Out to spouse?

You’re welcome In the meantime you have support here. Forums like this were my saviour when I was going through it all. You’re not alone.

 

Love hearing and reading everyone's journeys

 

Initially, I came out to my wife as bi 5 years ago, but then 2 years later I came out to her and everyone else as gay. I knew I was gay when I no longer had any desire to have sex with her and could only get aroused when fantasizing about men during sex. At first things were hard, but we stuck it out. Today, after 3 years of being out as a gay man, We are still together in a platonic, open marriage. We have a good friendship and we are free to see other people. Dating has actually been disappointing for both of us and we appreciate the relationship we have together as best friends. I'm sorry to hear that you and your spouse have other relationship problems. It sounds like divorce might be your best option. I wish you well in your journey toward being your authentic self

 

It is interesting that some gay men can remain with their wives in a platonic relationship. That’s great for them however I could never live that way. Once I acknowledged I was gay, I knew eventually I would need to break free of my straight relationship. It took me a very short time to cut the strings and start to live gay. No amount of fantasizing was going to work for me. It would seem sad to me to continue in a relationship that left both partners unfulfilled with neither one able to supply the other with a complete sexual and emotional relationship. For me friendship just won’t cut it.

 

I came out to myself as bisexual soon after some therapy sessions, just over four years ago. I then worked through what I’d say to my wife, running the ideas past my therapist. I realized I needed to have lots in my statement about loving her and this not changing our marriage. I came out within a couple weeks of that. Like @Nickw said, my motivation was to be honest in order to stay together with my wife.

I wasn’t prepared for her not handling it well (there is an EC post from me back then saying she was having a hard time with it). If it had been one of our kids she would have joined PFLAG and marched with the kid at a pride festival. Being me, her husband, was anything but straight really threw her off. Like @Contented found with his girlfriend, my wife said I’d lied to her all those decades ago (but back then you were either straight or gay, and I liked women, so I knew I wasn’t gay). I’d joined Empty Closets as a straight ally. I really didn’t conceal this from her, I thought I was straight all that time. She said our marriage was a lie and a whole bunch of other things as she entered the emotional roller coaster of being a straight spouse. Fortunately, I’ve always been monogamous, so there was no betrayal (well, no betrayal other than my having accepted “straight” as the label for so many decades and not telling her before I found out for myself in therapy). She broke down in tears when we had a sit-down with our children (adults - and they took it very well).

I was surprised by the negative stuff at the start of the process, but it gets better. Seeing the kids react positively was the first step for her to be more accepting. We’re still married, and marriage counseling has helped us get to other issues (my coming out was a good “presenting issue” motivating us to work on the total picture, and all aspects of marriage get improved). I’d say it was a year and a half before she could bear for any of our friends to know... so it takes time. Now we watch LGBTQ shows together, she got me a LGBTQ positive Christmas gift, and she comes to see me at my LGBTQ activity groups. I thought it would be like that immediately four years ago, but I’m glad it got to this place eventually.

 

I would like to comment about "platonic" relationships and marriage. As much as we might like to believe otherwise, many of us end up in platonic relationships as we grow old. My wife lost her sex drive, completely, about 10 years ago...30 years into our relationship. Being bisexual, I could have decided that I needed sex more than I needed my relationship with my wife. But, that was not the case. Sometimes all the other aspects of a marriage or relationship can be incredible with the exception of how we are intimate. So, those that are gay that chose to work out a relationship with their straight spouse and stay with them shouldn't be criticized. This does not make our sexuality any less valid or our relationship any less satisfying. Just as a straight person who stays with a spouse who is incapable of being intimate for some reason or another.

I've had an intimate relationship with another man for nearly four years now with the full knowledge and approval of my wife. The intimate parts of that relationship are coming to a close now as he has begun dating a guy who might be his mr. right. So, for the past couple of months I have been looking for another such friend. To be completely frank about this...I'm just not that attracted to most gay men. At first the idea that I might go through what's left of my life without sexual intimacy frustrated and worried me. But, I have come to the realization that I CAN be a bisexual and enjoy the attractions I have for men and not feel the need to be intimate with one. This is from a person with a very high sex drive for someone my age.

