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Self Hatred

Discussion in 'General Support and Advice' started by TinyWerewolf, May 17, 2022.

  1. TinyWerewolf

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    Well I didn't know which forum to put this in, considered making this anonymous, and this will likely be me just venting. Please go easy on me here, opening up is hard for me.

    I really hate myself, so much if I were someone else and saw myself on the street I'd punch him at minimum. The kid I was growing up was weak, physically strong but mentally too weak to stand up to my bullies. I'm finding myself stuck in a variation of this same exact rut I was in years ago but with my parents now. Who was I to think I could be better than them, that they would eventually change? Why have I allowed myself to be trampled on?

    I am so angry with myself for attempting to be nice at the cost of myself. I buried pieces of myself, and now as I'm getting older I'm uncovering them for the first time. It is clear to me now I had gender dysphoria and shoved it down so deep that I tried to become something I never truly was. I realized the extent a couple days ago, and that may not even be the full extent yet. I'm left to clean up the mess I let others turn me into. Those feelings that I am worthless and wrong- wrong for being a trans man rather than a cis man, for being bi, for being short, for the way my brain works, for loving people- I wasn't born feeling inadequate, stupid, or mistrusting myself. I'm left to fix my brokeness or continue being broken.
     
  2. TinyWerewolf

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    Sorry for the rant, this is probably something I should mention to the therapist I just started seeing.
     
  3. PrettyBoyBlue

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    Hi Jack, I definitely don't think you have anything to apologize for here... especially if you're really trying to open up.

    I really identified with a lot of what you said. I'm still sorting through that myself, so I probably don't have great advice to give... I worry that I'm being naive here, but I still firmly believe that there's a way to live where we can be who we want to be, and others can be who they want to be (i.e, your parents) and no one has to lose out. Ultimately that could mean putting some distance between you, as much as it's possible in your situation. I had to do so, in different degrees, with both of my parents, for different reasons.

    We all care about you here and I hope you can use this space to recover those pieces and be who you want to be.
     
  4. TinyWerewolf

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    It's like sifting through sand to find a shard of glass, and when you do find that piece you'd shoved beneath the sand you have to decide what to do with it. That's where I am. Even with these little shards in my hand I still hear my family's words- telling me I'm faking this because I'd unconciously shoved these pieces in the sand. I just want the truth and to be myself.

    I'm sorry you're going through this process too, it's frustrating and difficult at times.
     
  5. bsg75apollo

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    First, I have to sat this about your comment. Have you ever seen the Birdcage? In one scene Nathan Lane is ranting at Robin Williams.
    Albert: I was adorable once. Young and full of hope. And now look at me: I’m this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged thing!
    Armand: I made you short?

    Your short comment reminded me of this. Obviously in the movie, this is meant to be absurd because there is no way that Armand can be blamed for Albert's height. I think that you are doing something similar. You are blaming yourself for something that is out of your control You can't be blaming yourself for your height, your gender, or your sexuality that is out of your control any more than I can control my own sexuality. It was already hardwired before I even had a concept of it.

    However, what you do have control over is setting boundaries including those you set with yourself. We all do the best that we can with the skills and tools that we have at any given time, whether it is just because of our developmental stage or the hand that we are dealt. I too have had difficulty setting boundaries with others and with blaming and beating up myself. It's a change, but I am working on that.

    So in summary, cut yourself some slack, forgive yourself, stop blaming yourself, and set some boundaries. You deserve better.
     
    #5 bsg75apollo, May 18, 2022
    Last edited: May 18, 2022
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  6. TinyWerewolf

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    I haven't seen The Birdcage but I kind of know the premise, and once I'm free I'm turning a day into a movie marathon where I watch all the LGBTQIA+ movies that I wanted to but couldn't here.

    As for my height, that's dysphoria and part of where I was made fun of talking. It was mostly guys who liked me making the short comments but it bothered me so much deep down. I don't really stick out from my family because we're all short (except my brother in law). I know there's nothing inherently wrong with it, but it does make life more difficult. Here's one example: if I want guy shoes I'll have to get a size too big or go to the kids department (where they likely won't have the style I was after). I wear a size six in men's, which most boot companies don't make. Another problem there is dating, a lot of women (and men too) want a strong and tall guy- the strength I have, the height I don't. I have to climb shelves at stores to reach what I need at times too, but that's not as big of an issue as the first two.

