Possibly Gay, trying to accept

That really is encouraging Brett. For years I’ve been in denial trying to push it away and live as a heterosexual even while I watched gay porn, checked out guys, fantasized about guys to get through sex with my wife….the internalized homophobia was overwhelming. I’m glad I’m now at the point of accepting that I am homosexual…I like men period. I have zero attraction to women and straight sex is not even an option anymore…I cannot do it no matter what. I find that oddly encouraging, as I see the only possibility of experiencing the joy of intimacy will be with a man.

 

Hi @out2019 - I'm sorry to hear about your trauma and neglect. I had different issues growing up, but lived in a homophobic environment for sure. And, man, I can relate to the emotional numbness. I had never heard the term until now, but it describes a significant part of my adult life. I think the longer I repressed my true sexual desires (other than masturbation), the more emotionally numb I became. I guess that's how I've survived the past 14 years of no sex! I hope to overcome this over these next months.

 

Totally get that numbness, guys. All the repressed desires and the need to hide what you really feel and what we really are. It can't help but train us to deaden parts of ourselves for survival.

 

In retrospect I too see the extent of the emotional “numbness “ I experienced.I never realized it until I developed a relationship with another man. What started as a strictly sexual relationship morphed rather quickly into an emotional one as well. I began to experience emotions I had apparently kept at bay for a lifetime. It was hard to believe the waves of emotions that overwhelmed me. I could not have imagined the depth of the emotions I experienced as I embraced fully my homosexuality. Nothing with any woman ever came even close to that gush of emotions. That I could express that emotional connection with another man was amazing.

 

Wonderful!

 

I used to fear the word "gay", if I heard it in ANY context I thought someone must be talking about me, that they MUST know my deepest secret, my deepest shame. Now I say the word gay to myself and feel such a thrill through my entire body and spirit. Just the word is a turn on.

 

I believe that reason it is a turn on is because we are finally able to be honest about who we are and who we can now openly love.

 

I get that feeling as well

 

I certainly remember those days of the feelings of paranoia that someone knew my “secret.’ It’s a great feeling to be beyond the shame and actually embrace the truth that I am gay…I love men…exclusively.