Hello, It has taken me 10 years to write this, so please bear with me...... I am a middle-aged Hispanic man with no idea where I stand in a sexual sense. Background: looking back I realize that I've always been attracted to men. This goes back to KINDERGARTEN where I have memories of a boy that I think I had a crush on (I remember liking the way his shirts fit him and his shoulders). But I was 5 years old so sexuality was not even a consideration. I was shy, insecure and had no friends as a kid. Very Catholic (very) & my family moved around a lot. But I do remember my first boner... watching women pro wrestlers on TV in 1st grade. I was horrified by it and hid from everyone. Probably needed a male adult to explain what had happened. My self-esteem took a blow in 6th grade, when I faced the realization that I was not white like my Catholic School peers... but rather this brown-skinned, skinny, un-athletic, pudgy-nosed, weak, troll-looking-thing and I really began to dislike myself. I hated photos of myself. I thankfully had a lot of adoration from my family for being intelligent and a "model son" so it helped temper the self-loathing that I had for my physical appearance. I think that my first "crush" was a boy in elementary school - around 7th grade. He was handsome (Tom Cruise like) and had a gymnast's body. I remember him flexing his biceps in gym class and my knees got weak. I wanted to be him. I wanted those arms to squeeze me. This is probably around the time that I began masturbating to pictures of muscular guys. (Remember those Soloflex ads???) but I was naive and clueless about what I was doing. I just attributed it to my physical inferiority (being abnormal) and swore that when I got older I'd join a gym and grow chest hair. It was probably around this time that I discovered WWF wrestling and got those funny feelings from the big, muscular wrestlers throwing smaller guys around like a rag doll. I had a crush on a girl in junior high. She made me tingle. BUT, I was a "good Catholic boy" and suppressed those feelings. I think that's when I started to associate masculinity as something that OTHER guys had, not me. But for a whole school year I (respectfully) tried to "become her friend" which in hindsight was probably creepy. Then she started dating Jose - a BOXER with six-pack abs and arms like a bodybuilder - and that only cemented the belief in my inferiority, and that OTHER guys got the girls, not me... that OTHER guys were sexual, not me. Graduated High School a virgin or course. A girl that I "liked" tried to make out with me once and I panicked. I think it was a legit panic attack. I lied and told her that I wasn't feeling well and that ended my one & only viable opportunity. Then came college, and things got only worse with college seniors walking around looking like NFL players on campus, while I'm looking like a geeky kid. SO I focused on my studies and graduated college without a single romantic endeavor. However, I did begin exercising in my junior & senior years... and soon I was starting to like what I saw in the mirror (just a bit). THAT is when I met my ex wife, at the height of my newfound self-esteem (and horniness). For a while I thought that things were finally normal. I had a real girlfriend. She was understanding when I had performance anxiety our first night together (the boners from making out would go away when the clothes where off). Eventually I learned to relax & enjoy sex and we got married. Had kids. Bought a house. The whole nine yards. At the age of 30 things began to go awry. We'd be in the middle of having sex and I'd lose the erection. There were PLENTY of external factors that I attributed this to; money problems (sole provider), 3 infant kids, homeowner woes, weight gain, stress, stress, stress, stress... and I never stopped feeling inadequate, unmanly, and of course wishing that I looked like the guys on the cover of muscle magazines. WORSE I was diagnosed with Hypogonadism (my body isn't producing much testosterone) so add THAT to the mix. The less sex we had, the more I fantasized about bodybuilders. Sometimes women, but mainly men. I was attracted to the strength & confidence that they represented. This went on for another 10 years until our marriage finally collapsed. I wound up divorced & have a new set of anxiety-inducing factors at play. I tried therapy for a couple of years and learned a few things. First I acknowledge how skewed my sense of self was in my younger years. I found old photos of myself and did not recognize the person in them... meaning I did not appear as grotesque as I remember being. In fact I was pretty good-looking in my 20's! If I had only realized this, and broken out of my Catholic-boy shell back then, my life would have been so much different. BUT ALAS... here I am. Approaching 50. I have only had one sexual partner - my ex wife - EVER. I am (this time) legitimately unattractive... balding, overweight (no matter how much I hit the gym), perennially broke (kids in college) and living with elderly parents. The icing on the cake??? Penile Shrinkage. I am literally half the man I used to be. Fully erect I'm fine... but on a normal basis I'm walking around with a deflated little balloon that I would be horrified to show anyone. The straight porn that used to excite me only gives me performance anxiety. Gay porn doesn't really do it either, unless it involves a big, muscular guy manhandling a smaller guy. The actual penetration and oral play action doesn't really do much for me. A couple of years before COVID, I went to my first gay club. It was... confusing. Surrounded by gorgeous, muscular go-go dancers, I was captivated by the butt on the one female dancer on stage. I had sexual thoughts with her, and homo-erotic fantasies with the guys. Since then, I've been to other bars, I've been to gay strip clubs, and I've hired muscular guys for private worship. YET the thought of actually having SEX with a guy terrifies me. I'm pretty sure that I don't want a penis in my mouth, and I don't think that I want one in my rear either. I recently bought a toy to see if I would enjoy that, and honestly I can't see how that is pleasurable. But I can't get enough of big, handsome, muscular men. Every night I scroll through social media, fantasizing about all those hot guys manhandling me. WORSE YET...I began to have feelings for a stripper that I paid for private wrestling sessions with. Handsome, sweet, friendly, with a rock-hard body (seriously it's like he's built out of concrete). He really put a smile on my face. But the one time I tried to go beyond wrestling... I was unresponsive. No reaction down there. It was so frustrating & heartbreaking & embarrassing that I stopped seeing (hiring) him over a year ago. Funny enough last month I ran into him in the city, and I'm suddenly following him on OnlyFans like a lovelorn teenager. Ugh. For PRIDE week I treated myself to a lap dance at a gay club. The dancer somehow got an erection out of me, and I almost felt normal. THEN at the bar, a really attractive (young) guy offered to buy me a drink (which I said No Thank You to) since it sent me into a tailspin. Was he being nice or flirting? He couldn't possibly find me attractive, right? WHAT would I even do in such a situation? It felt... heavenly... to think that someone like him would find me interesting... but I'm too pragmatic to think that this old, balding, overweight, low-testosterone, quasi-virgin, with a deflated penis could have a chance with a hot guy like that. What would I even DO in such a situation? The initial euphoria of that encounter is overshadowed by the anxiety and soul-crushing doubts. At this point I am emotionally exhausted. I don't know who I am anymore, nor what I truly want. Which is why I am here. Posting words that no one has heard before, ...words that took 10 years to write. Thank you for spending the time to read this. Peace & Love
