How do I support my potentially queer sibling without outing myself

Hello everyone, I hope you are all doing well!

To get to the point, I have a very strong sense that my younger sister, me (F, 18) her (F,16) is queer. Now I know it’s not right to speculate on someone’s sexuality, but I’m bi myself and through her private social medias she has made it quite obvious. She has even made hints to me through conversation, but I didn’t push any further as I didn’t want to pressure her.

one day in the near future, I believe she might come out to me, at least I hope as I have created a very safe and welcoming environment, and being bi myself. The problem is, I’m not out to anyone in my family and the vast majority of people. The only people who know are the select few I have told ( who are also queer) or people from my old high school because I was outed by an ex-best friend :/ The thing is, i never want to come out. I don’t want to ever have to make a big song and dance about it ( not that there is anything wrong with that!) because I’m not that comfortable with myself and the people around me to do that. The only way I would ever come out is if:

a) I happen to bring home a girl one day and address her as my partner ( no other explanation, people would just have to accept it and move on)
B) through word of mouth or pure suspicion ( I had a gf in high school and I suspect I wasn’t hiding that too well??)


The problem is, even though I’m queer myself, due to the fact that I don’t want to come out, I’m not sure how to potentially support my sister if she does. I want to tell her that I’m here for her, I can help and I know a lot of things from experience. I want to be able to talk freely with her about queer topics, about me having a gf and being able to connect with her on a deeper level of understanding. Conversation would be able to flow freely and it would be so comforting, but due to my own problems, I feel like I denying her this type of sibling relationship and support. My best friend and her sister are both queer and are so close because of it, and I want that too. because I don’t want to come out, idk if that can ever happen. ( for the record we already have a good relationship ) If she comes out to me, I just see myself panicking like crazy as if I also come out to her too and tell her she’s safe, or keep pretending I’m straight and just support her like crazy. I know it would feel so wrong and I would feel guilty as hell if I continue to present straight often she had just come out to me. I would and will probably let it slip one day. But even though I would hate to do that to her, and quite frankly myself, right now, I don’t think come out is an option for me. I don’t see myself ever doing it.

who knows, she might not want to come out and that’s 100% okay. But I’m sad I can’t be the queer older sister she looks up too because of my own problems and self deprecation. I know my life would of been a lot easier if I had a queer older sibling / role model to look up to, I would be so more confident and comfortable with myself. And even though I am technically queer, I feel like I can never be that beam of support for her. I feel so guilty.


Extra notes (not important): please don’t shit on me for speculating her sexuality, it’s pretty much confirmed, but she’s not out, I don’t want to justify my reasoning further as it is not my place to do so, I hope you understand Secondly, even though I technically am bi, and had a gf for the majority of high school, I’m still funny about my sexuality, I struggle so much to admit to myself that I am gay, and I feel way more comfortable under the “unlabelled” term, but since I know I’m bi, it feels wrong to refer to myself as such. To be honest there wasn’t too much reason to write this extra paragraph, I just needed to get it off my chest. Thank you

 

ahh I see, thank you so much for the reply’s on both forums And last night I was pretty certain on never coming out, but everyone’s comments and information and your suggestion on this post, I think I would be okay with “you could just say you like both and make it clear that you don't want to make a big deal about it because you're still working through things.” So yeah, thank you so much for the reply’s, it’s helped more than you could imagine

 

Thank you so much for sharing, I really appreciate it! Your situation sounds so difficult and stressful, especially when dealing with coming out at the same time, I hope you are doing much better now!! it’s really uplifting to hear that you think it’s a good decision to make, it gives me more confidence haha. I do hope that me and my sister grow closer in the future because of this! Again, thank you so much!!

 

I see, thank you so much for the reply. I am concerned it will take a toll on me in the future, so I understand I will have to one day. I think coming out to a few other LGBTQ+ friends in the past will definitely help for when I decide to do it in the future. I’m glad to hear that it was the best thing you’ve done for yourself, it gives me hope ) thank you again!

 

Thank you for the reply! Hmm, this whole situation is so difficult, for when I do decide to one day, it would suck to talk to everyone individually about it, but I also don’t see myself doing a big post on Facebook for example about it. I’m sure my choice will become more clear one day! Thank you again!