Hello friends, Some of you might have been following me for a bit and know that I'm a married gay man. I've been married to my wife for 19 years and have two teenage children. I've been struggling with telling my wife that I'm gay for a long time and I haven't been able to do it. Well we were on vacation in Spain for a week and I was going to come out to her after we got back on vacation. Well, planned changed a bit and she saw a post on Facebook that I liked and she came out and asked me about it and I came out and told her that I was gay right during the middle of our vacation. Not the time and place that I imagined that it would happen, but at least it was done. It's been extremely weird since and she has been crying a lot and doesn't want me to leave, but I feel that I want to explore my sexuality and I can't do that married to her. I feel bad for making her sad. We still must work a lot of things out. My wife is English, and we have been over in the UK for a year working here so she could be closer to our children. Our kids have dependent visa based on my work visa, so we have to work out getting them to be legal in the UK when I move back to the US. I'm not sure how or how long this will take but I need to do this for me. Am I selfish leaving her and the kids so I can start over? Thanks for reading, Tommy
Have you thought about exploring an open relationship? It's not for me to say whether something is selfish or not. I'm hoping all your family are okay though, this sounds tough for everyone.
It sounds like it's been very difficult for both of you. It may not have been when and where you would have chosen, but I have a feeling the results would very much have been the same. You have a difficult road ahead of you, for sure--but as long as you do your best to work together through this, things will be all right. It might take a long while and cause a great deal of hurt in the meantime though, so try to be patient both with yourself and your wife. I'll echo @Cinnamoon in asking whether an open relationship could be a possible compromise; I'll understand if neither you or your wife are amenable to the idea, but it could be a means of softening the blow, so to speak. I also won't say you're being selfish, because it seems to me this is hurting you, too. Your goal isn't to destroy the life you have or your wife's happiness, but to finally live your truth and find your own meaning of fulfillment. Consequently, this is going to cause pain and there are going to be people who judge you as such--but these people cannot possibly fathom what you're going through, and aside from your wife ad kids, no other opinions really matter. You can't be expected to live a life of unfulfillment. Even if you were willing to do so now, it would eventually take its toll and breed resentment between you and your wife, maybe even your children. Basically what I'm saying is, there are no easy answers here. It's a road you'll have to travel on your own, one you'll have to decide which fork is most likely to bring you to eventual happiness.
As echoed by others you face some difficult times ahead. Certainly an open relationship is a possibility but very difficult to navigate. For me it would not have been impossible as once I was with another man, frankly I only wanted to be with a man. Faux heterosexuality just was not in the cards. You are being selfish as being gay is who you are. Certainly there will be pain for the both of you. Regardless of your sexuality you loved this woman and build a life together. Ending that is one of the most difficult things you will do in your life. However do you want to spent the rest of your life faking an attraction that is no longer viable? Take it one step at a time while communicating with each other will help levitate some of the bumps in the road ahead. I can only tell you from my perspective living as a openly man has made all the difference in my life. Good luck, we are here as a sounding board.
I wouldn't call my marriage an open relationship. Open relationship to me means no strings open. Well, in order to maintain our relationship, my wife's and mine. She has agreed to me having a FWB, but it isn't as easy as that. It can be awkward because I want them to be totally separate and my wife wants to be friends with my FWB.... the definition of awkward. My point is, awkward or not, we are making it work. The key for us is counseling. Counseling and the fact that we both want to stay together. I also have the advantage, if you want to call it an advantage, of being Bi, so a relationship with my wife is desirable as well as being best friends with a man with benefits. It is very complicated and not for most, but so far, we are making it work. I am not saying this is for you. You are gay and I do not know your relationship. There is no judgment here. YOU HAVE TO BE TRUE TO YOU!! I say this with passion, because when I was not, I nearly did something REALLY stupid. It is important that you know this. Yes, as a husband you are have a responsibility to your wife, but if that is at the cost of not being true to yourself, it is not worth it. It is so hard to be in situations like ours. Peace, brother.
Hi Tommy That's a big step. I imagine you and your wife will be on something of an emotional rollercoaster. Your wife will likely need some time to process and will have lots of questions. These will be difficult conversations but hopefully if you can be open with each other, it will be the start of working towards acceptance. I came out to my wife about 2 years ago - it's been really difficult but time does allow the feelings to settle somewhat. Having said that, I still struggle with feelings of guilt and shame around the impact on her and haven't yet been able to leave although I feel neither of us are satisfied with where we are. I think you have to look within yourself to decide what is right for you. I would say that if you are at a point where you feel you want to come out as a gay man and explore that, then broadly you will now have to choose between staying in a marriage with significant compromises for both of you or leaving to explore your true self. Neither choice is wrong or selfish as such and only you can decide which is right for you. I wish you the best for your journey ahead.
Unfortunately, no. I’m a pastor of a church in Wales and if I come out, I will have to leave the church and my Visa is dependent on my job as a pastor. So, it’s not possible to stay here if I resign as pastor and that will mess up the kids Visa. Because my wife is English, we can apply to get them UK passports as English citizens based on my wife’s nationality. It’s just going to take some time to get that started. That means that 10-12 weeks of awkwardness.
I want to be able to come out and pursue gay relationships and be my true self and I don’t think I can do that being married. Also, our church wouldn’t approve of an open marriage and me remain a pastor.
