to allow VioletStar to exist a bit more and I thought maybe this would be a good place to make that happen I'm interested in rock music (grungy stuff) mostly, cats, cats cats and cats! I like vintage computers and electronics and I play guitar and a few other instruments. So I guess it would be nice to chat about those things if that's your bag? Thanks very much for reading if you've managed to get this far! I look forward to getting to know everyone!
VioletStar.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) when that becomes necessary! *****I am really so happy that you have been able to share so much from your heart with us today. I know how difficult that can be, especially when you've kept so much of it hidden for so many years. It's not easy to open up and speak of so many very private things. We really do want to help you in any way that we can. I know that for me just having someone that I could talk to, and know that they would understand much of how I felt, encouraged me a lot. *****I'm glad that you have a girlfriend now who seems to understand you quite a lot and...cats...they can be such a comfort! My kitty "Biscuit" is asleep on her bed here in my office right now. She came in from outside, had a snack and a drink, cuddled in my arms for 20 minutes or so and then curled up on her bed and went to sleep. Pets can be a source of love and acceptance that we may not always get from other human beings. *****Enjoy looking around Empty Closets and be sure to check out all of the forums. We are so glad that you are here! *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership. *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message. .....David
Hey quebec! Thank you for your warm welcome! It's nice to meet another cat lover! Biscuit sounds adorable! I like that cats have their little habits as you described. My cat is like my shadow. He follows me everywhere We all watched a movie and he was cuddled up with me the whole time. Then he had a little snack too (he loves his snacks/treats) now he's going around doing important cat stuff. He's got a lot of different places to get some sleeps and a few toys to throw around before the day begins again It would be wonderful to have a cat's life wouldn't it!? :-D
Hi there and welcome to Empty Closets! EC is the place to write out your thoughts and think about what everything means, and gain insights. .... and cats are adorable!
Thanks Mirko! I agree cats are certainly adorable! I noticed you have one as you avatar! They are very cute! Is it your kitty?
Thanks! I can't take much credit for it as I found it on an image search and it stood out as it wasn't a literal violet star. I like stars so the more the better, so that image won
Thanks, I'm still finding my feet and my way around a bit I think I've maybe been a bit shy to post. I do see to be having some issues posting, I keep getting an error saying I need to be logged in but I am logged in? Lol!
Hey! I just thought I would reply here, hope you see this. I noticed you sent a message and after a while trying to figure out how to reply I realised I that feature isn't enabled for me yet So I will respond here I'm doing ok. I can't sleep as usual so I'm watching YouTube videos about guitars
