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Don't know how to process it all

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Starlight123, Aug 7, 2022.

  1. Starlight123

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    Hi EC,

    I am new to the forum and coming to you with a heavy heart. I have a best friend of over 20 years and started falling for her maybe 5 years ago. I confessed my feelings however she has never said whether she had feelings for me or not. She has had a bf since that time. Forward to 3 months ago when I found out that she has been engaged for a year rand has said nothing to me.

    When I found out I was both angry that she hid it from me and heartbroken that she was engaged. Long story short I congratulated her and said that I could get over her being engaged but not the deceit for a year. We have been the very best of friends and would say that we share a very special bond. When I asked her why she hid it from me she said that she was afraid that things would change between us. I was very honest about my feelings in terms of being lied to and she decided to call it quits on the friendship.

    Two weeks ago I found out that she is getting married next week by a mutual acquaintance and was very hurt that she didn't invite me. However I respected her feelings from when she called it quits and have not reached out to her since then. For some reason she decided to tell me week vi text message that she was getting married next week. We had a lengthy discussion and she told me that she doesn't think she will ever get over what I mean to her and that we have/had something special. She wanted me to attend.

    I told her that she has treated me very poorly and I feel disrespected and I am not interested in attending her wedding especially when everyone else was invited months ago. I told her that I simply don't trust her anymore. We have been through a lot and never expected this kind of treatment from her. My problem now is that I am so hurt that I am unable to perform my day duties. Getting out of bed is a task. I want to be over her and her horrible treatment of me. I have maintained no contact with her for 3 months until when she messaged me last week. She has apologized to me but it is simply not enough. She said whatever happens betweens is she wants to know that I mean a lot to her.

    How do I get over this and move on? I am hurting so bad.
     
  2. Really

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    Wow. I can see why you’re having a hard time. It sure doesn’t sound like fun. :{

    I’m not sure what you can do other than take one day at a time but maybe schedule something for yourself on the wedding day itself. Something that takes a bit of effort to pull off some you have less bandwidth to even think about her wedding. A hike? Or visit to a zoo/aquarium with another friend? One who won’t mind you being under the weather but who will also try to make it a lighthearted day out.

    I’m sorry you’re going through this. Try to think of it logically. Whether she had/has feelings for you, she’s showed by her actions that she’s not going there. It’s her loss because you made yourself vulnerable to her and she didn’t step up and meet you at the same level of maturity. Maybe there was nowhere to go with it (if she’s straight e.g.) but the right thing would have been to have that conversation, not just dodge it. She seems to be having trouble just being a good friend at the moment so give yourself a break. You were honest and did nothing wrong.

    Take it easy and do something nice for yourself. You’ve got this. :}
     
  3. Starlight123

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    Thank you so much for this. I was doing well until I found out about the wedding date. I know the wedding day will be difficult and haven't even really thought of what that day will be like for me. For now I am so deep in hurt with her deceitful actions. I think had she gone about the whole thing like an adult it would have been a lot easier for me to process.

    I just need to let go of the idea of her being for me. To briefly sum things up we are both from a homophobic country which I left a long time ago. She still lives there and so anything same sex is taboo. I asked her to marry me once and her response wasn't yes or no but what would my parents and hers think.

    I truly believe she has feelings for me but there are societal constraints but that shouldn't stop her from being honest with me. We do share quite a unique bond and I can never deny that. Her explanation for not telling me about her engagement is that it would have changed things between us and it would have. That part is true but I still deserve the truth. When we went our separate ways I wrote her a letter asking her to be honest with herself and why she couldn't tell me. I asked her to just really have a clear understanding of why she hid it. I know it's taboo in our country and her family and close friends would never understand or accept that.

    She responded to me by telling me I was putting too much on her and that she had to stop talking to me. I respected her wishes. Never said a word to her until she reached out and told me about the wedding. She also wants us to start talking again (she actually begged me) but I see that that would only benefit her at this time. I am not sure if I could ever trust her again. She has definitely destroyed the trust that we have built. We had such a beautiful and unique friendship that has all gone away now.

    I want her to be happy. You don't just stop caring about someone but I also want to stop hurting. It almost feels like I'm in mourning. Like there is a deep sense of loss and I just don't know how to process it
     
  4. Really

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    Ah. Yes. Societal and family pressures will definitely have been a factor for her so while you can possibly forgive her about that, I think you need to do what’s right for you going forward. I’m guessing you have more freedoms than her where you live now so when you’re feeling up to it, try to take advantage of where you are and get out and meet more likeminded people. Schedule yourself a weekly outing (or daily if you can) even if it’s just a walk to a local park to stretch your legs and get some fresh air for an hour or so. I bet you’ll notice other “regulars” there and start to build a small community of friendly acquaintances. It will do wonders for your outlook.

    Let her find her support closer to home. You can’t be that to her, currently. You need to come first.
     
  5. Crunchy

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    Did she have a history of not being transparent prior to your disclosure? If not, I may have a slightly take on things.
     
  6. Starlight123

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    She has never ever been direct with me in her responses. She also does not show emotions we'll. What is your other take on things?
     
  7. Crunchy

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    Outside of the nature of your relationship with her - I.e put that to one side for the moment - did she lack transparency/ honesty with you in other domains?
     
  8. Starlight123

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    Not that I know of. She has always been transparent and honest with me.
     
  9. Crunchy

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    Well, in that case, I think that you have suffered a lot but I think you may be underestimating her own suffering.

    I think it’s very likely that she was not upfront with you about the engagement because she was genuinely afraid that things would change between you. I am not saying she as right to do so, but it sounds as if she was trying to preserve the relationship to the extent she is able.

