Lost..

Ended a long term relationship I've been in since right out of high school. I'm scared and lost and have no support. No family/no friends.. I'm still living with him while trying to get on my feet.
It hasn't been the happiest or healthiest relationship to say the least...
I've been battling with my sexuality the entire way through it and at some point last week (alone and scared or not) I snapped. I just want better for myself and my life. I haven't had any contact with anyone else other then him in probably years now. I have a terrible relationship with my family and I reached out for help getting out of the relationship and they basically left me on my own.
I live in my head and my day to day consists of cleaning cooking and dissociating. I have checked out for a large chunk of my life to get through all of the trauma and I want to wake up now.
I have tried to reach out for help throughout my life when I was a kid. No one listened. And as an adult people listen less. I'm lost. I haven't had a friend/support. In years. I have pushed myself so far away from myself I don't know how to even admit I'm lesbian. I have shamed myself because others shamed me and now I think I believe it.. Im desperate for a friend..

 

Thank you.. I'm in tears and the last couple weeks I've felt that bad decision looming over head. My last ditch effort was to reach out for help and see if anything came of it. I'm just feeling hopeless and stuck. I've always been the one to pull others out the mud and now I sit alone and in the hardened clay everyone left behind after I helped them out. I'm hoping I can find the strength and support to get up and move forward. Thank you for your time and kind words

 

No s

No seriously as sad as it sounds any form of kindness is making me realize how much I needed ANYTHING. So seriously thank you.
I have been so isolated and out of touch with the world that until now I hadn't realized how bad it truly was.
Subconsciously yes or I wouldn't be here but consciously I walk around like everything is fine. When in fact not having a single person to talk to other then my boyfriend or occasionally my parents for over a year... Neither of which can have anything past casual conversation because if emotions get involved they are so emotionally stunted they turn off like a light switch. Which in turn leaves me feeling as if I've done something wrong by feeling.
So to cope I became an emotionless robot like them while slowly dying inside becoming a literal shell of a human being.. And to even be able to acknowledge I can't stand men and am still with one for the time being let me chuck that weight off my chest.
So no nothing is to cheesy and quite literally anything helps right now. Especially someone validating any form of emotions I have and being there even for the briefest of moments in the loneliness. Thank you
Sorry for getting so deep there but that's the only truth I have to tell at the moment lol..

 

Thank you David and to be honest I'm scared shitless. Completely terrified of going out in the world. Not only trying to openly come out as liking my same sex but in general.
I went from crap childhood and parents to a very heavy dysfunctional relationship. My mom basically created life long Stockholm syndrome that I broke free from her and without realizing it dove right into with my boyfriend. I thought it was something it wasn't and I thought I was being freed from the abuse. It turned out to be just as bad in many ways.
I have to give him some credit to the ways he was there for me. BUT it did not make up for the amount I endured and what brought me here today.

In my broken also dysfunctional and heavily abused mind I did things to keep myself safe that I now realize broke me further.
I had to stop working to keep up with his insecurities that I believed we're my fault. I lost all my friends. I moved away moved again and moved again.

I'm now at a point where no matter how scared I want a better life. I studied so much about phycology/abuse/trauma. And it's what snapped me out and woke me up enough to say I'm done.

All the while I'm very much attracted to females. I guess I should be calling him my ex. He told me lesbians/bisexuals we're gross. Years later I find out he finds it very attractive he just told me that so I wouldn't cheat on him. Okay thanks for the years of added shame.

