What to say when asked why you can’t be in a platonic marriage?

I have had this discussion with my Dad several times, where he asks why I can’t just be with a woman in a platonic marriage and raise kids with her. He says there’s more to marriage than sex (as if I didn’t already know that).

It seems like nothing I say sinks in because it continues to come up. Is there a way to reply that might get through to him? I don’t want to say necessarily that what he’s saying is hurtful and invalidating, even though I feel that it is, because I don’t want to come across as overly sensitive in his eyes.

This is not something that has been super problematic for our relationship because it doesn’t come up that often, but it’s irritating when it does. It feels like he’s perpetually stuck in the bargaining stage of grief/loss. Any suggestions would be welcome.

 

I appreciate that. I am sorry you have to deal with that, but it is nice to know you’re not alone

 

I think from his perspective it’s better to sacrifice personal happiness for the sake of continuing on the family line, but I already decided when I came out that I wasn’t going to do that. But at the end of the day it feels like he’s just not comfortable with his son being gay, and it doesn’t seem like he’s trying to come to terms with it.

I’m actually fine with him being comfortable or not comfortable with it, but what’s irritating is having to defend myself for just being who I am and wanting to live honestly and with integrity. It would be like him having to defend himself for liking women, which no one would question him about (straight privilege).

But at the end of the day it’s not up to me to make him ok with it. What I can do, though, is say that I’ve said my peace about this and I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I can tell he’s not trying to be a jerk or belligerent when he talks about it, and a part of me also wants to keep the lines of communication open. It’s more so after the conversation is over that I feel invalidated and, frankly, hurt.

 

I should add that my brother has two kids so it’s not like the lineage rests solely on my shoulders. I’ve talked about still wanting kids with a male partner, but I feel like that desire is weaponized against me because it would be “so much easier” to have kids with a woman.

I’ve pretty much determined that it’s probably better to not even talk about wanting kids anymore because I don’t want to deal with the pushback. Sad, but that’s just my reality.

 

Just to clarify, I’ve talked about having my own kid or kids through IVF while with a male partner, hence the pushback about it being easier with a woman. Ironically, part of my personal motivation for wanting kids is to continue the blood line, so I guess the apple doesn’t fall that far from the tree. If my only option were to adopt I would probably just as soon skip having kids altogether and be fine with that.

This thread is kind of turning into a different topic, but all that to say I can kind of see where he’s coming from. Nevertheless, I did already decide when I came out that I wasn’t going to sacrifice my personal happiness or live dishonestly for the sake of continuing the family line, so it’s kind of a moot point in my mind (not his, though, apparently).