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Am I born with it?

Discussion in 'Sexual Orientation' started by tommyj, Aug 2, 2022.

  1. tommyj

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    Hello Empty Closets Friends,


    Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse


    I have a question that may have been asked before, forgive me if it has been answered.

    A brief history: I was born in Florida, but moved to upstate NY when my parents got divorced a year and a half later. When I was 6-7, I was sent to be with my biological father during the Summer to empierce all that Florida life had to offer. Instead, my father sexually abused me the whole summer and left me confused on what had happened.

    I found out a few years ago that my mother knew it all happened, but she did nothing to stop/report him to the authorities. Don't worry I am getting therapy for it all.

    Currently I'm gay, but in the closet to all except my Step-Father, a really good, positive, loving person, everything a father should be, and my therapist.

    Some of the facts to explain why I know I am gay. I remember looking at underwear ads when I was a teen and really enjoyed looking that them. I would get physically excited when in the changing room at school (while I received a lot of bad stuff because of it), When I would look at porn it was always male/male. I never had a serious girlfriend and when I did, I never did anything sexual with them and would end it if it did get serious. I am currently married and have two children, but not sexually active for many years and feel no romantic attraction to my wife. (Another note, she is an amazing woman and I feel bad that I can't be the romantic person that she deserves.)

    Okay, now back to my original question:

    Was I born gay (predestined to be gay from birth), or did my experiences being sexually abused by my bio father "turned" me gay or was it learned by some of the gay things that I did when I was in my pre-teens?

    What are your thoughts? How do you feel about the origins of your sexuality?
     
  2. BiGemini87

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    Sexual orientation is decided during the gestational period (i.e. occurring during a specific stage of the embryo/fetus's development), so no, the horrific actions of your father didn't "turn" you gay.

    His actions, however, could and likely have impacted not only the way you view yourself and others, but the way you approach relationships and sex. I'm glad you're receiving therapy on the matter, and I'm sure your therapist will help you work through not only what happened, but how it's affected you for most (if not all) of your life.
     
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  3. quebec

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    tommyj.....I have been following your "story" for a while now. I responded to one of your posts a year or so ago and because of the similarity of our lives, I have gone back and read all of your posts. I too hid my sexuality from the world and specifically from my family for a very long time, only coming out here on EC in 2014 when I was 64 years old. The big difference between us is that I have come out to my wife and two of my three sons. Like you, I have a wonderful wife and she has chosen to accept me as I am. We have built a good marriage (44 years last July 1st) and want to stay together as we do love each other...just not sexually. In your last few posts you haven't mentioned pastoring your church...are you still pastoring a church in Wales? I am also a Christian and am heavily involved in my conservative, evangelical church. You and I share the problem of whether we should come out to our church or not. Of course I'm not the pastor, but I have filled just about every role in the church except that one. If you'd like we can have a bit of a discussion about what the path to the future looks like for us. I'd be interested to hear your view is and can share with you my thoughts too.
    .....David :gay_pride_flag:
     
  4. zgaynz

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    My very unscientific opinion is that I believe I was born gay and I don't believe anyone is made gay, bisexual, straight or any other sexuality by another individual. You either have some form of same-sex attraction or you don't. While scientists said there is no one single "gay" gene, I do believe a combination of genes may account for some level of same-sex attraction but it's only one piece of the puzzle, there are other factors at play. No one truly knows what causes people to be gay, straight, bisexual, etc. but other people, most definitely not. They may open that closet door slightly though...

    I also believe that sexuality is not a choice. The only choice you get in the matter is whether you accept it or not, which for quite a few years I did not and denied/suppressed it. There were a lot of signs throughout the years growing up, innocuous at the time (perhaps due to age/lack of understanding or comprehension what they meant at the time during my formative years) but when I added them all up over a lifetime, it was rather obvious to me and some others.
     
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  5. tommyj

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    Hey, thanks for your reply. Yes, it has been a journey for me as I try to navigate these decissions. I do have to say is that I'm closer than ever before to actually come out to my wife and church. I'm tired living in a world where I can't be me. This will cause some pain but I have had this burden for so long I don't know how to be the real Tommy, only the illusion that I have made up for myself.

    Yes I'm still a pastor in a church in South Wales with my wife and family. While the church has come a long way, it still is very concervative when it comes to LGBTQ+ issues, so if/when I do come out, I most likely, will have to leave and find a new church that will accept me as I am. I have, for the most part, comes to terms with my own salvation and me being gay and believe that God loves me for the person that He created me to be.

    I would welcome to continue to chat if you would like PM me anytime.

    Blessings.
    Tommy
     
  6. Searching2022

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    The latest research says no 'gay gene' but
    https://www.scientificamerican.com/...le-genetic-cause-of-same-sex-sexual-behavior/
    "
    There is no ‘gay gene.’ There is no ‘straight gene.’ Sexuality is just complex, study confirms

    From what I understand, there can be things set off in childhood or in the wom.

    I am not an 'expert' - but are your 'fantasies' 'acting out' the abuse or just generally 'gay'? I would think the former would indicate imprinting of trauma the latter, then generally sexually referenced gay.

    Personally I am still struggling with my own sexuality and it doesn't make sense yet. Why do I look at women but fantasize about men? I still have some notion its' some unconscious belief that I don 't think women like sex, but I know that sounds weird.
     
  7. tommyj

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    I think for the most part they are generally gay. I think that they have always been there but I'm not sure if they are from the truma or not. I don't know why it makes a difference to me. I just thought if I was born gay the trauma doesn't have an affect on me, but if it is then the trauma has won and still has a hold on me.
     
  8. Searching2022

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    you could both have trauma and still be gay. Trauma, at the very least it can muddle things quite a bit!
     
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