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Mixed orientation marriage

Discussion in 'The Welcome Lounge' started by SoRo, Sep 24, 2022.

  1. SoRo

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    Hello all! Thank you for this group. My name is Sonia. I am a straight female, in a mixed orientation marriage. I’ve been married to my husband for 14 years. It’s been 9 years since his disclosure of coming out as having same sex attractions. It’s been awhile since his disclosure but we still find ourselves struggling at times. I’m here to meet others, learn more and be able to read about others experiences as to how to make this marriage continue to work!
     
  2. Jakebusman

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    Im Bi and my wife is straight
     
  3. SoRo

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    Awesome!! I’d love to hear more about your journey!!
     
  4. Jakebusman

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    Not really a journey just came out to her 3 years ago she knew I was either gay or Bi
     
  5. SoRo

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    Oh ok so she had already known! It’s nice to meet you. May I ask how you fulfill your same sex attraction needs and desires? Are you and your wife monogamous?
     
  6. quebec

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    SoRo.....Hello and a great big LGBTQIA+ welcome to Empty Closets! :old_smile: I can remember the first post that I made on EC. I was desperate for help and I got the help that night that I so needed. I hope that we can help you in the same way that I received help. The most important thing to remember about Empty Closets is that we do care about you! We're very glad that you found us here on EC and hope that we can answer questions, give you support and provide a place to vent (as long as it's not violent!) :old_big_grin: when that becomes necessary!

    *****There are 18 different sub-forums here that you can check out and join in the conversations or start your own thread/conversation. When you have made at least 10 posts on various threads you will be able to post messages on a member's Profile Page. Just click on a member's Avatar Picture and then click on "Profile Page" in the dialogue box that pops up. You'll then be on their Profile Page and there will be a box that says: "Write Something" When you have been on EC for a few weeks and have made at least 50 posts on various forums, you can apply for Full Membership. A Full Member can send Private Messages (PM) to other Full Members and share personal contact info. Right now you can only send a PM to a Staff Member as that is always possible. Here is a quote from the Full Membership information forum: :old_cool:

    *****To be eligible you must be a member of Empty Closets for a minimum of two weeks, and have a minimum of 50 posts. These posts must be across numerous forums (Fun & Games does not contribute to post count), and consistently posted across a minimum of two weeks. You wouldn't be eligible, for example, if you registered, had no activity for two weeks, and then returned to post 50 times on your 14th day of membership.

    *****Well, as I said, we're very glad you found us! :old_rolleyes: If you have any questions at all, you can send me a Private Message.

    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  7. JayeJJimenez

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    Hiya. Welcome to here.
     
  8. Rainbow64

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    I am a gay man married to a straight woman. I came out as bi 5 years ago, and then gay 3 years ago. We have been married for a total of 33years. We opened up the marriage so that we could both see other people. It has worked out well for us. We still live together and we are each other's best friend. I enjoy our life together and I also enjoy spending time with my guy about once a week. She goes on dates with guys but her relationships haven't always worked out. We see our relationship lasting long term. If you can make it work, it can be really fulfilling
     
  9. SoRo

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    Thank you so much for sharing. Was it difficult to open the marriage? At this time I am not ready to do that and was hoping to stay monogamous, but I can see it can be a struggle for my partner with the same sex attraction at times. He watches porn to try to fulfill those particular urges- it’s something he’s done since he was a child.

    Everyday is a work in progress. We see a couples therapist as well as our own individual. His therapist has not had experience with mixed orientation marriages. sometimes it can be overwhelming.

    I am also in a yahoo support group for MOM’s and there are many stories there as well. Most seem to open their marriages, but there are a few who seem to remain monogamous- at least for now.

    Our story has so many layers - some days it seems impossible to work through, but majority of the days things are great and we feel hopeful.

     
  10. Jakebusman

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    Were both monogamous but I still have desires to be with a guy
     
  11. SoRo

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    Oh ok so she had already known! It’s nice to meet you. May I ask how you fulfill your same sexattraction needs and desires? Are you and yourwife monogamous?
     
  12. SoRo

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    Hello! Thank you!