    My gender, sexuality, and being on the Autism spectrum (just barely, I luckily fly under the radar of the general public with ease now- I'm almost 'normal') are what messed me up. Mostly how the majority of my classmates treated me like a puppet for their amusement for about eight years is where a lot of my trauma comes from. Puberty added to that pain, and was traumatizing on its own. Some of the coping methods I developed were unhealthy to say the least. I'm trying to undo this mindset where I beat myself up, but at times it gets the upper hand. I know how to set boundaries with friends and partners, not so much with family though. They tend to cross my boundaries, and if I tell them so they think they're entitled to do so because they're family. I want a close relationship with them, but some things I just like kept private. One thing my mom did before I was trapped here really bothers me still when it comes to that.
     
  7. bsg75apollo

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    if it is any consolation, I get intimidated by guys taller than me so I am more attracted to shorter guys. I'm only 5'7"
     
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  8. TinyWerewolf

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    It does a little actually, I'm about 5'2" barefoot. I get insecure about all kinds of stuff, most of it is probably stupid in all honesty.
     
  9. Mirko

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    Hi there! I don't think that the insecurities you are experiencing are stupid. Underlying the insecurities, is likely a lack of confidence in your own skin, in your own being.

    You are being too hard on yourself and I wonder if the expectations you have of yourself, coupled with the difficulties you have dealt with and encountered thus far, only lead you further into the cycle that you are finding yourself in. In some respects, you are worrying about the things you can't control more so than they deserve to be worried about.

    The questions I would have for you are:
    • do you believe that you are worthy of love and belonging?
    • have you ever placed yourself first, and said to yourself, I want to live my life, and I am going to do the things I need to do to live that life?
     
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  10. TinyWerewolf

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    The answer to both questions (honestly) would be no. Man you just saw right through me haha.
     
  11. chicodeoro

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    Oh Jack, I wish I could put my arms around you and give you a big hug right now.

    You're a young trans man going through a tough time, living under very difficult circumstances - of course you feel sh***y. There's the dysphoria, which sucks, obviously. There's the situation with your parents, which, well, for the moment is what it is. There's heartbreak too. And you're also navigating your way to being a man at a moment in human history when big questions about masculinity are under the microscope as never before.

    So with all that to deal with it's ok to feel crap sometimes. But like others here, I feel you're being too hard on yourself - cut yourself some slack.

    You are absolutely not wrong for being any of those things. And never ever apologise for loving and thinking the best of people. Being cynical, never having the guts to open yourself up to love and the wonderful possibilities (and pain) it can bring, is the easy option. Life's true heroes are people like you who carry on, ever after they've had their heart broken.

    And you absolutely worthy of love - you're an intelligent, articulate and creative man and you're going to do some amazing things in your life!

    Big hugs,

    your friend, Beth xx
     
    #11 chicodeoro, May 19, 2022
    Last edited: May 19, 2022
  12. TinyWerewolf

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    Thanks Beth, you're a really good friend. I guess being here with my parents is taking a toll on me, that and Catholic guilt (which is pretty ingrained in me from my upbringing in a Catholic school). I've only had two therapy sessions and the therapist still recognizes I need to be nicer to myself. She said something similar to you- that there's nothing wrong with me for being trans/the way I am. I'm still getting used to that information towards myself I suppose.
     
  13. Mirko

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    If you can, try to start working on both. I understand it is easier said than done, but seeing the therapist and working on recognising and accepting that there is nothing wrong with you, will help. That's a good first step in building self-worth, and realising that you are worthy of love and belonging.

    From the sounds of it, there is a lot of stuff that you need to work through, including anything that is related to your upbringing. It is okay to take the time you need.
     
  14. TinyWerewolf

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    Oh yeah, there's a ton of issues I have. You got that right too. I wish I could snap my fingers and be over it, but progress is slow.