My ratio of male to female friends seems to change over time. I seem to function better when I have more men friends than women friends and still have some women friends. I've had a few therapists over the last 15 years. I finally stopped seeing my last one and that was a good thing. It couldn't have come soon enough. The therapist before him in another state was a therapist I really liked. He taught me a lot and would make insightful comments. This last one didn't have much or enough to say about anything. The therapist I liked said it might be helpful to shift my ratio of men and women friends to having more men friends. I was okay with that. Right now, I've got more women friends. I'm in a weird space in my life. I have some men friends but they're not that accessible - when they can be. I think about what the therapist who was very involved in my therapy said and why it might be happening. Women seem to be able to talk about many topics and that's how I am. That therapist noticed that about me. A lot of men can't or don't want to do that. I also notice that, as men get older, they seem to crawl into their shells more. I have had some really unreliable experiences with single adult male friends who basically turned out to be very selfish. Or some mental issues made them extra detached and more selfish. Some of them can only talk about limited things. These friendships ended or contact is minimal. Some of these women friends can be reached and will lend a hand. In the back of my head, I think or know it's because some might be interested when I'm not. Some of them have mental health issues but still make time for me and I try to work around that. I have some with very different views about politics and religion than me and just keep quiet to keep the friendship going. I wanted to see if members have these imbalances with their ratio of male to female friends, what they think about them and why they seem to think it is that way for them, and if anyone has tried to shift this. I think it's good to talk about our friendships and their impact on us.
I guess I have never thought of that. I really can't tell you. I only have a few close friends. The rest are friends that I only associate with in their group circle and not much out of it, ie. Work, Church, Veterans groups, youth program adults, etc. I have more male close friends, than female. Like a 3 to 1 ratio. All of my male friends can hold their own in conversation diversity. They have to, or they don't remain close. I am a verbose writer that has a large vocabulary and enjoy hanging with those that can keep up the most. That isn't saying I can't have fun with the less intellectualy inclined. I mean I am a Navy Vet!
Well, at the moment my social circle is pretty much non-existent. But historically at school or in the office, I have always had more female friends. I have always related to them better and conversation has been easier. In a group of men, I always feel awkward and say little. Most of the time, the conversation is about sports. They might as well be speaking in ancient Sanskrit. If they were talking about science fiction, the MCU, books and movies, HGTV shows, and metaphysical things I'd be golden, but guys like that seem pretty rare
Looking back, I don't feel I've ever had any true female friends, for some reason. I'm not sure what that says about me!
I've always had more female friends than male - I find women easier to talk to, more emotional accessible and easier to bond with. I always wondered why this is and, of course, when I had my gender revelation it became clear - it's because I am one! Since coming out I've found that the bonds I have with my girl friends have only deepened, whilst men seem more distant than ever. Without football (God's gift to male communication) I think my conversations with men would dry up completely. Beth
I have always had more female friends than male for the same reason many of us do. Communication with them is so much better. They all know I am gay and are always on thelook out to find me a partner.
I have slightly more female friends than I do male- mostly for three reasons: 1. I was raised as a woman and straight up do not know how to act around men as a man without being extremely awkward half the time. 2. The women I'm close friends with are extremely caring. They also treat me like the man I am, but also the same friend I always was. 3. Because I don't pass yet, a lot of the men my age I befriend want to date me. I know they see me as a woman and it bothers me a great deal. Then I have to come out. Some just kind of fall out of contact, a few have been ok but awkward, and one I will never tell if I can avoid it. It's rare I find a guy who is cool with me being trans and we're still good friends after.
Interesting thread. I come from a very conservative and kind of religious community. From a young age, i felt there was some kind of segregation, and it was kind of encouraged that boys should be boys and that they are different from girls so each should befriend and play with his own gender kinda of sort of thing. I didn’t really understand this kind of thinking. I just befriended who was friendly and kind and warm and liked to hang out. So I usually got along with both. And I had girl friends and guy friends. It was more towards late teenage years and in my 20’s. I noticed that there was this kind of falling apart with girls and I had mostly guy friends and it sort of continued to this day because of the nature of the society I grew up in, not that I didn’t have girl friends in college Yes I did but we went out in groups of friends. Girls and guys. With the ratio being more guys than girls. But i didn’t have a close friendship or best friend that was a girl. I guess because in a conservative heteronormative/straight kind of upbringing we sort of are expected to date girls kind of thing so most close friendships would end up in failure. Come today when a person goes into adulthood and gets married and has kids and a job. Me and a lot of people I know kind drift apart and lose touch with each other. Everyone becomes preoccupied with their owns worries and struggles in life and social life gets shelved somewhere, and it becomes almost nonexistent. Sometimes I resent this happening and I try to either reach out to old friends. Not very successfully cause they are also busy and new friendships are harder to come by. Yes one can meet lot of people but they become more of an acquaintance than friends or just just added to social media and that’s that. Maybe single people are different. But I find it’s always good to have both. Men and women whatever your sexual orientation might be. Because each person is different and can offer different perspective on things. It makes things interesting and brings something new to the table.
I am thankful for your responses. I see some common experiences with what I've seen and some are a little different from mine, but not much. It does seem that if you don't want to talk about just sports, you can rule out 3/4 of the male peer population. I've read that some men use that as a safety barrier - if you can mostly talk about that, then you don't have to talk about what life is dishing out because that can involve emotional topics and, you know, that's not masculine.