Thank you for taking the time to write all of this out. All of what you have said sounds incredibly painful, confusing and disheartening. Anyone could see why you’re so bewildered. I think that what is the main issue here is, is a matter of self-esteem. Many people grow up and live with some form of body dysmorphia, where, for example, their nose looks massive to them, but no one else pays it any attention. Thinking you’re just flat-out ugly to everyone at all points in your life is unfortunately common, but is entirely irrational. This is because some, or perhaps many, people will find you very much their type. Even if you’re not physically someone’s type, personality and character play an equally, if not greater, role in attracting a mate or friends. It sounds to me like you are probably bisexual (maybe even straight), and you admire the sexual appeal of men but do not desire to go any further with them. You clearly want what the guys you’re attracted to have. With women, it sounds like you are genuinely sexually attracted to them, but have severe self-esteem issues which cause debilitating performance anxiety. I could be totally wrong here, but this is just my impression from what you have told us. I hope it is somewhat helpful, and if not, I hope others’ comments will shed some light on the matter for you.
Hi Purple Yoda, I'm sure it wasn't easy for you to put up your post so kudos for doing it. It seems like you have a lot going on and obviously finding things difficult. You express a lot of negative things about yourself and I'm guessing that a lot of the time those thoughts and more are in your head. I imagine this feeds into feeling low/ depressed/ anxious some or maybe a lot of the time. I think this is something you should look to work on and maybe others can give you suggestions here. We are all imperfect but need to resist the temptation to be our own harshest critic and work on self acceptance instead. If you could make progress on self acceptance maybe it would be easier to then unpack or work on the sexuality issues. I don't have any expertise so just giving you some of my thoughts and wishing you well.
Thank you for the responses. You both made very valid comments and believe me I know how this all sounds. Especially once I typed it all out. But there is no one - no one - in whom I feel comfortable enough to share this with in my circle of friends and family. I appreciate the feedback immensely and I pray that through the words of others here I can move forward with some sense of direction.
@Purple Yoda Firstly, thank you for showing such bravery in telling us your story; it's not easy to bare one's soul like to anyone, let alone complete strangers on the internet. Secondly, I'm so sorry for all the turmoil you've been through. Self-esteem (or the lack of it) can be socially crippling for many people, but it sounds to me that you're dealing with more than your fair share. I think your medical condition regarding your testosterone has contributed to a lot of problems, but I also think your state of mind (how you view/feel about yourself, your upbringing, etc.) have done their share of damage too. I can't say for sure what you are or what you aren't--only you can reach that understanding for certain--but from what I've read, I think it's likely that you're bisexual. Now whether you lean more towards men or women is difficult to say, but I will say that not wanting to do anything anal in no way suggests you aren't into men; there are gay men who aren't into it, and there are straight men who are. It all comes down to the context of who's doing what. I wish I had some easy solution for you, some easy means of you working through both your issues around sexuality and around yourself, but there are no easy fixes, here. Is it possible to look into therapy? Maybe even one that specializes in matters of sexuality and sexual orientation. I'm sorry if this hasn't been of much help, but I hope it's given you something to think about (and perhaps offered solace in knowing you aren't alone).
Thank you for that... baring one's soul anonymously can actually be very liberating. I found solace when my ex left me in an online forum and complete strangers kept me from going down a dark path with constant words of encouragement and support. I was in therapy for two years. I definitely need more. Thank you.
It’s very interesting to read your story and compare to my own life. I am not ‘out’ but have come to believe that I might be gay in the last year or so. On the surface it does not appear that you are gay but perhaps bisexual with a preference for women. You said that you didn’t feel anything when looking at male strippers but were captivated by the one female. I feel like I would be the opposite. Having said that, you have gone as far as hiring men to dance or whatever so there’s some attraction there. It appears to me as though it might be hero worship though as you say you really don’t want to have sex with them. Once again, I feel very different to that as I am quite sure I would love to have sex with men, even though I have very limited experience so far. Just throwing in my own feelings in the hopes that it may help clarify your own thinking.
Thanks… yes it’s confusing and I am going to explore the term “hero worship”… I get weak in the knees by seeing a handsome, muscular guy but I can’t see myself in a sexual act. Good luck on your own journey of self discovery!
Actually, you do not remember your first boner. You started getting boners before you were born and continued getting them all through infancy and childhood. The one you remember is merely the first one you noticed. When you have boys of your own and change their diapers and give them baths, you'll see that they have boners quite frequently. It's no big deal -- it's a normal part of being male.
Don’t beat yourself up. Life’s a journey. I’m in a difficult situation with regard to my sexuality and I can relate. It’s not easy being an older male and grappling with these issues. Don’t beat yourself up. I myself am not obsessed with penis size. The important thing is you get an erection— and that’s thrilling.
