1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Preparing to tell my parents

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by sunbird, May 11, 2022.

  1. sunbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2021
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    When I next visit my parents, I would like to be honest and open about my divorce and my sexuality. But when I think about telling them, I’m just filled with fear and anxiety. Should I tell about both things at the same time and get it over with once and for all? Or say one thing first and then the other later?

    My folks are in their eighties now but in my mind they’re as vivid as when they were parenting me. I remember how they ”dealt” with all things gay. Was not kind.

    I’m getting such good vibes from settling into my new life. And I want them to know and at the same time, I don’t? Like, at all? I don’t really know how to go about it. Where to start and all that. I know I don’t want to hide anymore. I’ve been hiding for most of my life. I don’t want to do that anymore. Any piece of advice?
     
  2. Sunchimes

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 2, 2022
    Messages:
    223
    Likes Received:
    159
    Location:
    UK
    Gender:
    Other
    Gender Pronoun:
    Other
    Sexual Orientation:
    Other
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    It’s tough isn’t it? My parents were in their mid 60s when I came out. I think it was easier for me because my son is gay and we’ve had a lot of gay friends in the family so I just literally told them. For me, I knew I’d be supported.

    What happened with me though was because I was in a marriage and wasn’t planning on divorcing, after I came out it all went over everyone’s heads and I was totally invisible. Nothing was said about it. I was in breakdown mode though and that’s where my struggles began because I didn’t feel fully understood. It took a few years to get the freedom I needed and for everyone to understand me.

    You’re literally breaking free from your marriage at the start so if I were you I’d tell your parents both things in the same chat. But that depends on how they react to your first piece of information. Also it depends on how you’re feeling when you’re talking to them. Ad lib and see how it goes.

    Good luck with it whatever you choose to do
     
    #2 Sunchimes, May 11, 2022
    Last edited: May 11, 2022
    sunbird likes this.
  3. sunbird

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Mar 2, 2021
    Messages:
    71
    Likes Received:
    62
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Thank you for sharing @Sunchimes , I found it really supportive to read about your experience. Our situations were a bit different, but knowing someone’s tread a similar path makes a big difference… This past year I have felt what you describe - the being not seen or understood - a number of times. It’s a horrid feeling and I don’t want to feel that if I can choose not to. I agree that probably telling both things at the same time might work best. As you say, I’ll go with what I feel is right. Great advice, I feel a bit more prepared now. Thank you!
     
  4. DecentOne

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Nov 2, 2017
    Messages:
    856
    Likes Received:
    482
    Location:
    East Coast US
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Best wishes with this. I told my Mom months after came out as bisexual to myself and my wife (about 4 years ago). But in my case I knew she would take it well - she had always been supportive of diversity, and I knew she loved me unconditionally, and we had a younger relative who was already out and totally accepted.

    I wanted the people who were closest to me to hear it directly from me, not second hand. Mom was #3 on that list (wife, grown children, Mom).

    In my case my bisexual identity was unrelated to my marriage status - my wife and I are still together.
     
  5. PatrickUK

    Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 25, 2014
    Messages:
    6,943
    Likes Received:
    2,359
    Location:
    England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Sometimes the written word is more powerful than the spoken word in these circumstances. I came out to my parents a long time ago and they were considerably younger than your parents and reacted well to the news, but there was still a lot that I didn't get to say to them during that conversation due to the back and forth nature of verbal communication. I gave them the news, but then came the questions. I responded and then came more questions and by the time all of that was over with I was emotionally and physically drained. The opportunity to say what I really wanted to say just didn't arise again. They knew the truth about my sexuality and that was that.

    On reflection, I could have said everything without interruption in a letter or email. I could have taken days or weeks preparing drafts and revising my words until it was as perfect as it could be, but I never even considered the idea.

    Maybe this isn't the way you would like to do it. Maybe you will decide not to do it at all - and that's fine, but if you really decide to come out to them and explain the circumstances of your divorce it could be a way of getting your point across very clearly and without interruption.
     
    quebec and Mirko like this.