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Unsure to "gay" to now... straight? (33M)

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by itsuka, Jul 11, 2022.

?

What do you make of this?

  1. Straight

    6.3%
  2. Mostly Straight

    18.8%
  3. Bisexual

    43.8%
  4. Gay (but confused)

    31.3%
  1. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Itsuka.. I will agree, that all makes a lot of sense to me. Especially the idea of liking these confident guys, and wanting a strong, loving male to take care of you... I grew up in a challenging home as well, and I feel all of that. I can totally understand how that became your orientation at that time.

    Thank you for voicing that, that was really great to hear. And I really hope those realizations help you become who you're meant to be.
     
    #21 PrettyBoyBlue, Jul 28, 2022
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  2. Searching2022

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    Makes sense.
     
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  3. itsuka

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    Thank you for being so kind and thoughtful.

    @Chip I'm curious if my latest posts in this thread have changed your opinion, or maybe even galvanized it?
     
  4. Searching2022

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    I know you are asking chip but I read through your thread again and I think your last post makes sense.

    But another subtle indicator about my own struggles and questions might help - when I read your thread - especially above, even though I am still struggling to accept that I might be gay, I immediately jumped on this part and thought "Damn, I wish this was me! [So i didn't have to be gay]" It's almost like subconsciously I was recognizing someone's sexual tastes as mostly straight (few people are 100% of anything ) and clearly I am the flipped around opposite (way more intense erotic feelings for men).
     
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  5. itsuka

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    I totally get why you'd feel that way if you otherwise thought you were straight, but there's no shame in being gay. Dating is harder and you may face some discrimination, but you can still find happiness and a fulfilling life. LGBTQ visibility has gained so much traction that it's likely only going to get easier and easier to be yourself, perhaps with some setbacks from reactionaries and evangelicals. In my own case, I am conflicted about whether I want to be gay or straight. I feel that I want to be gay for the sake of my old self, but being straight is just being way too much sense in my heart and downstairs (still working on the intellectual side of things). Straight sex was the most appealing to me even when I thought I was gay and crushed on guys.

    All of this is really hard for me to fully embrace. I can't understand how it would happen. The largest factor must be my depression and the painful electric fence of anxiety that I've been controlled by most of my life. I cannot stop telling myself that I'm willing this to happen, as that's what it feels like. It feels like something in me in forcing me towards heterosexuality.

    I don't know if it's homophobia, desperation or who I really am breaking through.
     
  6. Searching2022

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    it sounds like it is this. Anxiety and depression can of course cloud judgement, but if your core sexual attraction is women then it sounds like you're straight. Of course, in writing that I am practically admitting I am gay.
     
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  7. itsuka

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    It's weird for me because I've always felt too feminine for the opposite sex. I'm really artistic and sensitive and love cats and collect antiques. I love to cook and decorate. I'm basically a walking gay stereotype! And I've always loved the freedom the gay label gives men. You don't have to "be a man!" You can embrace all parts of yourself without shame.

    They say "there's a lid for every pot," so I suppose someone out there who I find attractive will like these qualities. I have masculine qualities too, but I honestly loathe sports culture and most things associated with straight males. I do love beer and competitive video games though. Oscar Wilde has been a lifelong muse of mine. And I don't crush on women. But with all this sexual upheaval in my life, I can see that changing down the road. It's just bizarre to me that I never went through that typical gay male phase of trying to be and feel straight until my 30s, long after I accepted that I was "gay."

    At the same time, my body, and to some extent my heart, is telling me that for all intents and purposes, I'm probably straight. When I say it to myself in the mirror, my heart swells and I feel euphoric, and sense a world of possibility opening up that I never before imagined. That makes me happy and apprehensive, but hopeful.
     
