I knew from a young age I was different. I was born a female, yet I always enjoyed traditionally boy things. I'm 32 now, and I'm starting to think I may be transgender, but not? See, the thing is I still like wearing my dresses, but my body isn't what it should be. If everything was perfect, I'd be a femboy. I have many dreams where I'm a man, and it feels right. However, without doing the medical transition, it seems pointless to me (in my situation). I'm relatively new to all...this. Ironically, there's so many resources, I don't even know where to start. All I know is I have the wrong body and name. I've talked to my significant other about it, but it was lacking. He is (forgive me) woke beyond belief. It was like I was telling him the temperature outside when I told him. As far as the rest of my friends, they're younger than me, and I'm viewed as a mom a lot of the time. Which I do have a strong "mom" instinct. But how can I feel like a good mom when I also feel like a male. It's all so confusing. Also, if I did medically transition, I would be gay. Sorry for the clusterfluff, it's 6 in the morning and I haven't slept. Just...a starting point would be helpful.
welcome to EC hunter, don't hesitate to introduce yourself to us in here : https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?forums/the-welcome-lounge.171/ gender is a spectrum, it's not unusual for someone to identify as male and still wanna be their friends' mum or to enjoy wearing dresses (who doesn't love a lad with mum energy ?) I'm not one to usually tell people that they should use labels, but maybe try and look up some ways some non binary or bigender people or trans men describe their own feelings, there might be one that's close to yours. That'd be a way to start beginning to understand your own feelings. Don't take what you read as holy scriptures, just use it as a tool, for you're a unique human being with their own feelings that are not necessarily the same as other people's. Good on your SO for being this way. That's nice to read You can also use the "Pronouns" thread, to try and see which way to be addressed feels better : https://forum.emptyclosets.com/index.php?threads/test-your-name-pronouns-here.413728/ As for the way to call your orientation, yeah if you do end up identifying as a man, then you're gonna be one of the gays. A gay mum-lad to their friends even. Sorry not sorry, I don't make the rules
What you are feeling is mild body dysmorphia which is uncommon for trans people but as people now get is the gender is a spectrum and you could be trans bigender genderfluid but the best advice start experimenting go by he/him pronouns, wear more masculine colors, cut your hair wear a suit but the one thing to remember is do what makes you most comfortable.
I didn't realize that I'm trans until just over a year ago, at 42! It can definitely take awhile to figure things out. I was super stressed out, to be honest. Just keep researching, reading, learning, talking...and eventually you'll work things out.
Maybe my story will be helpful. I am biologically female. I came out to myself at my 30th birthday. It has been a year. I have known I was different since kindergarten, but I didn't know how to put these feelings into words and feared peoples reaction, if I acted differently, so I stayed in denial. I stayed in this box society had formed. When I came out to myself it all hit me pretty hard. I was terrified, because when I looked into mirror, then I saw my true self stuck inside my female shell. My body had became a prison to me. I was shaking inside and I cried a lot. I started doing research online to give these feelings a name and then I discovered EC. By talking others and reading other peoples stories made me trace all of my experiences way back to kindergarten and it felt like all the puzzle pieces fell into place. The me who was lost had gained an identity. The fog was lifted and I experienced euphoria, like I had never experienced before. There has been lots of doubting too. At the beginning I tried to deny all of it again, because of my environment. My country is conservative and people here value traditional beliefs. My own father is a homophobe too. Because of it all I haven't felt safe to come out yet. I have told my best friend and luckily she was fine with it. I told her through email and that took a lot of courage. It all has given me pretty bad depression and anxiety. I am seeing a psychiatrist regularly and am on medication that helps with my anxiety and panic attacks. I also get dysphoria and it makes me very emotional and can get awful, so I just try to distract myself. I do have plans of coming out eventually, but first I need to let go all of my fears. I also like many feminine and cute things, but realized I'm just feminine man. The pieces of fabric or things don't define you.
That story actually helped me a lot. I've been worried about the still liking girly things. It's helpful to know I'm not alone there. As far as family, it's the same for me. My family is both sides of the spectrum (father side/mother side). One side is druggies and peeps who wouldn't know their ass from their feet, and the other is super religious and conservative. I remember when I was younger and experimenting with my sexuality. They found out and told me I would go to hell, and they wouldn't tolerate that behavior from their daughter. Well, if I'm a gay guy, at least they won't be tolerating it from their daughter. XD So I don't know if I will ever come out to them. We hardly talk as is, so I don't feel the need to. My friends....I think, maybe, possibly, they will understand. I know one is pretty laid back about most things. The others, I'm not too sure. I sure as hell don't have the courage right now. I was a crying mess when I came out to my SO.
I'm so glad I'm not alone with putting the pieces together later in life. Looking back, I see now, so many signs I missed.