     
  13. SoRo

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    I apologize I think I responded twice. I’m new to navigating the threads. My husband and I are hoping to remain monogamous as well. He watches porn when he has urges or desires. Sometimes I question if it will be enough.

     
  14. Jakebusman

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    What does he say or feel about the situation ?
     
  15. Rainbow64

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  16. SoRo

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    He says he wants to be with me. He does fantasize about a three-some, me and another guy with him. Part of the issue with porn is that he feels he is addicted. Watching and masturbating is constantly on his mind. He is easily triggered and always has urges. We have an active sex life which is reassuring. We have been working hard to be vulnerable with one another and keep communication open. In my individual therapy sessions, I am working on not seeing porn or his fantasies/desires as a threat. we question if love is enough, and if he can be monogamous. He has not had a sexual experience with a man other than when he was a young teenager with another boy. There are often a lot of "what if's". If he gets in his head, it is a quick downward spiral, but I have to admit it is the same for myself when I get in my head. We work on this in couple's therapy. It's exhausting at times...!
     
  17. Prisma

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    Hi Sonia,
    Hello and welcome! I am bisexual in a marriage with a heterosexual man. I am a cis gendered woman. Our goal is monogamy and to stay married.
     
  18. Rainbow64

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    I definitely understand the struggle. Your husband clearly wants to be with a man and you are worried about what this means for your marriage. I get that. All I can say is that my wife and I eventually came to a place of acceptance that I was gay. We realized that this was something I could not change and we learned to live with that reality and not stress out over it. We found what works for us. Right now the gay porn is his only outlet for expressing his sexuality so let him enjoy it and let him know you love him just the way he is. Give yourself time to grieve your ideal heterosexual "normal" relationship. He is who he is and he will never be straight. You still love each other and you have an active sex life. That's a good starting point
     
  19. quebec

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    Sonia.....I was going to reply to your post earlier, but I somehow managed to get busy and accidentally let it slip by me...so sorry! :old_frown: I am in a MOM. I finally accepted that I am and always have been gay and came out here on Empty Closets in 2014 at the age of 64. At that time I had been married for 36 years. I do love my wife, but after quite a lot of soul searching I came to understand that my love for her was not sexual but was essentially emotional. I had always had difficulty being intimate but since I had really wanted children, I did what I had to do to make it work. As our children grew up and the years passed, being intimate became more and more difficult until it gradually stopped. I did have some serious medical issues that made it difficult, so that became a convenient excuse. When I came out on EC I had decided that I would never tell anyone else...especially anyone in my family and particularly not my wife. I would take this secret to my grave. That was a terrible mistake as it caused my already serious depression to just get worse. In December of 2015 I finally realized that I needed more than just Empty Closets and made arrangements to see a therapist. One of the best choices that I've ever made...I'm glad to see that you and your husband are both talking to a therapist! With the help of my therapist and EC I finally did come out to my wife, two of my sons and over time a number of close friends. When I came out to my wife, my greatest fear was that she would want a divorce. I do love her. We have built a life together, a family of three grown sons and eight grandchildren as well as many friends, etc. She was totally blindsided by my revelation that I am gay. But later did tell my that a number of odd things that she noticed over the years now made sense! :old_smile: Her greatest fear was that I would want to change everything about our lives and look for a boyfriend, etc. I assured her that I had no intention at all to do that. My wife and my family were the most important things in my life and I had no desire at all to change anything about that. Over that next few months we talked several times about all of this, with her asking questions and eventually even telling a few quite funny gay jokes! :old_big_grin: So that is our MOM status quo. My wife knows and accepts that I am gay. I have made it clear that I am not going to look for any kind of male companionship and will not break our wedding vows. We are happy together and actually are a bit closer to each other now than before. I think that is mostly due to the fact that I no longer have a seriously large secret that I am keeping from her. The relief of no longer carrying that tremendous secret has made my life so much better.
    *****I realize that my situation is different from that of you and your husband in several aspects. I am not going to look for a relationship with another man. That's a very difficult situation for the two of you. It boils down to whether or not you can handle the presence of another person your relationship. That has worked out for some people who have found that they actually do like and in some cases feel love for the "other" man. Of course that is very much a personal thing that depends completely on you and the other man as well as your husband. Not just any other person can fulfill that kind of role. As I recall there has been at least one post here on EC where that has been the case. As of this time I can't remember who made the post, but I'll try to run it down for you.
    *****You have mentioned your husband's use of pornography. As we all know pornography is not a real representation of sex. It's a "Hollywoodized"...my silly word, :old_rolleyes: version of an experience that should be a serious, intimate and often messy human experience! I understand that, as that is also how I deal with not being intimate with my wife and not looking for intimacy with another man. I actually refer to this as being "Autosexual" This works for me and I know that it works for quite a few people, both men and women. Some of us chose this path for various reasons, one of them often being in an effort to avoid cheating on a spouse. If works for your husband, even temporarily, I see nothing significantly wrong with it. You say that you are still having a good sex life with your husband...that's an excellent sign that his use of pornography is not causing a problem with his normal sex life. That is what can often happen...the pornography replaces the normal sex life completely. It is a very good sign that his physical and emotional ties to you are strong.
    *****So as you point out in your post, it really does come down to whether or not you can conceive of a relationship that involves three people. Just as a thought exercise, if you did consider another man in your relationship, here are some questions that came to me. Would you be able to have a say in who the other person might be? In other words, would you have a "veto" power if the other man just didn't make you feel good? Would you be able to deal with your husband and the other man being intimate with each other...just the two of them? Would you be able to handle being intimate with the other man just you and he? Would you be alright being intimate with both your husband and the other man and yourself being together in a threesome? Of course much depends on who the other man is and what his personality is like. Would you have the authority to say at any point in time that the other man is just not working out any more and there needs to be a breakup? These are just some questions that came to me as I wrote this. I'm sure that there are more that you have thought of.
    *****I think it would be a good idea for you to sit down and write out the pros and cons of this situation. Perhaps have your husband do the same thing and then compare your lists. That could lead to a very constructive conversation. This is a situation that really does need to have serious communication before any action is taken. Not only that, but continuous communication throughout would also be a very good thing! :old_smile:
    *****Ok, I've almost written a novel here...:old_big_grin: and I should close this out. Please don't hesitate to ask anything that you think about, we are here to help in any way that we can. We really do care.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  20. PJ208

