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Should I Socially Stay in The Closet?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Haruto, May 19, 2022.

  1. Haruto

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    The closet's terrible. But do I have to tell everyone? I'm bisexual. It's not easy. With MLM relationships, both men are assumed to be gay. Same for women. But if I'm walking down the street and I hold a female partner's hand, I pass as straight. To me, it's just easier to pass as straight. My closest friends and all, sure. I feel like it's internalized biphobia but it's like this urge. Some days I want to go to Pride, and scream and shout it all for the world to hear. Others, not so much. What should I do?
     
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  2. bsg75apollo

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    Well, no one can make that decision for you. Everyone does what works for them. I came out as bi a little over a month ago. I told my wife, my parents, my kids, and some friends. About 20-25 people total. I'm not planning on any big announcements at the moment, but will take things on a case by case basis. If someone asks, I'll answer honestly. My wife and I have hit a rough patch (unrelated to any of this as I found out she is bi as well). It's more about realizing that our paths are starting to diverge. There is no hostility at all, we are getting on well, but maybe bests as friends. I would not be surprised if I date guys. Sure, I might get some questions from friends and family, but you know what, I'm going to do what is right for me regardless of what anyone thinks. I did not come out of the closet after all this time, just to go back into one.
     
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  3. Mirko

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    Hi there,

    The beginning of your post stood out for me:

    The question is not so much, do you need to say anything, rather it is about would you like for people around you to know?

    There are many reasons why LGBTQ+ persons decide to come out to fiends and family. They include, wanting to be oneself around others, allowing others to get to know them further, not having to worry about being mindful of what is being said or to whom is said what, and having a closer relationship with friends and/or family.

    Feeling that the closet is terrible, how do you feel about coming out in general? This is something you will need to think about and make a decision that works for you as @bsg75apollo mentioned in his post. A related question to think about is, do you feel ready to let others know?
     
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  4. Jakebusman

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    I had internal biphobia for so long my life
     
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  5. PrettyBoyBlue

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    I'm having this debate myself right now, so I don't know that anything I say will be helpful.

    Thinking out loud though, I wonder if there's a difference between coming out and being out? I might be making this complicated. My thought is that as long as your out status doesn't affect how you want to live, you can handle it however you like. However, if it was stopping you from dating someone, or going to Pride for instance, then it might be an issue.
    I think you can do both! At least as it suits you. I've read that people come out many times in their lifetimes... think new friends, dates, families, coworkers when appropriate. My understanding is that it can be a lifelong process to navigate. You may not always come out to complete strangers you meet for the first time.

    I hope that helped somehow! (Cool name, btw)
     
    #5 PrettyBoyBlue, May 25, 2022
    Last edited: May 25, 2022
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  6. Haruto

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    This struck a chord with me. Do you come out and then wow! No more hiding! I watched a tiktok about "letting people in" to the closet. It helps a lot. I'm not the kind of person to stick a bi flag on my front porch with a sign that has "I'm bi what'cha gunna do 'bout it?". I put one in my pencil holder and let it chill. I feel better now, but still. There's a difference between letting people into your bubble of safety and bursting it.

    This isn't as big of an issue(anymore). I'm feeling happy in my own identity, not sitting straight (or gay), and being myself. Thanks for all the answers!
     
  7. chicodeoro

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    I suppose it depends how important being bi is as a part of your identity?

    It's little like supporting a sports team. For some they HAVE to be seen in the replica shirt so people are in no doubt that they are a supporter of that team. Others don't care. Neither approach is necessarily any better than the other - different strokes for different folks etc etc...

    Beth
     
  8. PrettyBoyBlue

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    I really like that, I've never heard that phrasing before. Thanks Haruto! You've given me a lot to think about too, especially since I'm at a similar crossroads.
     
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  9. Haruto

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    I think it's really something to think about. I came out to my parents, now what? Do I come out to everyone? Or do I stay in the closet? It's truly mind-boggling.

    Don't worry, I'm past this stage, and have even started coming out to friends! (slowly, albeit, but still!)
     
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  10. Haruto

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    Sometimes, you find a question that you just can't answer.
     
    #10 Haruto, Aug 18, 2022
    Last edited: Aug 18, 2022
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  11. Haruto

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    This makes so much sense. I will go to the game, I just won't have a letter painted on my chest. Right now, I'm there. Next year, who knows.
     