Ugh, being a pastor on work visa does offer obstacles I don't have to deal with and I do not envy you that. I love my church, Episcopal and love that I do not feel judged there by most. I know there are some that would if the knew, but the few there that do know, including my pastor do not have heartburn over it and are very supportive. I also know not all congregations in the Episcopal church are the same, and believe that true of most denominations. There are congregations that would not welcome me, but that is their problem and not mine. Between them individually and God, just like it is between me and God. The rest can pack sand. Definitely helpful to have acceptance, but not required to be me anymore. I can see where that would not be the case with many other churches, in fact most, unfortunately. I wish it could be easier for you. Take it one step at a time and be true to you, the way God made you. Peace brother!
Indeed that presents some significant challenges for you. That being said you need to weight those challenges against your desire to live a gay lifestyle. No easy answers for sure but I think if your honest with yourself you already know the answer. Communicating with your family honestly will aid in the transition you all face. Be honest with everyone including yourself.
Hey @tommyj I came out to my wife as bisexual when I was 57 after being married for 33 years. It took me a few months to come out to her after deciding our marriage needed the honesty. I know how difficult this has been for you. My wife and I decided to remain married and just see how things developed. They developed into a, somewhat, open relationship where I had a FWB for several years who became part of the family. The "open" relationship worked fine for us. I'm not suggesting that you do this. But, I will say that I didn't hurry through anything. There is this sense, when we come out, that it is time for big changes in everything we do because we have repressed our sexuality for so long. There is an urgency to getting on with exploring our sexuality. It might not feel like this is true...But, you don't need to jump into any big decisions immediately. I would suggest that you have very candid, and frequent, conversations with your wife on how to move things towards what you BOTH need and develop a plan to make that happen. I know it seems like life, at 45, is running by quickly. I assure you that it is not. My first same sex intimacy occurred when I was 58. In all honesty, I don't regret, for a moment, waiting until it was right for my marriage. As it turned out, my FWB could not have been a better experience and I would never have met him if the timing wasn't what it was. Take your time and methodically work through how you can make your life happen while you continue to care for your family. And, remember that you did not choose this situation. None of us do.
Hi @tommyj Its good that a weight has been lifted off your chest now that you came out to your wife and all. I know from your earlier threads and posts that you have been wanting to do that for some time. At least that part is done. Like a lot of others have said what comes next is not going to be easy. I know there will be difficulties and challenges ahead. But it seems like you made up your mind and you are determined to live your truth as a gay man. I also saw from your posts that other possibilities are not really an option for you. Like staying in your marriage and figuring things out. Reaching a sort of open relationship thing would not work. I can see that. Because you want to lead a different life. A compromise or another solution is maybe for people who are more at the bisexual end of the spectrum. But I can see you want and need a new life. One where you can completely be your self and that would be fair to both of you in the long run. I know nothing is perfect but try to envision the ideal life that you really want and weigh that to your current situation. If this will make you a happier man. Then work to make that happen and live your truth while being supportive to your kids. Other people have done it before. Whatever you do just make sure it’s the right thing for you and something you would be comfortable and happy with moving forward.
Hi @tommyj - Wow, this post really resonated with me. I have been going through a similar situation for some time. I wish I could give you some good advice, but I am reading the responses for guidance just like you! I will say that I agree with everyone on here who has said that it is not selfish to pursue happiness for yourself. We all deserve to be happy. Although I don't have the extra complication of the work visa aspect, there is the financial aspect that makes leaving very difficult. Best of luck to you and I'll be following the thread to see how it works out! Take care...
I think it’s a great point, that we all deserve to be happy! Sometimes the route to that happiness leads you down some bumpy roads however that’s life. To spend the rest of your life trapped in pseudo-heterosexuality is a definition of hell, at least from my perspective. Neither you nor wife deserve to be tethered to years of frustration and misery. The key to your sexual freedom resides in your hand. You can either unlock the door or barricade it.
I like this a lot. It is a good message to hang onto if anything. Am thinking more and more about unlocking the door again after I barricaded it. For me it means getting back in touch with the buddies I made not long ago to see whats up. That’s for starters off course. Who knows. Maybe something more…
I think that you definitely need to be including your kids in the decision making. The selfish part would be to go back to the US without having a frank conversation with them. If you left without adequately addressing their concerns and feelings could leave them feeling resentful and abandoned. Or they may end up being supporting and loving. I certainly believe that you will have to suck it up for those 10-12 weeks until their legal status is solidified.
Thanks for your reply. Yeah the visa stuff is holding me back on moving out and stuff for the kids. We can get UK passports based on my wife being a UK resident. It's just gonna take a little time to get them back. Yes, I feel that this is the path for me to be happy. I've been living a lie for so long I'm waiting to be free to be me. She is coming around and we are at the place where we can talk about it without her crying. I do understand that it's going to be hard on her, but it is what I need to do in this period of my life. I'll keep everybody updated.
Thanks for your advise. Yes, we plan on telling the kids once we get the VISA stuff sorted out, then we can talk about a time line for me leaving and stuff. I plan on speaking with the kids on Facetime 2-3 times a week and visit them in the UK 3 times a year, depending on job requirements.They are the most important thing that'll still have. I love them a lot and I don't want them to suffer because of this change.