I think actually most men do want to talk about those things, they just don't talk about them with everyone. I have mates who are the masculine sportsfan stereotype and they probably do use that as a way to have shallow conversations where that's more appropriate but I've never known a bloke who didn't want to talk about life, just guys that I hadn't reached that point of friendship with yet. Possibly I draw that out of people or people like that attract each other. Some people are harder to go deep with than others. I was straight as far as I was aware when those friendships developed and people saw me that way too. Maybe men are apprehensive about going deep with men who are gay or bi. I'm a bit concerned that may be the case for me, going forward as bi and out.
@Andoni. Yes you do bring up some interesting points there. Yes some of my male do talk about stuff other than cars sports or whatever. But they do tend to avoid topics that lean towards discussing feelings or emotions. Now they mostly talk either about their kids, their work or material stuff that they bought or a house they are buying or building. That sort of thing. But the probability is high that they might not see me or talk with me that often if i was out publicly. That’s why am thinking that i might need new more open minded friends if not lgbtq themselves. At least Allies.
I guess I said "life", which is quite broad. Maybe I'm cherry picking memories here but my friends have definitely shared their feelings with me and I've helped them through difficult times, that were emotional in nature. Perhaps with others, I've been forthcoming with mine and they've been supportive but haven't needed or felt like sharing how they feel about things. I guess I can think of both stoic male friends who are clearly not comfortable being vulnerable in that way and others that are outwardly stoic but come to me for advice when shit hits the fan and they're both emotional about the situation and in need of some support. The former that I can think of are more older family friends though. This is interesting to think about because it could be part of the reason why I and others have felt like we were romantically attracted to women but sexually attracted to men. If women seem to have a greater capacity on average for emotional connections. It seems here that the notion of a separation of romantic and sexual attraction is rejected, based on an absence of credible research or evidence. I haven't researched that myself but I can see how it simplifies things regardless. I think you're right though, this kind of community may be the best place to find our people, going forward. I hope that's not the only place that bi people can find friendship though. The trouble with being bi is, I can't go out and find a heap of female friends like a gay man could because it's not like I wouldn't want to sleep with them or my partner wouldn't be threatened by me hanging out with a heap of women. I'm not "safe" like a gay guy would be to both potential female friends and their partners and I guess now the reverse with men and their partners, regardless of how faithful to my partner I may be. I'm just going to have to come out as a monk!
I've always found it easier to make female friends as well. A huge part of that homophobia and how guys view attraction. Especially growing up, non-stereotypical male behaviour and anything LGBT was viewed in a more negative light, or as a "us vs them" kind of attitude. While I have noticed that a lot of guys are more mature now, and younger guys seem to be more chill about it, I still can't completely shake the feeling like I'm an infiltrator or not supposed to be there lol. Also- as both a listener and now an out member of the group, I feel like girls have more of a "he's super cute", "get his numberrrrrrrrr" or more of an emotional side of attraction, while if I'm even seen with a girl, guys will instinctively want to make it sexual lol. Having read through, I'm also inclined to believe that women are able and more willing to have more variety when it comes to conversations, emotions and doing things
Bisexuality is a big mix and match situation. It doesn't seem to be the same for any two people I've been able to discuss it with. They might think of themselves as different numbers on Kinsey's scale and their emotional and physical capabilities vary a lot with genders. I see what you say about gay men being able to find women friends because they're "safe," like you say. With some bisexual men, women might also be able to relate to them because they can have more perspectives than the typical man cave guy with beer, chips, his buddies, and the TV. They'll even go on thinking you might be straight and have a chance with you. This is the worst situation - especially when you're not interested in who's showing you attention. There can be an argument pro and con about transparency right here, but that's not where I'm going with this. I don't think many women handle bisexuality well when it comes to the men in their lives. It seems that the reverse has always had a better chance. I don't know how often this is mentioned on the site. I believe it has been mentioned. A friend of mine used to swear that it let's a bi guy access sex a lot of more easily, if that's what they want. There's another thing going on with single men if you're not in school or working with them. Single men who aren't too connected with their sexuality or are afraid of what it could mean can be uncomfortable around other single men and it seems to get worse with time. The same friend I refer to up above used to call this "CS" and it means "cross suspect." Something is pinging or making them uncomfortable on their end and you can pick up on it. They work hard at avoiding eye contact and get skittish. It's a welcome change to be in situations where you're somewhere and you just end up talking to another single male and there is no discomfort or sense of ulterior motive on either part. If it could only happen this way more often.
Very interesting observations in this last post. especially this one. I have noticed the same thing about men and women regardless of their relationship status or lack of it. To me I don’t think some of these behaviors are necessary between people who seek friendships or just a friendly chat. Not everything in life should should be read as sexual. Not every person has sexual intentions towards this that or the other. Unless they make it clear off course Assuming things about people or their motivations are not going to help people create meaningful connections. I say this for both genders because I have noticed this with both and you can pick up on these. The awkwardness or an uncomfortable situation.
Thank you for bringing that up. Yes - it also happens with women, and most likely more with single women. Overall, I'd say that it happens more with men than it does with women. Some women I have been friends with have complained to me that another woman was too friendly toward them and was sending out weird signals. The other situation was that most of these women I know might be considered femme and some of the women who wanted to befriend them were not, so they put up their guard and thought for sure that these other women were on the make. It's not likely that some types of guys and gals could make good friends within their own gender. People tend to befriend people they're more similar to. The unfortunate part is when two people of the same gender who do have things in common and could easily be friends are on edge because of the CS situation that a male friend of mine theorized. I have seen this action fairly often.