  8. Engdood1

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    This is very interesting to me. Like another answer here I feel the exact opposite! Most people would see me as a typical guy’s guy that likes sports and hanging out at the bar talking about girls. While I do like sports and don’t mind talking about girls, I have no real desire to be with them and never fantasise about it. If I’m honest with myself I only thing about guys in my personal moments and have done for a long time. I guess I’m just saying that your story enlightened me to my own psyche. Thanks
     
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  9. itsuka

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    Thank you for your comment. I'm glad my sort of unusual story could be helpful to you.
     
  10. PrettyBoyBlue

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    I know this isn't your main focus in this thread, but I actually think this is equally important. This would be what a lot of people call gender expression (in contrast with sexual orientation). How you express your gender and/or sexuality. I've had problems with both my orientation, and my expression over the years.

    As a couple people have noted, there are traditionally "masculine" and traditionally "feminine" gay men. But that alone doesn't really have anything to do with your orientation. EC does have a separate forum on gender identity / expression, which might be really helpful to explore too.

    You said it perfectly... I am really hopeful that one day everyone, including straight people (and especially straight people) can embrace all parts of ourselves without shame... One day!
     
    #30 PrettyBoyBlue, Aug 9, 2022
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  11. Searching2022

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    This could just be a self esteem issue- as someone earlier said:
    That's exactly how I feel when I say "I am gay" but I don't know how reliable it ism but then, your issue seems to help me solve mine because my first reaction is "well, obviously, that mean's your straight.
     
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  12. Spatula

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    This is an extremely fascinating story. I encountered one other guy who went through something similar, the "closeted heterosexual". An initial crush convinced him he was gay, and he lived a gay life until his early 20s, but after exploring women again discovered the feelings he could get were much stronger.

    There is something called Erotic Target Identity Inversion (ETII). The idea is that you're attracted to someone, it manifests as wanting to BE them, rather than wanting to be with them. It is extremely common among furries, which is why I mention it. It might help explain some of the disjointed attractions you have. You mentioned your attraction to other boys as envious, for instance.

    I think that for now at least your passion clearly aligns with dating women. I wouldn't rule out the possibility for that to unlock a deeper understanding of the male attractions you once felt strongly in your teens. For some of us, it is a lifelong process of discovery. But I think you need to follow your love and passion head first where the winds are steering you.
     
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  13. itsuka

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    This is very helpful, thank you. I totally agree.

    There's A LOT of major self-esteem issues from childhood trauma (abusive parents and step parents) and dysfunctional relationships (toxic, sociopathic "friends" who used me for drug money, etc.) and bad living situations over the years.

    Thank you so much for this Spatula. What an incredibly helpful and insightful reply. I have never come across ETII before and have researched it a bit now and bookmarked several pages. It's amazing how complex sexuality is... and the furry world is such a microcosm of every hitherto unexplored (or at least largely unchronicled) sexual frontier. I've always been awed by all the fascinating, creative kinks, and their psychology (vore, inflation, objectum sexuality, etc.). I'm a lifelong furry myself, although I only really accepted it in my mid-20s.

    I saw in another thread from a couple years ago that you mentioned how a lot of furries go into the fandom identifying as straight, only to slowly realize they're bisexual or even primarily gay. I wanted to say that for me, I was the exact opposite! I went in thinking I was pretty much totally gay, only to realize that all the bisexual furries and straight art really touched something deep within my heart actually, and I began to feel pulled toward straight fantasies. I fought that for years, but finally caved, and now the majority of what I pleasure myself to is straight furry (usually solo female). I have no interest in looking at anything gay anymore when jacking off (although I still keep up with my favorite gay artists and save their work).

    Maybe that will change in the future. I don't know if it's just the forbidden nature of it, or if it's somehow connected to my first love via ETII. But good lord, straight fantasies are mind blindly hot to me, and have been for the past five years. With how strongly my body reacts to it, I think I'm more just settling into my authentic sexual self.
     
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  14. itsuka

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    I should add to my previous comment that I am in complete agreement with this. I need to try dating women, if I can. The idea of it unlocking a deeper understanding of my male attractions is very keen. Perhaps I'll realize that men are what I really want.

