Soooo. I had came out as a lesbian to my partner (a man) and broke off our engagement a couple months ago. Then about a month ago I caved and said we could try to see if a relationship might work. He feels it's working and basically nothing has changed (I'm still working full time, he's unemployed, I'm still trying to keep up on chores while he doesn't do anything), and I know it's not working for me. Since we started trying this again I've had like zero sex drive. When we do have sex I almost always dissociate now. But! When we were broken up I felt so much better and we had great sex. So I'm thinking it's because I'm queer and now I'm feeling trapped in a relationship that isn't working, but when we broke up I felt like I could be myself finally so I was more interested in sex... But it's confusing. Also have a really hard time saying no to my partner if he wants sex but that's a whole other issue combined with codependency. Anyway I'm wondering if others here have had this happen, with dissociating during sex, particularly if it's sex with someone that doesn't align with your orientation... I'm just feeling very alone with all of this.
I think dissociation is very normal for gay people in straight relationships, when it comes to sex. Many gay people switch into fantasy mode during sex, in order to emotionally disconnect from their opposite sex partner. When you were not together you had nothing to lose so the sex took on a different kind of meaning, even if you didn't consciously see it that way. It maybe had the excitement that some people experience in hook ups. What do you think? When you are in a committed relationship, sex is (or should be) different - experienced from a more emotionally connected place. In your case that emotional connection has gone, so dissociation allows you to proceed even though your heart is no longer in it. Long term, you will not be able to keep all of this up. Giving him sex promotes the idea that things are working out, but that's clearly not the case for you. The fact that you are writing about it now suggests to me that you are in an increasingly conflicted place, so it may be necessary to have that big conversation about the future again before very long. It may seem easier to go along with it and put off a difficult conversation, but the heaviness will increase as more time passes. My best advice would be to have that conversation sooner rather than later and stick to your guns... and no sex.
Yeah it's definitely getting worse. I mean he's aware at this point that I'm dissociating a lot, not just during sex, so he hasn't been trying to initiate sex lately. He really wants me to communicate my feelings but it's REALLY difficult for me, luckily I finally have therapy set up next week so I can talk to a professional first.
PatrickUK makes such a valid point, a true relationship is made up of physical and emotional components. For a while you may be able to fake the physical by dissociation but you can’t fake the emotional component. When that’s gone it’s gone.
You’re definitely not alone. As a gay man married to a woman, I have been dissociating for years even if subconsciously but now more obviously. It also seems you have other issues in the relationship besides the sex. Certainly understandable that you have expressed he is not carrying his weight around the house. That’s too bad. It’s great your going for therapy. You’ll get the help and reassurance your looking for. I just wanted you to know you are not Alina at all. There are many of us out there.
Hey @PeachyGirl I am sorry you are having such a hard time. I think deep down you know what you need to do but sadly that doesn't make it any easier. Unfortunately the sex that you had during the 'break up' has also added a slight element of confusion into the situation which is probably because you mind is apprehensive of the big conversation that is needed and so is trying to hang onto the small glimmer of confusion brought on by the enjoyment of sex during the break up. Be kind to yourself, as you have previously stated there are more issues to your relationship than just your sexuality and by the sounds of it nothing there has changed even with this last chance situation. Be kind to yourself you deserve more, your happiness is equally important.
