I can't transition and need help

Ah okay okay, miscommunication on my end!

Honestly I don't know what else I can do for my gender dysphoria if everything makes me feel worse on that end. Since no professional I've met can think of anything, and I can't do medical stuff for it, and no clothes or names make me feel euphoria in any capacity and I'm always dysphoric every day... basically I'm out of options and I do not know what to do. Support groups aren't helping me, therapy doesn't either (I'm used to that though for other reasons), and I'm extremely run down and exhausted from this. I have no support from friends or family or my partner too. So I'm very stuck.

 

Sadly none of that really fits me. I've been through dozens of therapists, all types and all methods of therapy. From a basic counselor to a psychiatrist to a psychologist and so on. None of them could find anything that can make me feel better or happy. Only thing that worked was TMS therapy for my depression, but that had to be done for two rounds and all out of pocket, so that was a fun thing to do lol i went through 15 medications for all my mental health conditions including my dysphoria, and none of them have helped me, I only got severe adverse side effects. At one point I even got genetically tested because there had to be something that could work for me, and it seems the alleles I have don't allow any medicine to truly work right on me. Pain medications I need a HIGH dosage for them to work, antidepressants I need a dosage so high it doesn't exist, antipsychotics I basically can't take at all because of how low a dose I need to work. The list goes on and on. My mom has the exact opposite problem of me (all medicine she is hyper sensitive to) so I think I just have a mutated gene from her.

I also have body dysmorphia, but I can see what that affects versus what my gender dysphoria affects. Sometimes they feed off each other, but they're rather separate for most things. I have a phantom limb feeling where my groin is constantly, nothing brings me legitimate happiness and only panic and self-anger, and I've run through so many different methods of trying to find something to feel better that I am just exhausted now.

From what it seems on here, even everyone on here thinks there's nothing I can do. Even my friends don't think there's something I can do.

If I can ask this then without being thought poorly of, do you know where I can talk to a lawyer to write up a will for me? They don't respond to me and I don't want them to think I'm not mentally stable. I'm coherent and conscious of my actions, I'm just very tired of this whole thing. If I can't ever be what I wish I was, then I see no point living in flesh that hates me.

 

Not well, I don't talk to them much about this stuff because it's been made clear they don't really understand or support me in that regard. Most of them are LGBT+, but they just don't really understand why nothing works for me, so they think I'm just traumatized and suffer from a personality disorder or that I'm toxic and manipulative and not really dysphoric like they are. But, I can talk to them about their personal issues and I'm fine with that. Family is the same way, they support everyone that isn't me essentially when it comes to sexuality and identity. Trans-female friend that's also bisexual? They love and support her. Me? I better be a girl because God demands it and I will be spitting in God's face if I think of changing my name.

Eh, it is what it is. My fiance is too busy and stressed to discuss this with, he's working himself to death basically and has his own mental health issues to deal with, so I try not to talk about my own. When I did in the past, he would break down crying because he can't figure out what to do to help me. So...yeah I'm not going to talk to him about this either.

It's not my mindset, I'm just kind of fucked up and accepted it. I know false hope can lead to extreme spikes and downward spirals, plus what I need medically won't be accessible or possible by humanity ever, it's just a downright fact. It's not like how, at the moment, they're looking into penile transplants as a possibility for trans-men/trans-masc individuals. Which, hey, that's awesome! I'm glad they're trying to see if that works for them. It just won't do anything for me, it's not what I need to make these feelings go away. What I need isn't real, and doesn't exist for people, so there's never going to be anything to fix me and make me normal, ya know? It's not like that, 'oh woe is me,' type of thing, but more of me having to constantly be told again and again by everyone that nothing works for me, I'm not supposed to be alive, my life shouldn't be the way it is, nothing I say and how I react to things in a physiological way makes sense, but at the same time to just not die and that once I find that one thing I didn't try, it'll all get better. But when you have tried everything, they seem to keep giving you false hope that something is out there to make you feel better. I mean this with every fiber of my being, if there was something, anything, that can make me feel euphoria and happy in my body, I'd go bankrupt obtaining whatever it was. If there was some magic potion that can make me exactly what I wish I was, you bet your bottom dollar I'd risk life and limb to drink it. Unfortunately, from all my research and from the many many people I've discussed this with in a professional and in an online setting, there's just nothing for me. I'm a fuck up.