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    Decided I wanted to chime in on this thread since it looks to be the only open/active thread on MOMs. I came out to my wife as Bi around 7-8 years ago. She took it very well and never seemed to blink at my confession. I had always remained faithful to her, though she is my 3rd marriage. We decided on more than one occasion to seek out other bi men to invite into our bedroom. We had mixed results. Though extremely fun and sexually satisfying for both of us, it didn't quite fulfill (my) the needs. A few years passed without hardly even acknowledging my difference in sexuality. Depression started taking grab again (this is what happens with me when I keep these feelings buried deep) and started affecting my life in a big way. Finally decided to address why my moods were all over the place and I was having so much self-loathing, etc. We started communicating much better and after some time I (she agreed) came to the realization that I was actually gay not bi. Though I do enjoy pleasing her sexually, and she me, I am unable to really look at other women in the same way. Yes I find other women beautiful, sexy, etc...but that is where the appreciation ends. I have no desire to have sex with them. My yearning is for men and I again have been depriving those feelings to a point of misery in the rest of my life.

    So where do we go from here? Not sure yet, I see a therapist who is great so far and she is looking to see her own as well. She definitely has some legitimate concerns and fears as do I. Neither of us can imagine being without one another, we're best friends, we have had an emotional and loving bond for almost 20 years and we're not up for just throwing it away. She hasn't quite warmed to the idea of opening the marriage up, which again is totally understandable, but on the other hand she's not really comfortable depriving me for the rest of my life either. I'm sure we'll find a happy medium in there somewhere and we know the odds are stacked against us from a statistical stand point. It's tough, but love is love is love. I can't imagine being without her but I also can't imagine depriving myself of being me, which I've done my entire life since childhood.

    I think you can make it work and I think my wife and I can make it work. It's just going to be something we both commit too and openly communicate about.