I believe what is most important is that we accept who we are and that we are honest with those that we love. I also feel that a marriage is a partnership where the goal is the happiness and fulfillment of both parties. This can take many forms.

 

I have been in a similar situation for five years now. I understand more about marriage (in my case a straight marriage) now than I did before. All relationships are complicated and they go through several stages sometimes back and forth. A rollercoaster if you wish. Long relationships go through a lot of changes. It’s a lot of work.
It starts with attraction, dating, romance, desire, intimacy, then starts to become more like friendship, family, children, respect, lifelong supportive partner and companion. The sex and the desire and the romance can change. Problems, arguments, fighting may occur. But for me the more time I have spent with someone. The more it feels that this is my life for better or worse. It’s not gonna really change with someone else. You get used to living your life with this partner because deep down, there is something there that brought you together. Even though sometimes i do have bisexual fantasies and other desires. I acknowledge that and I can’t change it. But I can’t change my life also.

That’s why I do understand where @DecentOne and @Nickw are saying and coming from and I relate to that a lot.

Which brings me to the conclusion or point to this particular thread. Take your time and think about things before coming to a major decision. If you have really come to a point of no return in your relationship. Then that’s that. And it may or may not be related to your sexuality. Pinpoint the bigger issue I guess and move on from there.

 

Hi Nealg - I can really relate to your post. I have been in the closet my entire adult life, and after an "epiphany" of sorts last fall, I came out as gay to my wife of 25 years a few months ago. But, the months leading up to my coming out to her were filled with anxiety about how she would react, the guilt associated with "stealing" 25 years of her life despite our raising 3 kids together. Although the way I came out was ugly (I got drunk first), my wife reacted in the opposite manner from what I feared: She was supportive and understanding, and she told me that she has known for a long time and was waiting for me to come to grips with it myself. Is it possible that your wife may think the same? And, like you, for many years, my wife has verbally denigrated me, talked down to me, and just generally discounted/dismissed everything I said and did. But, I realize that a lot of it was due to many years of frustration that I could not provide with her with the physical and emotional intimacy that she needs. I am not necessarily giving her a pass on all of it, but I have come to understand some of the reasons why. Like some of the other responders to your post, we also have an agreement to allow each other to "explore" things, and if someone or something changes the situation, we would revisit the agreement. However, I do not have a desire for us to stay together permanently. Best of luck Nealg, and please know that there are others out there going through the same thing as you (I know that this fact comforts me!)

 

I completely agree. After I came out as gay, my wife and I decided that after 30 years of good relationship and being each other’s best friend, we didn’t want to throw out all the good aspects of our marriage just because I wanted to be with men. I’m not saying it was easy, and we had to work through it together, but it has been worth it. Everyone has to do what is best for them, but my wife and I are happy and very much enjoy our life together. Sex with other people is not an issue for either one of us, and with her low sex drive she doesn’t really care about seeing other guys as much.

 

Hi nealg - Well, the signs were cumulative over a period of many years. The infrequency of intimacy started to increase after our first child was born. Things got worse after our second child, and at one point, she confronted me and asked if I was gay. I denied it profusely, mostly because I hadn't even come out to myself. We had many other marital problems, so I pointed to those as the reasons why I couldn't be intimate (the verbal abuse, for example, which was true). After the third child was born, intimacy pretty much stopped altogether and eventually, she started sleeping in another room. So, all of this built up to be a tremendous amount of guilt for me, which is why I was so fearful of telling her the truth. But as it turned out, I didn't get the reaction I painted in my head. So, maybe there is a chance that your wife would feel the same?

 

And the answer was....................... drum roll please ..............................................

 

My girlfriend once asked me. I said no but we talked for quite awhile that day and we came to the conculsion I was bi. Since her passing I came out as gay.

 

All is good she is at peace and so am I. The discovery of my sexuality has been a beautiful awaking. Because of her I am at peace also.