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I feel very unhappy in life

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by poohbearxo, Jun 26, 2022.

  1. poohbearxo

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    I am 24, F and over the past year I've realised that I'm a lesbian, instead of bisexual that I previously believed. All the signs were there, but I guess over the years I subconsciously ignored the signs due to fear. I never thought I could be gay, I am very femme presenting, and my parents always drilled it into me that any LGBT people in our teens would always turn out straight in the end and that it was always a phase. Because of that, I never really made the time or effort to question my sexuality because I figured I was too young to know. I didn't want to make a mistake and then have to come out later in life as straight because my parents would be like 'I told you so!' and laugh.

    I started questioning my sexuality at about 13 years of age. I realised during this time I was sexually attracted to females, but never particularly questioned this, and kept believing I was straight and this was just some weird quirk I had. By the time I was 15, I started getting crushes on girls that were really intense. I recognised they were crushes, but chalked it up to me being bisexual and clinging onto any hope that I was attracted to men. During this time I had my first girlfriend in secret. I knew back then that I really liked her, but I was deeply afraid of my feelings so I made a conscious effort to never pursue any female in that way ever again, and decided I wanted to be straight.

    During this time I started dating my current boyfriend. He was a good friend of mine and we got along very well. To keep long story short, I've never felt sexual attraction to him, it was/is incredibly horrible being intimate and I always pushed through by thinking to myself 'if other girls can have sex with me then so can I'. We had our ups and downs in our relationship throughout the years, but he is a great friend of mine. The issue is that we are going to buy a house together soon. We have a sizeable amount of money saved up, and I am feeling more and more trapped and suffocated as time goes on. I know there is a way out, but I am too petrified to change anything. I want a happy life with a man, I want children, I want to live a heteronormative life. I just wish my feelings for women would disappear. I know the path I am going down will lead me in a life of misery and depression, and when I'm on my deathbed this is the one thing I will regret with all of my heart, but I see no other way out. I don't want to be looked down on in disgust by my family, I don't want to be the odd one out, the one they have to force themselves to look at me in the same way. I just want to be normal.

    A few years ago I met this girl at work, and I was instantly attracted to her. In a way that no man has ever made me feel. It was instant and I knew in that moment I was a lesbian, and there was no denying it. In my own little bubble and my own little world, being with her would make me happy and whole in a way no other could, but that enough isn't worth throwing my whole life upside down. I don't see the benefit. Part of me is intrigued by how my life could have worked out and how happy I could have been if I was true to myself and my sexuality from a young age, I could maybe be very happy, but that's at a cost.

    To cope with all these suffocating feelings, I sometimes like to write out how I feel in my journal, and my brother saw a journal entry explaining my feelings for this girl at work. I told him the truth about my feelings, but that I don't want him to tell the rest of my family. I don't particularly trust my brother, the other month he blackmailed me and said that if I didn't do something for him then he'd tell everyone my secret. I just wish he forgot all about it, that I can carry on leading a straight life. I don't want anything to change. My happiness doesn't mean that much to me that I feel compelled to come out and leave everything behind. I feel very suicidal and paranoid constantly. I am worried that everyone will find out and my life will fall apart. I can't lose my boyfriend, I can't lose my family. All my life I've had this massive weight on my shoulders. Every worry, anxiety, depressive feeling I have ever had over the years is due to my sexuality. It is a massive part of my life, but I just can't and don't want to change it.

    Do you have any advice?
     
  2. Rainbow64

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    You have come to the right place to talk about this. There are many others on this site that have been in the exact same place that you have. I know it seems like there is no way out, but as many of us can attest, life gets so much better when you are true to yourself. You are still young and you have the opportunity to avoid the mistakes many of us made by staying closeted and getting married to the wrong gender. Deep down, you know what you want but you're scared. I completely relate to that.

    As far as advice goes, consider finding a therapist who works with lgbtq+ people. Someone who can help you feel more comfortable with your identity. Secondly, tell your boyfriend that any future plans together need to be put on hold. Ultimately, he deserves to know the truth. You are a lesbian, and that is a beautiful wonderful sexual identity that should be enjoyed fully without shame or regret.
    Please know that while coming out takes courage and yes, some loss, it is worth it. You have a great life ahead of you. Live it to the fullest
     
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  3. Robyn mac

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    I agree with Rainbow 100%. That is great advise.
    You will have regrets all your life . You will be depresssed and maybe divorce will be your way out. Coming out can. stop you from making a mistake. You may hurt peoples feeling now but it is still early for you. Brother can't blackmail you, parents will come around at some point. Boyfriend will get over it as he is young.
    Yes you can still have children as a lesbian couple. There is nothing wrong with that. But most of all you can be happier for the rest of your life which is a very long time .
     
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  4. bsg75apollo

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    No one can tell you what to do, but I do have to tell you is that any discomfort or fear you feel about coming out is going to be less traumatic than what you will feel if you continue down the path you are on. Being your real self will be so much better than any fantasy heteronormative life.
     
