I’ve been tossing old papers, and came across one with Roger’s name on it. Back in the 80’s before I was married, Roger and I were hanging out as friends. I knew he was gay, either he had told me or mutual friends had. As I remember, he was out to family and everyone. I was fine with that. One day he said to me he’d like to date me. I was already stressed having two women I was dating (it was getting serious: one ended up later as my wife), and said I was just looking for a friend. He didn’t want to continue hanging out as friends. I respected that, but was sad. He also asked me if it was something about him that made me not want to date, and I said not at all, I really liked being around him, obviously thought of him highly. I think I even complemented his hair. I just tried to explain I couldn’t figure out how to add another person into my dating list. He knew one of the women I was dating and asked if that was going well, and I said yes, as was the dating of my later-to-be bride (who he didn’t know). That seemed to help him accept my declining him. Maybe my response would have been different if my dating-card wasn’t already full. I had a conversation with a work supervisor/mentor a week or two later, and brought it up, and mentioned that I thought Roger fit his pants really well. I knew my mentor was an Ally. Looking back I realize that mentor had already been guiding me to learn from LGB folks in my career (Roger was in some other line of work, so not one of those my mentor guided me to), I thought it was because my mentor hoped I was to become a better Ally besides seeing the good examples they set in their careers, but I now suspect that mentor felt I was gay or bi (whereas I thought I was straight, but maybe with a little extra?) and that I needed to see others who were succeeding. I really could be oblivious. I suppose it should have been an ah-ha moment for me, but it wasn’t. I just accepted that I liked Roger and wasn’t at all upset that he liked me “that way,” and had no qualms about saying I thought he was attractive. I wasn’t even thinking I’d reject him as a date, just that I didn’t know how I’d juggle that with the two others I was dating. I do know I was really lucky to be in an environment that the people who were shaping my career were Allies - very rare in the US in the 80’s - and that such a conversation could happen. I looked up Roger on the internet. I think I found him in a listing, but it implied that Roger passed away long before his time. I know from back in that era that another person I knew well (a housemate) later died from AIDS, and I now wonder about Roger’s cause of death. That’s so sad how many really good folks were lost to the disease. Roger was a really good guy, and I was comfortable around him. As I typed his name into the search field, I’d hoped to find an internet listing showing him getting married to a guy or a work promotion. He deserved a really good life, and the world should have had more years with him contributing to it. Roger, you are not forgotten. Thanks for reading this.
I'm glad you and Roger connected in friendship, learned from each other, you treated him with dignity, and paid tribute to him and your memories.
Thanks for sharing. My "Roger" was a guy I met when I went away to college as a junior, after commuting to a local university for 2 years. His name was Jack and we lived on the same floor in the dorms, and met at a get-together during move-in week. We clicked instantly and had a great time hanging around together. At the end of the first semester, several of the folks were shifting rooms (my roommate flunked out, and Jack's moved to a single room), so suddenly we were sharing a dorm room. I definitely had a major crush on him, and he gave off a definitely gay vibe - and now he was my roommate. While my goal in life was still a family and kids (and de facto a wife, which never seemed to enter the picture), it was getting harder to ignore my interest in guys, and him in particular. Unfortunately, he had no interest in me as anything other than someone to occupy his time playing video games and drinking and NOT studying, and I made a few bold (for me) advances which he turned on, saying "if" he were gay, I would not be his type. We ended up having some sexual contact one night when we were both very drunk, but while I was over the top excited about it, he chose to pretend it had never happened. Eventually I graduated and he kept taking classes. We kept in touch enough that he eventually came to my wedding, and he brought a guy as his guest, and explained to me in a letter afterwards that he had come out shortly after I graduated. I wasn't surprised but couldn't help but wish things had gone further between us. I didn't hear from him for many years, and he was absent from social media, so I eventually asked the right person who got back to him, and he contacted me. I told him about my kids, my ex and my new relationship with a guy, and how happy I was. He seemed happy to hear from me, but he clearly didn't have the same fondness for the college years that I did. It was good to hear from him, but it was oddly unsatisfying, and I got the feeling that it was probably a good thing that we had never actually gotten together. A couple years later I checked his Facebook page and discovered that he had died just short of his 59th birthday, He was alone, no partner, his dog had recently died, he looked very worn in the recent pictures of him, and several of the comments made it sound like he had killed himself. It was very sad, and it seemed very clear that he never knew how much people loved him (or else it still was not enough). I still have fond memories of him and the time we spent together as wild and goofy college kids, and however his life actually ended, I hope that he had some level of happiness. It seems that coming out at a more normal age doesn't assure happiness though, and I can certainly say that coming out late doesn't mean it's not possible. As a side note, the girl that I "dated" for 3 years in high school and early college also passed away the same year. Nothing ever happened between us and she came out as a lesbian before we even broke up, but she led an interesting life and apparently died of a terminal illness. It feels odd to lose a crush of both sexes in the same few months. I will always remember them both.
I am so sorry this happened. I want to give you a hug as inappropriate as that might sound not knowing you. Sending positive energy your way. I have had some losses of friends along the year, including a soulmate who was a non-romantic soulmate named Jeff and I learned of a boyfriend/lover dying young years after college. He was the one that got away. Anyway, not to make this about me. It still hurts, but I'm so glad I had the experiences. Thank you for remembering Roger. I will be remembering Jeff and Zane a lot.
Thanks all for your positive reactions to my remembrance of Roger. EC is such a great community. Choirboy, that was a sad post. I’m so sorry about your former roommate.
