Does that old fear still pop up for anyone else? I was just looking at a pic of a guy I like and all of a sudden I got this feeling that he'd get mad at me if it was real life and it makes me so sad. Somehow my like for another person, which should be a good feeling, gets flipped into fear and then sadness that my brain does that so quickly. It's a defense I guess. It's this old toxic wiring that liking a guy is so horrible, worthy of being ridiculed, beat up, bullied, etc. Touching a guy is a sure way to get punched. It seems like I learned it gradually while growing up what could happen, all the hate on gay guys especially with HIV/AIDS in the 80s and beyond. I wasn't bullied or called gay, but other guys were so maybe I was just under the radar. In college there was so much anti-gay legislation, Matthew Shepard and other tragic stories of gay men missing, bashed and killed. I didn't even know I was gay when all that was going on yet I learned it very well.
I'm so sorry you feel this way, it sounds crippling. I feel similar, if slightly different. Not that a guy will hate me, but will think I'm ugly or stupid or something. Because I struggle a lot with depression and low self esteem. It's easy to say most guys out there aren't like that anymore, but I know that might be hard for the fear part of your brain to believe
Hello, @mnguy. I'm so sorry to hear you've been feeling like this. It sounds to me like decades' worth of hate (even if it wasn't directed at you personally) has taken its toll and thus, has become internalized. With the era you've lived through (the height of the AIDS epidemic), it's no wonder it's caused you so much distress whenever you so much as look at another guy. While those internalized messages can sometimes prove true, I think it's important to put things into perspective: this guy you find attractive--do you know each other in real life? If so, in what capacity/for how long? Even if he's straight (which I'm supposing he might be), how do you think he feels about gay or other people within the LGBT? Do you think he'd respond positively or negatively if he knew that you're gay? If you don't know him well (or at all), I see no harm in admiring him from afar. Remember, we can't control our emotions/attractions, merely our actions. As long as you'd never do anything to make this guy (or any others) uncomfortable, you have nothing to be ashamed of. But as this does seem to also be deeply rooted in feelings of unworthiness as well, it might take some time to overcome these insecurities and fears. Take as much time as you need, but try to work on your self-image: how you feel about yourself, flaws and all; what's good about you (not just physically, but on a psychological level, talents, hobbies, etc.) With time and patience, it might help so that when you're ready to tackle your fears regarding your attraction to this guy, it won't feel quite so insurmountable.
There is an apprehension for me about it and not necessarily a fear. The apprehension comes from maybe having to deal with the fallout. I have enough self confidence now, that I could tell anyone that confronted me to F' off, but I don't want the confrontation. My biggest fear now about coming out completely is losing dear friend that I have had for ages, not because they are horrible people, but because they learned horrible ways to to react to queers. Not unlike what I put myself through, keeping me from accepting myself. That part only manifested itself internally with me though. I have almost always been an ally. At least in my adult life. Even as a kid I was, but had to keep it on the down low or get beat down myself. My insecurity is of losing respect and friends due to my orientation. It is easy to say they are not true friends if that happens, but my friendships are not based on gender, orientation, age, race, or to a certain extent ideology. There are limits, but I know my limits are pretty big. It is the unsurety of my friends limits that inhibits me. I think that fear is very similar to what you speak of. Peace!
Hey thanks for the kind words! It's not a long lasting feeling or that often, but can blip to the surface randomly and wondered if it was just me. The guys are presumably gay on various subredits or wherever. Even then they could still be rude af if they didn't like me, but I know it's just a brief overprotective brain. I'd prob do fair in a fight and can still run fast and jump like parkour tricks if needed. I think anxiety/nervousness feels like fear/danger too with being highly sensitive so I avoid that, what others say they feel as fun and exciting with dating lol.
I thought about this and it could easily be something I also do. It can be on media or even in yearbooks. We are all drawn to people we find attractive. It's not something we can control. What's interesting is when we don't like someone everyone else does, or vice versa! Attraction can be visceral and at other times it almost seems explainable. There are few things I run through my head often. If someone has a "type," why so? No one is trying to discriminate or exclude, but the "type" thing runs very strong in some people. I have it to some extent, my friends know I do, and I spot "type" patterns in people I know. There's also the situation where straight people seem to hone in on people of the same gender to have in their clubs, to hire, and to socialize with - and you will constantly see some duos and trios who are always together. I doubt there's anything going on 95% of the time, but the people they pick out are really good looking. The other person might be good looking, too. Maybe this helps them be better pick-up artists when they have friends like this. But it also has a bad side in serious situations, like at work - when someone less competent gets propped up based on criteria such as attractiveness. I think that cis or under the radar, like you said, let's these situations escape judgment more easily. It's when it's not cis or overbearing that it might have a backlash. I don't worry about it. Every once in a blue moon, I slip up. I was out of town last year. There was a real short guy with his girlfriend or wife having dinner and I think I might have looked that nanosecond too long. I hate making people uncomfortable. His short stature looked real good on him. I could see a situation like this one being unfavorable but I don't think same sex friends care all that much if they know we find them attractive. They probably have a good sense that we do and because the friendship was there first, I doubt they'd be mad.