I've tried everything, from binding to packing to changing my name and pronouns, nothing makes me feel better, only worse. Like a feeling of my skin being too tight and too loose at the same time, or a horrific stabbing in my heart when people would address me in any way. I know my mind is more in the alterhuman side of things, but there's also no term to best describe me there too. When I talked to otherkin people about this, they just say the same thing: "you must be crazy, I don't think you're otherkin. Have you considered therapy?" The moment they hear how I've been through therapy so many times, they just shrug my shoulders and say, "well, that sucks. Sorry but you're not one of us either."

So, yeah, I feel like I'm not supposed to be here. I think there might have been a mistake with me in some way. My being young doesn't really change that I'm stuck like this and that I'll only get worse as time goes on since the fact I am aging and my body is every changing in a direction I despise will only cause me to get worse with my feelings. I already have a set time when I'm leaving existence, but that's about 32 years away and I still need to iron out the details to make sure everyone gets something of value from me to make sure they're set for their lives or at least their children are. It's a big step to take, I know it is, so I'm trying my best to make sure no stone is left unturned.

 

I can't wear makeup, makes me dysphoric too unfortunately. Plus I look just god awful in it I won't lie lol my face is so oddly proportioned that it looks bizarre if I wear makeup (and yes, contouring doesn't help, I've seen people that work in makeup cringe the moment they're done with me). I love it on other people, but it's just not for me.

 

I wanna make sure I understand, do you mean obstetrics? Because I'm not morbidly obese so I don't count in that area either. But I've tried seeing an endo and they deny seeing me the moment they look at my medication history. Most doctors openly refuse to see me because I'm a liability to them :/

But I actually totally get what you're going through with hormonal birth control, it makes me suicidal and I gain weight rapidly on it, so I can't take any b.c. either. I actually knew someone that also has bleeding issues with the hormonal ones, so know you're not alone on that!

 

Sorry I got my words mixed up, I meant bariatrics, that's the word for the field of medicine that handles heavier patients.

So, I function perfectly normal with no problems involving my health, so I wouldn't be seen by someone that practices in that field. I have good blood pressure, hemoglobin is fine, A1C is normal, etc. So they'd say I don't need to see them. I'm seeing a dietician already, she's nice, just need to increase protein in my diet but weight loss is almost impossible for me.

And I've tried various doctors, they just refuse to take me or, after one consultation, they tell me where the door is and that they can't help me. Plus my insurance just won't cover anything for me now without a fight because nothing has worked in the past for me. They even refused to cover depression treatment because I'm suicidal and depressed (their own words, my psychiatrist got into a screaming match with them because it means I need the treatment, but they kept using it as their reason to not cover it).

I'm sorry, I don't mean to shoot you down or anything, I just have tried all of that stuff and I don't get anywhere with it or I get worse in the end.

 

I can't even remember how many I've looked into, I just get turned away in the end. And no I can't pay out of pocket for everything, I already do for the three therapists I see and I'm trying to get one covered at least still by my insurance because it's just too much. I don't work, I'm basically just using what's in my account at the moment while going to school.

My dietician I really like, she's nice and is working with me. Like I said, I eat fine, I just need more protein and I'm getting those numbers up bit by bit. I just can't lose weight in a normal fashion, and from my labwork and physicals and all that fun stuff, it just doesn't really make sense why I'm not. I'm the only heavy AFAB person in the family, excluding my late grandmother, but she got heavier in age and was always skinny prior to that. No man in my family is big either. I'm the only fat person (my family lets me know that all too well), and no one can seem to figure out why besides trying to look at what I eat, and I eat the same caloric amount as a child almost which means I should be underweight but I'm not.

I'm very sorry, I don't wanna upset you or anything, and I really am happy you're trying to figure out different options on this end, but there's nothing else I can do about my weight or my body in that regard. I can just stop eating, but I don't have the willpower for that, I always break after 12 hours or so if I try to. Best I can do is just eat little, work on my macros, exercise a lot, and hope one day I'll lose weight. That's about it.

 

I hope so too, thank you