I came out to my father 1.5 years ago. The reaction was not good. He said he was disappointed, had no interest in meeting any future partners, but wouldn’t disown me and still loved me. Since then, he has refused to engage with family members advocating on my behalf - once stating to my brother that “oh you’re on her side” (as though it is an argument…) and saying some pretty awful things about it to my mother - and over time I have grown resentful. He has made no effort and has requested my mother tell no one. Recently she said she would no longer be complicit in this and refuses to do so as she must support me. Shortly after I came out to him, there was a brief exchange where he lamented how hard it was on him. In that moment I felt a loss of respect; that his concern was wholly for himself, with no concern for me / his daughter (especially as I had a very difficult experience coming out and kept it from my parents for 7 years or so because I thought he would respond badly). On my most recent birthday he rang me and chatted about how great it was my youngest brother had a new girlfriend that was staying in the house with them. Meanwhile my girlfriend of 18 months was not welcome at the house at Xmas and instead welcomed at my aunt’s house. I suppose my real issue is that I feel increasingly resentful and, at times, something akin to hatred, if not hatred. I feel guilty about that. I feel I may hate my own father. I find him selfish and resent him making what is already hard even more difficult. I am also unsure about how I approach my relationship with him going forward. Or whether I even want to. But he is not young and I am concerned I may regret it if I allow the relationship to disintegrate any further. Sorry for stream of consciousness.
Sometimes it is necessary to assert boundaries in our relationships with other people, even if those people are close family members like our parents and I would suggest this is a sitaution where boundaries are necessary unless or until he is prepared to do some personal work on his issues with your sexuality. When we come out to parents and family members it is normal for them to go through a range of emotions, including anger, denial, bargaining until they eventually reach a place of acceptance. All of this can take some time, but in your dad's case he isn't even prepared to entertain the idea of exploring those feelings or moving forward 18 months later and is even hostile to family members who take a different view. If he was struggling, but trying, I would suggest maintaining as good a relationship as possible while he continues to work on it, but his self interest and refusal to engage makes it hard to see a way forward. I wouldn't suggest getting into a hostile confrontation with him, but you may need to make it clear that you are setting certain boundaries in your relationship with him because it's in such a broken state. Make it clear that you remain available and you are willing to work with him to achieve a better understanding and renewal of your relationship, but until then the boundaries will remain. I wouldn't go as far as no contact whatsoever because that burns all the bridges, but you must decide what is okay and what isn't okay and communicate these boundaries clearly to him. For example: "It's okay for you to disagree, but it's not okay for you push your point of view without listening to mine". Setting boundaries will not be received well, but you should do it anyway. At this stage your resentment is such that you have nothing to lose by setting some boundaries with him. Leave the door open, but don't weaken on the boundaries.
Thanks for your very helpful and generous reply. As my father ignores the issue altogether unless prompted, I’m not sure what my boundary with him would be in these circumstances. I would find it difficult to broach the subject myself. Even though I am assertive in my professional life, I find the idea of a direct conversation with him on the subject intimidating and somewhat excruciating.
So much, as LGBTQ people, we find ourselves swallowing more than we should in favor of keeping things "civil" and "comfortable." I can't tell you how many times I've been given looks or been told, point blank, that I can't be me here because it'll ruin it for everyone else or, flatly, it won't be safe. In other words, we are the ones who have to suffer the burdens of being embarrassed, uncomfortable, marginalized, and passed-over, again and again, so that everyone else can keep their bigotry, biases, and cognitive dissonance intact. The majority sucks, but it's harder for them to change than it is for the minority to just... shut up and deal with it, right? It's really, really, REALLY hard not to resent that kind of ubiquitous anti-logic. To be honest, it sounds like you have more complicated feelings on it, but I'm through being someone I'm not for the comfort of people who don't love me. Even if they're blood, I'm not obligated to show them respect and appreciate when it is not reciprocated whatsoever; that's not a healthy relationship and no one who really loves me would ever ask me to undertake that for them. The same is true of you. It's true of anyone. We can get mixed up sometimes and hurt people we love without meaning to, but he's had a year and a half to square with this, and all he can do is be a big baby who screams and cries because he's not getting his way. @PatrickUK makes a terrific point about setting boundaries, and he's also very right that won't go over well. When you start setting up boundaries with people who previously had none, they tend to throw their dummy a bit, so to speak. Where they once had free reign, they now have to monitor what they say and do. Narcissists especially tend not to like that, though I can't say that's what your father is for sure. "You not accepting my bigotry towards you and people you love hurts my feelings," sure sounds like something a narcissist would say, though.
Hi Crunchy, I've got to be blunt here - your father sounds like an arsehole. And some fathers are. I know mine was. It took me until my mid 20s to realise that he would never become the dad I always, sometimes desperately, wanted him to be. Yes, I know that feeling. Both myself and my brother (who's gay himself) went through all of this - the hate, the guilt. Eventually, you realise that you just cannot change some people. You just have to find an accommodation with it and a way to rub along together, if that is at all possible. I would concentrate on maintaining a good relationship with the other members of your family. Beth x