    It's very strange for me, because I don't identify with straight men at all. No offense to straight guys, but a lot of them seem, to me, to be awfully boring, mean, small, shallow, etc. This could be in part caused by my own prejudices and insecurity. However, I think that being anything other than straight forces a lot more self-actualization upon you, and if you've always fit the stereotypical male mold, you have zero need or knowledge to grow beyond that narrow, conventional, bourgeois role.
     
  15. Spatula

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    You'd be surprised how willing women actually would be to date someone with your history. For me the problem has always been getting near them to begin with. I have stereotypically male-dominated hobbies and interests, and my friend circle is mostly gay guys. Meeting single female friends of a friend's girlfriend is a big way straight folks hit off and date and that's always been off the table for me. I'm trying to stray outside the fandom more these days and devote more time to other meetup groups, as well as devoting more time to my normie friends than I did before.

    Sorry I'm not a great guru at this.
     
    #35 Spatula, Aug 13, 2022
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2022
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  16. itsuka

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    That makes me feel bit better. I was out today at Walmart actually, and I noticed like six young straight couples, and I couldn't see myself in the man's shoes. I'm honestly perplexed by most straight people. I don't understand the emotional and sexual connection... it's really a mystery to me. Personally, I feel too sensitive, too feminine. I'm not enough of a "man." My voice is really gay, and so are my mannerisms. The idea of being intimate with a woman makes me feel how inadequate I feel as a man because I compare myself to normal guys, who I never related to.

    I'd hate to be an effeminate heterosexual. The shit I would get on a daily basis... plus, I would hate myself if I'm being honest. I want to be authentic, but I don't feel that my feminine qualities are the real me. I guess it's either that, or I'm just self-hating and in denial. And I admit, I have issues with internalized homophobia, but they don't affect my attraction to men, only my self-esteem.

    I'm curious if these details change what you think about my story.
     
  17. itsuka

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    As my last post implies, I do not (usually) find women in public attractive. I’ve become more aware of women’s sexuality in public, maybe noticing their breasts or ass, but it does little to excite (usually, for now). There is one notable exception however.

    I was at the gym and riding on an elliptical in front a giant mirrored wall. Just behind me, a young woman in tight black pants was stretching, and it was showing off her curves very nicely. I decided to let me gaze linger to see if I got aroused. Well, what happened was not a tingle or a slight shift in my loins as those with HOCD often describe. I found myself steadily grow a raging erection that wouldn’t go down! I was incredibly aroused, on a very animal, physical level. I felt horny. And I should add that I NEVER get erections in public, ever, and never even get them when I spot a cute guy in the gym (although I might feel affectionate towards him). I was thrilled actually, because now my straight fantasies are shifting closer to lived reality.

    I thought that that’d be another good detail to share…
     
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  18. Purple Yoda

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    Wow.
    Reading this hits home in so many ways.
    Thank you for sharing, and I hope that you find answers.
     
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  19. itsuka

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    In contrast to my previous post, I checked out from a dreamy male cashier yesterday who made my heart melt. He was exactly my type, and he had a way about him that made me wonder if he was attracted to me too. I was overcome with feelings of longing and affection... I felt like I could've just fallen in love with him right there. This might've been because he reminds me of my first love, when I was 17.

    But when I think about sex, again, it's straight stuff that turns my body on. Even if my heart was overflowing with the satisfaction of romantic love, I don't know that sex would ever be enjoyable. It feels like my heart yearns for (a very specific type of ) men, but my sex drive is towards women.

    I feel stuck in a liminal space between gay and straight, and I really, really hate it. I want to be able to make love to my lover, not just get sex elsewhere in an open relationship (poly is not something I'm into).
     
    #39 itsuka, Sep 4, 2022
    Last edited: Sep 4, 2022
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  20. Chip

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    What happens if you try masturbating thinking about guys. Maybe this guy specifically?