    She sounds far more constrained by societal pressure than you, which I suspect is due to many different factors e.g. personality, family upbringing etc. It sounds to me as though you have been able to free yourself from those constraints in a way she hasn’t so as to be authentic.

    I know that you are in heartache. Please know that I felt that intensely when someone I was in love with, who I strongly believed was gay and interested, could not get past society and ended up treating me very poorly. Overtime I felt increasing compassion for that person and saw that they would never be able to live their life truthfully.

    You however are different. You are willing to experience life in a way that is true to yourself. You will be rewarded for that, in life and in love. But you will have to go through heartache first I’m afraid. And even straight people do not escape it.

    Hang in there xx
     
  10. Starlight123

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    Thank you for this. I have thought about her own suffering. I want her to be happy and it is why I'm kind of staying out of her way. I think it would be too much for her to have to deal with me also.

    I never expected her to marry me but do expect the truth from her. I understand a lot of why we can never be but I do expect the truth. After all of we don't have honesty what do we have?

    I know she has told me multiple times that she just didn't want things to change between us but they would have to. We flirt a lot and are often inappropriate and I wouldn't feel comfortable carrying on that way with her.

    I have told her that I really wish her all the best and that I hope it's the most amazing day for her but the dishonesty is a major problem for me since I've always been so open with her. I am trying not to be too harsh with her but she knows she is safe with me. She should have told me the truth. I think she is afraid to say how she feels out loud as if the world is going to change if she does.

    At the end of the day she made her choice and she did what she did. I could never hate her but I will never trust her again. It just hurts a whole lot.
     
  11. BiGemini87

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    I'm sorry, both that your friend took so long to tell you about her engagement and that you have feelings for her in the first place. It's not easy, especially when you don't know whether those feelings are mutual or not. I don't see it as poor treatment of you per se, though, considering it sounds like she was afraid of hurting the friendship (or losing it entirely) once she learned of your feelings. It wasn't the right choice, of course, but I'm sure even in the midst of your own pain, you can understand why she might have done it and that it wasn't malicious. You mentioned that she still lives in the homophobic country you came from and that she deals with a lot of pressure from her family; it might seem like something she should be able to overcome, but it often looks like that to anyone on the outside looking in.

    That being said, you're well within your rights to feel hurt by her omission and to want to distance yourself from her now, knowing that she couldn't even trust you with the truth. Trust is a two-way street, after all, so if she was afraid to tell you, then I think there was a lack of it on both ends.

    The day might come where she breaks free of societal expectation, but you're not obligated to wait around while she works things out. It's sad, really, for both of you; not for what you might have had necessarily, but that a friendship--something equally as meaningful as romance--should be lost because of it.

    I don't think there's an easy way to get over this. I think all you can do is let yourself grieve. Let the emotions wash over you, understand where each of them is coming from, then do your best to let go when you're ready. One day at a time; that's all you can do.
     
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  12. Starlight123

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    Thanks BiGemini87. This is a big loss for me. I can deal with the fact that she chose someone else. I can get over that but hiding the truth is a real problem for me. In that year that she hid it from me I have done so many favors for her, helped her out so much. I feel like she made a fool out of me as she was planning her life without me.

    What kind of friendship did we have if we can't be honest with each other? She told me she handled it poorly but just didn't want things to change. I asked her how long she planned to hide it for because I would find out eventually. She said she honestly didn't think that far. She was just trying to survive day by day. It just sounds crazy to me.

    I'm afraid you are right that the only way to get over it is to go through it. I wish that weren't the case though because sometimes it feels like it is more than I can take.
     
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  13. Starlight123

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    So she reached out to me today to tell me how much she misses me and that there are so many things that she would want to talk to me about.

    I just cannot allow her to hurt me anymore. I think I have put up with more than my fair share. Maybe she needs to discuss whatever is bothering her with the people she told about her engagement and with those who got an invite to the wedding.
     
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  14. BiGemini87

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    You're absolutely under no obligation to hear her out, if you don't want to. Regardless of her reasons, her deceit did hurt you, and it would help neither of you if you forced yourself to listen to her when you're not in the right place psychologically/emotionally. She had her chance to talk to you when it most mattered--I imagine now it feels like too little, too late. You might change your mind later, or you might not--either way, it will be a lesson for her going forward.

    And speaking of going forward, what do you want to do? Do you think you can remain in contact with her, or do you need to cut ties for your own piece of mind and well-being? No one will think less of you here, whatever choice you make. Just be sure it's what you want and need right now.
     
  15. Starlight123

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    Thanks BiGemini87. My feeling right now is that we cannot be in contact anymore. I simply don't trust her anymore. I can get over being hurt that she didn't choose me and I don't want to brush that off like it's not difficult but I can overcome that eventually. My problem is the deceit. We were the very best of friends and at a minimum she owes me the truth.

    At this point I would just question everything she says to me or wonder if she is telling the truth and I don't have the ability or time to try to delve into anyone's mind. That being said I think there is always a possibility of redemption but she would have to prove herself to me which I think would be impossible for her. If she cannot be honest with herself about her feelings I don't expect her to be honest with me.

    I am planning a trip to my home country shortly and I have a few things to give her that was accumulated before everything happened. I am going to deliver them to her because I said I would and I want to follow through on my word. I really don't think she is deserving of much more than that from me currently. I don't see it changing any time soon. I hope I don't sound too harsh or unforgiving but she definitely broke me in a way that I am not sure I will be able to come back from.