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  12. Andoni

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    I came out recently and I think it's easier to pass as straight but I'm out to my friends and family and that feels much healthier than having this thing that was a big part of my life that I felt I had to hide. I don't have to feel shame about it anymore. I think it kind of blew everyone's minds really because I've always been pretty keen on women and if people see that and have no other reason to think otherwise, they'll just assume you're straight.

    I'm not going to broadcast it but if it's ever relevant to a conversation, I'm not going to pretend that I'm straight. I think hiding is harmful and I guess it's been a bit like a part of my spirit has been crumpled from contorting myself into an acceptable form for such a long time. It feels like my aura has grown, if that makes sense, now that my spirit is beginning to unfurl into its natural form.

    You don't have to come out to anyone if you don't want to. Sometimes it's not safe, sometimes it might clearly hinder you, maybe you're just not ready to come out to a particular group or at work, maybe there's nothing to gain by telling a certain group of people etc. If you weigh everything up and believe it will bring you peace of mind, come out to the degree that you think most benefits you and adjust "the rules" as you go. Being out isn't without its problems but so far, I've been well received.

    I think you might have found your answer in your bubble analogy though. You can be bi without having a YouTube channel, a podcast and bi merch with your face on it.

    You should do what works for you first and foremost but a nice by-product of coming out when you're bi and don't have to, is that people realise that we exist and we're normal. If everyone hides, it becomes this thing seemingly conducted in the shadows and in shame and people don't get a chance to realise that Jim from accounting is a cool human and he's bi for example. If we humanise this by personifying the concept of bisexuality, it becomes something that people are familiar with and it becomes harder to spread prejudice because it's not some foreign thing for deviants but a part of people that we know and like.
     
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  13. DragonChaser

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    To be direct, I feel like the answer is fairly obvious; some people don't need to know. If it's going to endanger your life or your job or your safety in any way, obviously those people don't need to know at all. Can't, I would say, if they endanger you.

    Otherwise, if it's keeping you from relationships, unfortunately that's a choice you have to make for yourself. Are you willing to give up being in a fulfilling relationship with another man to keep others' perceptions of you as you assume them to be? I'm not saying that to be rude, at all; to some of us, there are grave consequences for those kinds of choice, emotionally and mentally.

    There is another perspective to consider and I apologize if it was mentioned, however, visibility is important. If it's at risk of life or any of its needs, don't even consider it yet. However, you'd be surprised how many perspectives you can change by demonstrating positive visibility.

    Those changed perspectives open doors for the rest of us. It's something for all of us to consider; something I think I don't consider as often as I should either.

    tl;dr Stay safe, that's what matters most :heart:
     
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  14. Bastion

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    Huh. Wow. I never saw this put into words and explained that way. And I did both of them without realizing am doing it. So yes I let people into my life. And we had a kind of bubble. Things were good for a while and then it got very complicated and indeed the bubble did burst.
    Now am thinking about the reasons:
    1.I acted so assuredly and confidently even though i don’t think I was ready. Like I kind of came out without actually coming out sort of thing
    2. It all went so fast. Suddenly the floodgates were open. I didn’t have time to think about what I was doing really.
    3. People wanted to be more intimate on more than one occasion( That’s what I mean by the floodgates) I couldn’t do it.
    4. Most of them were single. I was not.
    5. No one supported me or tried to understand what I was going through and why. Although it was pretty self explanatory.

    What l learned from this is that there is a time for everything. I should have taken things step by step and not rush things. For these things are complicated and they do need time to process and you have to actually get your current life sorted or at least aligned with what you want to do. I feel I shattered a barrier of glass and ended up with the broken pieces.

    But I would say what doesn’t kill you. Will make you stronger.
     
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  15. Denial

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    I'm a lesbian and I'm in the closet to my housemates. I haven't been in a relationship in a while but being in the closet has been draining. So coming out is probably better if possible. I'm still working on it.
     
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  16. Bastion

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    I agree also with most of what @DragonChaser said. At some point you have to judge things also and be smart about it. If it will affect your livelihood. Like all aspects of your life will be affected negatively if you came out publicly then maybe a better option would be to leave it at a need to know basis kind of thing. A person’s personal life is his own business anyway. So only your close circle, your partner or date and your family maybe. I do see the point of visibility though.
     
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