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Confused and Venting

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by Bree Willson, Sep 23, 2022.

  1. Bree Willson

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    Hi everyone. I'm very new to this site. I'm 21. I've been out as bisexual since I was 14, I've dated men and women since then, but honestly, I'm in a really hard place right now. This may end up being a longer post, so I apologize in advance. Please don't feel obligated to read it all, but if anyone is willing, I promise there's a point and I would really appreciate the advice.

    I've been questioning my sexuality for... well.. years. I came out as bi at a young age like I said, I was in a serious relationship with a woman for just over two years in my late teen years. We were incredibly serious, and she even proposed. Our breakup is genuinely one of my biggest regrets, whether we were meant to be together or not, the way I ended it was so low. I remember being so scared, I loved her so much but our relationship had it's issues. We were both very jealous and controlling and still really young. We were long distance at the time, but I was attending her college in the fall and we ended up on the same dorm hall. We eventually began talking again (no idea how, if I were her I would understand never wanting to speak to me again) and became close friends. She ended up starting a new relationship while I was having some pretty severe health issues and out of school. They've been together for two years now. She seems very happy.

    After I broke up with her, I started dating men again. There was a few before the one I'm with now, but nothing serious. Right now, I'm in a committed relationship with a cisgender man. It is also super important to note, that I have some mental health issues that pretty seriously impact my personal relationships. I'm the type to get attached insanely quickly, more with an idea of someone than the person themselves. I've known this about myself, I've had to end multiple relationships because I realized that what I thought was love was actually just excitement in the beginning, whether it be about the attention or getting to know someone new. I've tried to work though this, but after reading the Lesbian Masterdoc (sent to me by a friend last spring), I am now insanely confused on whether I even like men.

    I have some issues with past trauma and sex with men has always felt dissociative. I always just figured it was that it was just different with men and women. I could be bi and enjoy sex with women much more. But the idea of compulsive heteronormativity has sent me into a spiral. I love my boyfriend as a person, but I genuinely feel myself pulling away and feeling like I'm not at all attracted to him. Nothing has changed, and he is by far the best man I've ever dated. He treats me wonderfully. Our only issue has been emotional connection and me not feeling like I really am connecting. This made me realize though, that this is how I have felt in every single relationship with a man I have ever had.

    The only relationship in which I never felt like that? With the woman. That I fully abandoned because I was 18 and terrified of the concept of marriage.

    Now my biggest issue. I've been thinking like this for almost a year now. My closest friends have ALWAYS made a joke about how I'm going to come out as a lesbian later in life and I'm confused but I really think they were right. And now, I am living with a man who fully intends to marry me, and I do love him as a person but as a partner I don't know if even feel capable. But I must have in the beginning to get this far? Please help. Any other confused lesbians who initially came out as bi?
     
  2. LostInDaydreams

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    Hey @Bree Willson

    Welcome to EC :slight_smile:

    I’ve not identified as bisexual, but I did identify as straight and was in a long term (eight year) relationship with a man, so it is possible for it to feel right (or almost right) at the beginning and for this to seem to change over time. When I look back over my relationship with my ex now though, I can see that it never really was right. Small concerns that I dismissed at the beginning of the relationship and almost forgot about, we’re still there towards the end but had become more significant. It might help to reflect on your relationship as part of what you’re processing now.

    It may also help to try to separate your questioning for the relationship, and vice versa. So, putting your thoughts about your sexuality to one side, how do you feel about your relationship? Are you happy and fulfilled? Also, if you didn’t have the feelings surrounding your relationship and the possible impact on your partner, how would you feel about your sexuality? Would it be easier to identify as lesbian in that scenario?

    There’s no rush, so take some time to think things through. You may also consider speaking to a therapist, particularly if you’ve not already worked on the previous trauma that you mentioned. When you feel ready, it would be a good idea to begin to talk to your partner about how you are feeling.

    Take care :slight_smile:
     
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  3. Melanie10229

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    i don’t agree with your Comment. If you were able to love/ being attracted to your partner at all you have some level of bisexuality in you. Lesbians don’t ever feel attracted/fell in love to/with men. If you consider yourself only Into women now that is fair. But 100 % homosexuals dont ever feel stuff for men :slight_smile:
     
  4. Melanie10229

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    Honestly
    I think you are some level of bi. Lesbians don’t ever feel stuff for men. If you felt like you had a crush/were in love or enjoyed sex at some point with a man you are not 100 % homosexual.
     