  5. cornersky

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    @poohbearxo, congratulations, you have already taken the first and most important step; acknowledging your true feelings to yourself. I waited until my 60s and have some regrets not living out life openly as a young person. Take this from someone nearly 40 years older than you. You are so young (even though posting in this forum indicates you feel otherwise). You still have a full life ahead filled with tremendous possibility to live out your true self. Go at your own pace and don't let others define the right time to come out. You need a safe place to openly share what is on your heart. That may be here for now, but try to talk with a qualified therapist who works with lgbtq+ people. If I could go back in time to your age, there is little doubt I would have made different choices. Consider the possibility you still can live out your life free of fear and shame about who you are. Consider the possibility of happiness, acceptance, and love in your life. You may of heard the saying, "The night is always darkest before dawn." Start seeking the light on your horizon. You have no idea how much life still is ahead of you.
     
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  6. Jakebusman

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    The hardest part for me was accepting myself especially after all I heard.
     
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  7. silverhalo

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    Therapy is a great idea. Have you watched the documentary on Kelly Holmes? If not I think you should consider it. I totally understand your wanting the heteronormative life but honestly you have a boyfriend now and it really isnt making you happy is it.
    I think the problem is your brain has associated happiess with heteronormality and being gay with turmoil and losing everything. I think you should just take it a step at a time you dont have to dump your boyfriend and come out to everyone all in one go, just be kind to yourself and take it a step at the time.
     
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  8. Prisma

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    You deserve to be happy and accepted as your true self.i agree with others that it would be good to have a therapist you can open up to and accepting parties that support you. Welcome to EC.
     
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  9. trailrider

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    4 times. I have been married 4 times, and yes I am still in my fourth marriage. I just wanted to live a "normal life". If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I would tell him to stop looking for relationships and just enjoy every other aspect of life. I can tell you from absolute experience that if you are in a relationship with someone and don't feel comfortable telling him EVERYTHING about yourself, than you are already cracking the foundation of the relationship. I agree with the advice from others on here. Go find a great counselor or life coach. I did and it changed everything for me.
     
  10. BiGemini87

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    You've gotten some great input already, but I think @silverhalo hit the nail on the head: you've associated heteronormativity with happiness and homosexuality with despair. It's understandable that your subconscious has made this connection, considering this is the message most often given to non-straight people when they go against the status quo. But in reality, it isn't being gay that's making you miserable, but the way people might/will treat you when they find out. So in other words, it's not you--it's them.

    I know you're scared. I know change is nerve-wracking even at the best of times...but you need to do what's right for you. You can't live the life someone else would have you live; this is your life, and you need to live it in the way that will make you most happy. And however well you and your boyfriend get along, living life with him as your partner isn't it. You'd be living a lie, and that lie ultimately will be so much heavier on your soul; you know this, you've said so yourself that it will be your regret on your deathbed if you continue down this path.

    The truth is, 24 isn't that old. I know it's later than some for coming out, but it's also early compared to others. You still have time to live the life you want to live, and you're old enough not to let your parents, brother, or anyone else decide for you what that life should comprise of.

    You don't have to come out right away. You don't have to tell everyone. But you do need to start taking the steps towards changing your life's course, because you're not happy, and living a hetero lifestyle will only make that so much worse. Please, however scary it may be, don't let them dictate who or what you should be.
     
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  11. dirtyshirt84

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    I totally relate to how scary it is. When I was younger I thought my parents would disown me for being bi/gay but now I realise that was never the case. I’m sorry your parents dismissed being gay as a phase and I just wanted to say they may react much better than you imagine, or at least come round in time.

    I would also second what others have said, take one step at a time. Don’t feel pressured into anything.

    You are still so young and have your whole life ahead of you. You’ll get to where you need to be :slight_smile:
     
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  12. CL1990

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    i am so sorry you are feeling trapped right now. you could break down what “needs to happen” for you to get out of the situation you are currently in so that its more manageable and scary. Perhaps coming out rn is not an option that you want to pursue and that is ok. an alternative for right now might be to tell your bf you need some time to think and put a hold on buying your house.

    That might give you some breathing space to think about your next action to take! i send you a big hugg!!
     
  13. Bastion

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    I agree with most of what’s been said but I want to talk a bit about my experience as well. This is what it feels like for me also thats why I relate. I wanted to be heteronormative all my life even though am not completely straight. But I still can’t pull off a different life. A hetero marriage and kids is the norm because everyone in my close environment is not even a bit different. The one time I decided I wanted to change my life and started taking some steps towards that. I met the wrong kind of people who used and abused the trust I had in them. So wasn’t a good experience. So it kind of backfired and I associated anything that is not heteronormative as negative. I don’t think this is right but I can’t help it sometimes because of anxiety, and fear. What if I went on this path and gave up everything only to find another kind of disappointment. It’s not easy. That being said you are still younger than me. Maybe counseling and better support than I had will do you good and help you decide. Also you are still not married and you don’t have kids. It’s much easier to work this through now than later. Whichever the outcome maybe.