Long story short. I'm trying to figure out how to leave. I never thought I'd be in this situation so I kept quite for a very very long time and just suffered in silence and embarrassment of what was happening to me.
I don't know any social skills I'm scared to leave the house even to take the trash out. Idk how to get a job or how to get into an apartment by myself. I don't have any means money or anyone to help.
My physical health is worse then my mental with all my aliments and I'm scared .. I'm really fucking scared... I'm sorry for verbally vomiting on this thread but wow I needed to get that out. I'm terribly sorry

 

I'll probably sound like a broken record eventually. But having someone who cares is huge for me right now. I truly haven't had contact with anyone for years let alone someone who gives a crap. So YOU don't apologize and I thank you
I appreciate you and your words of encouragement. Honestly through everything I've been through and the trauma I carry. I'm afraid and half feeling like this is to good to be true and there's a catch and people don't actually just care like this for no reason.
As much as I need help with a million other things in my life and have no idea what I'm doing going to do or how to get to the next step. I really just came here for support.
I have to move out get a job and do what I was supposed to do at 18 at now almost 25. So to not have to be totally alone and terrified doing it is what I'm looking for I think. I know your family and friends are supposed to be there for you through good bad hard and any other times in your life but I truly have no one. And it wasn't until recently how truly depressed I was from it started sinking in.
I know it sounds silly and really depressing but I stopped the other day and thought if I died no one would care. And the few people like my parents and ex it would probably take them years to even find out I died. And then would THEY even care?
And that's when I realized I needed to find people friends family anything because that's a sadness I don't wish on anyone ..

 

I will be 25 in a about a month. And I feel you on everything you said. As much as I need others in my circle to be there for me I also want to reciprocate that! I truly am craving building long lasting connections with others. You have to start somewhere might as well be some random people you met online and build from there right lol. I truly mean it when I say you reach out to me too it doesn't help as much when someone just does something or tries to be there for someone one sided. The connections build when you're there for each other and have each other's back. Let's make some dumb mistakes together and make each other feel a little less like shit about ourselves everyday? Lol you seem like a good person and deserve to have someone have your back to

 

I fortunately don't have children with him. But I do have 6 years and the shame you speak of built up like a damn in my heart. I knew I wasn't straight deep DEEP down but the shame kept me here and made me hate myself in ways I never should have. I was grossed out by the thoughts in my head that would come up. My heart literally aches for you because I feel on such a deep level what you're talking about. Until I can figure out how to get out of here I am still living with him right now. We both know it's over and it's growing more awkward for me the longer I stay in his house. One day I hope to look back at this and not feel it like an open wound.
I am also here for you as well if you need to unload anything

 

M

An do I understand that!! It is very awkward and a lot of guilt and shame hovers around and I think that's what this time is about now for people like us. Figuring out how to rid ourselves of it because it's a heavy ass weight we aren't meant to be carrying.
And with the intimacy I get that but in reverse. He always forgot about it like it wasn't really a thing and I think that's what jogged me into realizing I was just craving it because it was all I had but not what I actually wanted ! So even though it hurt for many years that he just wasn't interested in sex or anything it also helped me wake the heck up and see I didn't want it from him anyways.
And thank you in many ways I am already proud because no one I've know or anyone in my family had the guts to get out of a long term unhealthy relationship let alone try to live for themselves being themselves. I wish that for you too

 

Yes thank you I do feel more uplifted for sure.
And I truly thought all eggs in one basket meant dedication but it doesn't it's just harmful. It's fantastic feeling to reach out and have others reach back. There's always that fear doubt and other normal emotions but once it ends up working once or twice I guess it shows anything is possible.
I keep having to remind myself and take the reminders that I'm still young. Feeling so stuck for long and the things I've been through/ my physical healtg. I felt 4 times my age. But I'm not people are doing amazing things into their 60's/70's etc. Life's not over yet so I gotta stop acting like it lol.
I'm shy and not at all shy at the same time so if someone else is shy. Well I'll usually be the one to pull them out of that shell.
If you'd ever like a chat I'm here

 

Aw man.. that literally hits me on a very deep levels. I truly relate to what you're saying. And it's the first time I've heard it said. Not be myself in my head. By someone else. I am truly sorry you had to go through that because I so so get it more then you know but I really appreciate you being able to open up to me like that it helps me so much you are very brave. And yes honestly I love it here !