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Clothes

Discussion in 'Gender Identity and Expression' started by Redmelon, Jul 26, 2022.

  1. Redmelon

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    I wasn't sure if I should post this on the Later in life Forum, but I have been reading some wonderful comments from many people so thought here would be O.K.

    I am 47, was married for 20 years, but with the same guy since I was 19. I hate all forms of shopping if its for me, clothes, bags, shoes, makeup, I usually wear a pair of trainers and buy another when the ones I wear start to fall apart, the same can be said for clothes,(except when shopping for my kids).
    As a child until I attended a church which I describe as a cult, I guess they are a little more mainstream now, but girls and women had to look like girls and women, boys and men had to look like boys and men. Sunday best, dresses, heels, hats if you liked, men suits and no facial hair. Men were the head of the household, and a girls place was in the home, the aspiration of most of the girls around me was to marry and have children.
    Hated it all, did not want to wear makeup, high heels, dresses or skirts, but I did, and didn't tell anyone I liked girls, as I would go to hell. I ran straight from home to uni, into the arms of my first real boyfriend who promised to look after me, I agreed, I was lonely and he convinced me that I needed him. Once again I found myself having to wear very feminine clothes. I really tried. I had almost all of my clothes chosen for me, If I bought clothes and they were not liked, I'd be ridiculed, laughed at, I wasn't feminine enough, why cant I wear make up? Why cant I wear heels? I'd be given presents of clothes that were two sizes two small, even when I wore trousers, why isn't my top fitted why is it baggy? I would be sent back inside to change if I left the house with something on that wasn't liked.
    I began to second guess myself whenever I needed clothes, shopping caused me anxiety, I would buy clothes I thought would be liked, that would look pretty on me, then when I got home refuse to wear them and hide them in my wardrobe.
    After my divorce, the anxiety remains with clothes.
    My issue is what do I do now? I recently came to terms with being bisexual, and I just want to feel like me. The problem is even at my age I don't actually know what me feels like. I know I am not feminine in the traditional sense, although I have started to wear nail varnish and had my ears pierced a few days ago, I don't want to dress like a man but I also don't want to dress like a woman. I am confused.
     
  2. Prisma

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    It sounds like a restrictive environment in your childhood and marriage. Your ex husband sounds controlling. I don't think we have to wear clothes that fit a certain gender. Now, I think I mostly dress for myself. I think you need to explore and give yourself permission to make you your own choices. Find out what colors, textures, patterns, you're drawn to. Maybe window shop for awhile, or try things but you don't have to buy it right away. I think if you do this for awhile you'll get a sense of your own style. Maybe bring a friend for support and feedback, but mainly listen to yourself. It's in there, what you like, what you want, it's up to you, and now you can express yourself. Take your time. There's no rush. :slight_smile:
     
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  3. chicodeoro

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    Oh Redmelon, what a constricted upbringing you've had. This is what feminism has been fighting for such a long time - the freedom to wear whatever we want, regardless of men's opinions!

    Prisma makes some good suggestions. Not sure how much this helps, but in the early days after my gender revelation I'd make a mental note of women whom I thought looked stylish and think about how that look would work for me as a slender 5ft 8 transgirl. Bit by bit I put together a new wardrobe. A friend of mine really helped - we still go on shopping trips together and because she has more experience in the field, very often she's able to spot something that will work on me.

    Hope this helps, good luck!

    Beth x
     
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  4. Redmelon

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    Yes constricted is one way of looking at it. I did try to wear my own clothes as a teen, but was strongly encouraged that makeup and dressing up so guys would want to date me was encouraged. As to being married, yes my ex was controlling amongst other things. So taking the advice, I had a long hard look at my wardrobe and collected the bags of clothes that I have bought but have not warn, and gave them all away. My wardrobe is lighter and I feel less guilty without all the clothes there I know I didn't want. Still deciding on what I want to wear, as much as I am still deciding who I am, which at my age feels a little silly. But now I know what I don't want.
     
  5. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Hi Redmelon, that isn't silly at all!

    I had a tough time as a teenager and young adult... Very, very closeted, and very mentally unwell. I've told some people that I'm quite honestly going through my teenage years, now, over 10 years later. I got my ears pierced 5 years ago, started buying clothes I ACTUALLY LIKED (not just clothes that made me "look straight") ...It definitely still feels a little weird!

    Now this is the part that may sound silly: I always pick out clothes that "speak to me" ...First impressions, right? I feel like if it doesn't catch your eye almost immediately, it may not be for you. Trust what your instinct is telling you!

    I might be a little weird though... but it's helped me recently. I hope it helps you too!! :peace:
     
    #5 PrettyBoyBlue, Aug 2, 2022
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2022
  6. tommyj

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    I find myself a jeans and t-shirt kind of guys. I too, find myself buying things that are different and look good in the store, but when I get home I find myself wearing jeans and a T again. Clothes have always been werird for me. I think I need some good gay friends to help dress me for a bit to get confident in my clothing choices.

    BTW - I also grew up in religous family and felt the same way.
     
  7. JacobC

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    I’m sorry you haven’t had the chance to explore who you are and how you want to express yourself before, but I am happy you are now and I don’t think it’s ever too late to do that and its definitely not silly. I have started to figure out what I want to try recently, but am waiting to feel comfortable enough to try things more publicly. In the mean time I am slowly trying things just for myself. What I have done is created boards on Pinterests because there are so many different ideas there and it’s a good way to get a clear visual idea of what you would like to try even before you go into a store so you can relax a little more or maybe you could try and order something online.

    You say that you don’t want to dress lika a man or a woman and I feel that what Prisma said about that you don’t have to wear clothes that fit a certain gender is true and that mindset have been helpful to me. When I think about wearing nail polish for example and think of is as something that would make be perceived more like a woman I don’t like it and I feel like its not me. But when I think of it as something that I think looks good I think it’s great, thought I have yet to feel comfortable enough to wear it out. For me when I have thought too much about how people will perceive me I can easily loose what I like. Just try and find some fun in it.
     
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  8. Redmelon

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    I am sorry about your tough times as a teenager and young adult, but am glad that you have found your stride.
    Hahah I actually got my ears repierced two weeks ago after many many years, and I have started to wear nail varnish, very dark blue or black the colour of choice.
    Choosing clothes that actually speak to me is a great idea. I think it will allow me to just slow down and really think about if I will actually wear an item or not. Thank you.
     
  9. Redmelon

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    Yeah religious families can be a blessing or a curse, seriously, mind games that do not let you express who are.
    I seriously understand about buying thing, I see something think great, buy it or even try it on in the changing room, but once home I know I wouldn't wear it. I fall into the pattern of buying safe clothes that look all the same so I won't be looked at, but I don't like them.
    Yeah, I think having good gay friends would be great to go shopping with, pity I don't know any. I also think confidence is the key, I'd love to buy some.
     
  10. Redmelon

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    Its great that you are figuring things out, glad I'm not the only one, a Pinterest board sounds like it could be fun, I do find clothes shopping stressful, I prefer to go as soon as the shop opens to avoid crowds. Shoes I think I could order online, with clothes I like to feel the material and see the sizes I am buying, sizes seem to be different in every store I go into these days. Once more confident I could give that ago.
    I also think too much about how people will perceive me, will I be judged on the school run it I wear vastly different clothes than what they see me in. It also takes the joy out of it for me, but thinking of clothes as just clothes not male or female is quite freeing, I think I will look in all areas instead of sticking to what I am used to.
     
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