  5. Vikki

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    So if someone ever dated/had sex in their life time with the opposite sex.... they are bisexual and not lesbian?

    So a lesbian can only be someone who lis attracted to women and never been with or liked a man?

    Hmmm...

    I wouldn't class myself as bisexual... But the way it had been explained would suggest this to be the label given
    .... As I was with a guy but not anymore but I like this women....
    Guys don't appeal to me at all.

    I think the title is right...

    This is confusing?
     
  6. Vikki

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    Isn't there a name for a lesbian who has only been with women 100%?

    Gold star lesbian?

    In today's world... How can anyone say 100% what they are?

    There is only one label for straight people and lots of others for LGBTQ+
    Then throw in emotional/romantic/sexual attraction separately....

    Why does anyone really need a label... It's ok to have one but to say someone isn't lesbian 100% because they were with the opposite sex?

    I thought bicurious Vs bisexual was confusing...

    Only the person themselves knows what they are?
     
  7. Vikki

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    Do you think you are afraid of commitment?

    You mentioned marriage to a women and a guy....
    and sounds like you got cold feet.... began doubting the future relationship?

    You are young so maybe this is a factor too?

    Would you feel/question this if marriage wasn't mentioned?

    Have you discussed kids/living arrangements etc..
    They may have relevance to you feelings about this too?
     
  8. Melanie10229

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    Well yes if you have been really attracted to a guy even just once you are not 100 % a lesbian. Lesbians who have been with men didn’t feel attracted to them at all. Lesbians who have tried to be with men But werent attracted are still lesbians. Just What I got told. Everything Else is bisexual even if it is 99% lesbian.
     
  9. Melanie10229

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    But it’s up to you How you identify ofcourse.
     
  10. Vikki

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    How would you define attraction?
     
  11. luminousecho

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    You fancy someone so much that thinking about kissing and undressing them makes you salivate, in the same was as a tasty meal that you're looking forward to enjoying does.
     
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  12. Melanie10229

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    One way of attraction :slight_smile: There are different types But yes if I you want to kiss and have sex with a woman that it makes you feel things that is attraction
     
  13. luminousecho

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    True, there is the romantic attraction also, the spark of intense magic when someone special looks into your eyes. It's something you seem to get past when you reach 40, though. I forget what it is like!
     
  14. Vikki

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    This doesn't clarify the confusion surrounding the lesbian/bisexual issue.... mentioned above ....

    I haven't decided what I want to be and doubt I will chose a label. It doesn't mean I am not 100% whatever I choose to be...

    I miss the women I like... I saw her yesterday as i drove past in the car. She didn't see me.
    I am.nkt sure what this makes me... But it's confusing just like the Op said.
     
  15. luminousecho

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    I think it would be helpful to develop good relationships with other women (try pen pal websites, if dating doesn't yet appeal to you). I do believe that if nice and attractive women start giving you their attention often (even if it is purely platonic), your feelings for this lady will fade.

    I had the same problem, and it was daily pen-palling that helped me move on--I became interested in other women, then dating sites, and starting dating, soon after. Now I barely think of that woman, who (without meaning to) had kept my heart under lock and key for ages.
     
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  16. Vikki

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    Thanks for your message.

    You are probably right. Its just finding those different women.

    I will look into pen palling.
     
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  17. luminousecho

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    If you do, just be careful giving your email out, those sites do have hackers on them so just use the sites internal messaging. Genuine people will be cautious, also, and happy to correspond that way. It is worth it: it only took about a week of pretty foreign ladies messaging me daily to all but forget about the one I was depressing myself over! Good luck, anyway, and I hope you meet some lovely people.
     
  18. LostInDaydreams

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    Hi there,

    Just to clarify my original message, I said “felt right” and I actually didn’t mention love or attraction specifically. I wouldn’t ever say that I felt any genuine love or attraction, it was more that I assumed that what I was feeling was normal and how everyone felt. For example, I never understood why sex was such a big deal as I thought it was a bit “meh”, but it turns out that I wasn’t interested in men at all that way. However, that’s not to say that there weren’t any good times, but those good times weren’t due to feeling love and genuine attraction to my ex.

    You’re very welcome to ask questions and share experiences, but please avoid telling other people what their sexuality is and/or interpreting their experiences for them. If you’re reflecting on your own experiences, that’s fine of course, but please make it clear that you are taking about your own experiences and not those of the person who wrote the original comment. We all have such varied experiences, so it’s important to be mindful of that.