So, few months ago, I start writing my diary on my old tablet. In it, I talk mainly about how I’m feeling, my depressive moment and my female crush. Since it was an old tablet with a password my mom don’t know I thought she’ll never read it. A month ago, my mom used her old phone since her new one was broken. The thing is that the old phone and tablet are under the same account and, with the old phone, my mom has an access to all the documents in the tablet. Seeing how the document was named (shitty months) she decided to read and she later confronted me about that. She told me she didn’t read everything (the documents is more than 30 pages long) and she mainly talked about how she worried about my mental health. She mentioned she knows I’m in love, but in the document, I wrote that few time without writing with who. I was upset and I refuse to talk about this document after that (when she tries to talk about that I say it never existed). I didn’t really thought about the « not straight » part since she didn’t talk of this. Anyway, few days ago, she offered me three graphic novel (to congrats me for my good scholarship in middle school) and two of them cover the subject of homosexuality (it’s not the main topic thought). Maybe I’m overreacting but I feel like she chooses those books to try to help me or something like that. I also find she talks more about some of her gay friend this week. I begin to think that maybe she didn’t talk of this because I wrote in the diary how uncomfortable it is for me. On an another hand, she talked of my dad’s depression and suicidal thoughts, a subject that makes me very uncomfortable and she knows it. I’m sure she haven’t read the whole diary, her eyes are very easily tired, she can’t read all of it. What do you think of this ? Does she knows or am I just overreacting ? In any case, I don’t plan confront her about that. I’ll continue to act like this diary never existed in every parallel universe ever.
I'd say she doesn't *know* for sure and that may be why she's trying to insinuate she's good with gay people. To make you feel confident enough to tell her in case you actually are. I don't know her so I can't tell you whether it's better for you to act as if it never happened. And I hope I'm not projecting too much.
Ah, I didn’t think of that before. It’s not impossible she acts that way. Don’t worry, you’re not projecting to much.
Yes, I think that she deliberately chose the book and is dropping hints. I believe that it is her way of letting you know that it's okay, but she is giving you the time and space to talk to her on your terms. I am not surprised that she focused on depression and suicide given your family history. I think she doesn't want to lose you too. I would encourage you to talk to her when you are ready. Ignoring it or hiding it isn't going to make it go away. It'll only get more difficult. Maybe you should ask to see a therapist. It may alleviate her fears and give you a chance to talk about your sexuality.
Thanks for your reply and advice ! You must be right. I already saw a therapist (it's been a year with this one but I saw differents therapists for 10 year). I didn't talk yet about my sexuality (the last time I tried, I ended up talking about something else because I panicked).
I can't say for certain that she knows, but the timing of her gifts to you and the conversations align a little too well to be coincidental, in my opinion. She might not know but suspect, given perhaps what she did read (if she didn't see the part about your crush being female), and your overall discomfort with it. I don't think ignoring it is the right way to go; it sounds to me like your mom will be a very supportive person, given everything she's said/done so far. That being said, this doesn't mean you have to tell her/come out until you're ready. And when you are ready, if you're still uncertain whether you aren't straight or what label fits you, you can simply tell her that you're still working out the details. I think therapy (maybe even family counselling) would be a good idea: Not only will they be able to help you work through how you feel about your sexuality, depression, suicide, etc. they can also help you strengthen your relationship with your mother.
Hello, thanks for the advice. Even if I know she probably will be supportive, I don’t feel ready yet. And as say before, I already see a therapist (even if I have big difficulties to talk about my sexuality).
